E.C: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntReE2n15bo
hardshell: wow… so impressive
E.C: yup... but I hate their way of making something so emotional and yet they say not judging her based on sympathy... I do agree that its really an amazing talent and she is just great... but they kept going on and on about it...
hardshell: media… always like that what… I think it's a phenomenon regardless whether she's blind or not but e fact that she is makes it even more astounding
E.C: yeah... that's true... I believe God takes away some stuff... will give you back more...
hardshell: yea God is fair
E.C: :) but would you want a talent or just be normal?
hardshell: you know... as a matter of fact, I was thinking about something along the same lines recently… wondering... And I don’t know what came to mind but I remember concluding that if being ordinary will make me happier, then so be it
E.C: yeah true... at least I lead a happy life now...
hardshell: haha yea exactly... normal but happy
E.C: :)
…………………………………………………………………………..
With talent comes great admiration
And even greater expectations
And along with it,
Either fulfillment
Or burden…
And as I’m writing this...
I’m beginning to feel that the same applies
In the pursuit of dreams…
Friday, May 30, 2008
kind redefined
kind 1 (knd)
adj. kind·er, kind·est1. Of a friendly, generous, or warm-hearted nature.2. Showing sympathy or understanding; charitable.3. Humane; considerate.4. Forbearing; tolerant.5. Generous; liberal.6. Agreeable; beneficial.
I may have just added a new definition to the list...
7. Long-winded; beating around the bush.
.............................................................................
hardshell: has demonstrated initiative and willingness in execution of office tasks, however still requires much improvement in creative exploration and design problem solving. Needs to improve on execution of concepts and learn to be more open and independent creatively. Also needs to improve software skills and speed. It is important that he learns to understand the true importance of time management and observe meeting urgent deadlines. It has also been noted that he is sociable and friendly, however sometimes, may be lacking in tact, an attribute that hopefully could be attained with corporate maturity.
M.Y: using "true" is it too harsh on him?
hardshell: is it? I thought by being long-winded I was being kind.
hardshell: I could have just not be wordy and said "Slow. Fails to meet deadlines."
M.Y: LOL
M.Y: right
.............................................................................
(T.L.K.L: appraisal)
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
numb
I may be bleeding
but I'm choosing
not to feel a thing
not a single damn thing
...............................................................................
I'd like to think that I've become rather experienced in this.
Rather than be bitter.
Rather than cry and lose sleep.
I shall focus my energy on existing relationships.
but I'm choosing
not to feel a thing
not a single damn thing
...............................................................................
I'd like to think that I've become rather experienced in this.
Rather than be bitter.
Rather than cry and lose sleep.
I shall focus my energy on existing relationships.
Monday, May 19, 2008
springclean :: phase II
After all these years, I really should have known myself better than to allocate just two hours for Phase II. Even if it means organising only 1 drawer, 1 cabinet, 1 sliding cabinet and 1 open shelf.
But the main culprit that set me back by a few hours certainly had to be letters... Yea, letters – good old-fashioned, handwritten letters.
I’ve always loved writing and receiving them, especially long ones which I’d read over and over again. I’d even keep the envelope, especially when they’re adorned with interesting overseas postage stamps. But sadly now, with the existence of emails, sms, mms, instant messaging, video calls and what-have-yous, people just don’t practise that anymore.
So yes, I don’t see myself throwing these letters and cards away for the simple reason that I know I won’t be receiving such things anymore.
As always, every spring clean project has always been a nostalgic trip, and this was no different. Reading a couple of old letters, I couldn’t help but recall my feelings and thoughts when I first received them.
Some things don’t change though… I still cringed as I reread letters from a particular secret admirer in college. He obviously didn’t know - I wasn’t a typical girly girl. I'd never forget those goosebumps I had while reading the immature, flowery, mushy words written on a scented, floral letterhead (there was a shiny, sparkly sticker on it too). Eventually, I managed to figure out who he was, based on clues I received before he even revealed himself to me (cos he had the guts to tell the whole world except me - the nerve!). It finally was awkward and uncomfortable declining him face-to-face, in the presence of his friend but I had no choice – both had me cornered right after a school event! (You'd think that it's common sense that being trapped between a wall, potted plants and friends is NOT a romantic setting!!!) Sigh... Well, I’m sure he’s a nice guy (he looked decent) but I guess he simply started off on the wrong foot. It didn't help that I was unforgiving, so yea, nothing happened and hmm… don't think I ever saw him again after I left the school...
