that picturesque scene... again

Had been busy wallowing in self pity and regret about losing my phone in the wee hours today that I didn't realise when I finally fell asleep. It was a nice change... having been immersed in frustration in reality, it was somewhat calming to be slowly drifted into nostalgic surrealism.

In my dream, I saw a wooden bench... It was empty. As my view widened slowly, I could see that the bench was perched on a grass slope set against the background of the beautiful night sky... Deep blues and purples swirling with darkened greys, lent the night sky such visual depth that made the scene utterly breathtaking. It was absolutely picturesque...

The motion of my vision soon shifted and I found myself moving parallelwards to the bench, further away from the place. I watched as the bench became smaller and smaller. Then I heard a voice behind me. I turned to my right and my vision turned pitch black.

I woke up.

..............................................................................................................

I recognise that place...
It was at a reservoir where I used to frequent during my childhood.
I actually had the same dream... that very same scene before and I've been meaning to revisit the place ever since.
But I haven't... till today.

And I was just recalling how and when I first had the dream months ago when I realised what today's date is.

missing a piece of myself

a page from my history
a part of my life’s journey
like taken away from me
so suddenly, unexpectedly

now here i am...
mourning for what’s been gone
cursing what should've been done
nursing whatever that's left
and missing…

missing a piece of myself

..............................................................................................

Lost my handphone last night... barely a month after I received it.
All these years of owning one, I've never lost any. But I guess there's always a first time.
I don't know which is worse... the fact that it was a birthday gift from my beloved colleagues or that it contained precious numbers of old friends whom sadly I've no other points of contact.
Guess that's how things go the minute you begin to think that the year is ending quite well.

As much as I'd like to let go, I can't stop thinking about it.
It's really hard when sentimental values are involved and especially when to me, my phone entries tell a story - a story of my life; a page from history that reflects the people I've met and known along in a part of my life journey; a reminder of the experiences I had shared with them.

But it's gone now.
I've lost a huge part of myself.
Sigh... how my heart aches.

never rush into a relationship

when i first set eyes on Faber
i was reminded of my desire
i pictured him, his cool exterior
hand in hand with me as partners

but just before i inked my signature
i caught the firm presence of Parker
and in a whirlwind, i decided on no other
in Parker, i believed i had found my answer

i realised however, a few notes later
when sharing stories, to Pilot i'd rather
that i couldn't truly be myself with Parker
i knew then, we weren't meant for each other

...............................................................................................

For Lamy, now my heart grows fonder
Is he really the right one? I wonder
But this time I definitely know better
Than to rush into a relationship with another

obviously ununanimous

amongst nods of appreciation, blinks of repentance
and awkward attempts of reconciliation
blank stares of no retreat continued in existence

.................................................................
(entry after HS1's wedding)

It was weird.
Obviously ununanimous.

It made me wonder.
Did HS1 even appreciate our presence?

So much for hopes. Only time will tell.

i am but a kite...

gripped in a clench
strained tension cuts
your skin bleeds
but tears me apart

i am but a kite...
hold me
but let me go

......................................................................................

When has love ever been equated to fear?
Fear of hurt.
Fear of being forsaken.
Fear of not being loved in return.

Why don't we try to hold on to faith, let go of fear and watch love soar?

sunny song by granny

meow, meow
meow, meow, punaykutti
veetai suthum punaykutty
attan manesu velekatti
(a missing line here)
meow, meow

........................................................................................................
(DA: sunny song by granny)

what it means (had a lil help with the translation):

meow, meow
meow, meow, little kitten
wandering around the house, little kitten
my darling has a sweet heart,
and then the missing line (think it's about her darling looking good...)
meow, meow

walking in your shoes...

you could have
travelled a wasted journey
only to reach a house that's empty

you could have
faced your brand of cruelty
received greeting words of hostility

but still you came...

and you came alone

..................................................................................
(LMK entry 3: that visit)

Anger aside, I placed myself in her shoes. After all that has happened, she couldn't possibly have imagined what she might face, turning up unannounced. Yet still, she came...alone.

I guess that really spoke volumes of her sincerity.

I can choose to remain doubtful and discontented that the apology wasn't exactly what my heart had demanded for. Or I can choose to give trust another chance and be grateful that our prayers were answered, albeit, partially.

I choose the latter.

And with that, I promise that I shall be present at HS1's wedding this weekend.

subconscious coincidence

I just had a dream.

I dreamt that I woke up feeling weak and exhausted. I walked into my own room and the setting... it was just like in my previous home. And there she stood by the bed, my late granny. She ushered me to sit down on the bed so that she could massage my aching shoulders. And as she kneaded my shoulders, I suddenly thought to myself that I had forgotten to pass her monthly allowance.

Then I woke up to reality.
That my late granny was no longer.
And my shoulders.... they ached.

................................................................................................................................

I wonder if it had anything to do with what's been hovering in my mind.
I recall now... about three months ago, I had dreamt of LMK, HS1 and late granny.
Weird dream... but the scene wasn't tensed at all. It was peaceful yet I found it strange cos frankly, I don't regard LMK and HS1 as part of my life. Not anymore.

But what a coincidence it is, that it was just them two. The rest of them weren't there.

What a coincidence...

I need a reason to believe

though she's expressed her due apology
my heart refuses to believe completely
for since they hated us collectively
sorry shouldn't be from her solely

................................................................
(LMK. entry 2: that day)

Only You know how we had prayed incessantly
for the day enlightenment will dawn upon their family.

Yet today...
I'm dissatisfied.

God, please give me a reason to believe.

blood is thicker than water... they say

if truly blood is thicker than water
then what is this that flows within us?
that we deserved those accusations
our ties of kindred, strained with enmity

if truly blood is thicker than water
then what is this that flows to my heart?
that i'm unmoved by tears and sorries
my faith eludes, skepticism rules me

................................................................
(LMK entry 10 Dec 2006: the unexpected visit)

I am furious.
That I wasn't there to witness it for myself.
Would I and the rest of us be convinced?

All those tales they had spun...
How my parents were shunned...
How late granny was cruelly neglected...
The relation we shared was woefully inferior to ordinary.
Repeated misdeeds. Repeated chances.
How then would I know if this is for real?

God, I know we should always have faith.
But what is this doubt that haunts me?

resignation

a new beginning that hasn't begun
acquittal declared yet sentence lives on
do you require my words in blood
before you listen to my exasperated heart

.....................................................
(nothing more to say)

happy birthday to me...

my dear heart, it hums a bittersweet symphony
how midnight rejoices a grand quarter century
yet sadly laments the end in beautiful Bali
.....................................................................................
(entry on 28 November 2006)

Listen to
My Favourite Song by Rivermaya