I must say that the box card I got from N.K. was quite tasteful and well-written. Honest, straightforward and sincere, even my sis back then agreed that it’s in fact rather romantic and touching. Even now, I think so too… but looking back, I hadn’t felt that way cos I simply couldn’t see ourselves going beyond platonic. He probably thought that I refused to acknowledge our ‘telepathic and intellectual connection’ as he called it, just because I valued looks, not realising that the latter is truly secondary to me. It was actually the very fact that we were close that made me well aware of certain things which I wouldn’t have been able to accept, amongst which were his religious views. Needless to say, I felt that the relationship wouldn’t have worked.
Then I found too, amongst Y’s old letters, cards and gifts… lyrics, noteworthy quotes and a disintegrated ‘treasure chest’ which unfortunately had reacted with the bath salts it contained. It was beyond salvation; I couldn’t even get the key to work and had to resort to using a screwdriver to force it open. And there in the chest was a note and a seashell.
A pity that I could only save the shell…
Of course, if I had my way, I would save and keep a million other things and liberate myself from any spring cleaning projects.
But this I know…
You can’t always have things in your possession, but they’ll always be with you for as long as they’re in your memory.
:O)
...................................................................................
(19 May 08 - Phase II :: study table)
Listen to:
Over the Hills and Far Away by Led Zeppelin
But the main culprit that set me back by a few hours certainly had to be letters... Yea, letters – good old-fashioned, handwritten letters.
I’ve always loved writing and receiving them, especially long ones which I’d read over and over again. I’d even keep the envelope, especially when they’re adorned with interesting overseas postage stamps. But sadly now, with the existence of emails, sms, mms, instant messaging, video calls and what-have-yous, people just don’t practise that anymore.
So yes, I don’t see myself throwing these letters and cards away for the simple reason that I know I won’t be receiving such things anymore.
As always, every spring clean project has always been a nostalgic trip, and this was no different. Reading a couple of old letters, I couldn’t help but recall my feelings and thoughts when I first received them.
Some things don’t change though… I still cringed as I reread letters from a particular secret admirer in college. He obviously didn’t know - I wasn’t a typical girly girl. I'd never forget those goosebumps I had while reading the immature, flowery, mushy words written on a scented, floral letterhead (there was a shiny, sparkly sticker on it too). Eventually, I managed to figure out who he was, based on clues I received before he even revealed himself to me (cos he had the guts to tell the whole world except me - the nerve!). It finally was awkward and uncomfortable declining him face-to-face, in the presence of his friend but I had no choice – both had me cornered right after a school event! (You'd think that it's common sense that being trapped between a wall, potted plants and friends is NOT a romantic setting!!!) Sigh... Well, I’m sure he’s a nice guy (he looked decent) but I guess he simply started off on the wrong foot. It didn't help that I was unforgiving, so yea, nothing happened and hmm… don't think I ever saw him again after I left the school...
I must say that the box card I got from N.K. was quite tasteful and well-written. Honest, straightforward and sincere, even my sis back then agreed that it’s in fact rather romantic and touching. Even now, I think so too… but looking back, I hadn’t felt that way cos I simply couldn’t see ourselves going beyond platonic. He probably thought that I refused to acknowledge our ‘telepathic and intellectual connection’ as he called it, just because I valued looks, not realising that the latter is truly secondary to me. It was actually the very fact that we were close that made me well aware of certain things which I wouldn’t have been able to accept, amongst which were his religious views. Needless to say, I felt that the relationship wouldn’t have worked.
Then I found too, amongst Y’s old letters, cards and gifts… lyrics, noteworthy quotes and a disintegrated ‘treasure chest’ which unfortunately had reacted with the bath salts it contained. It was beyond salvation; I couldn’t even get the key to work and had to resort to using a screwdriver to force it open. And there in the chest was a note and a seashell.
A pity that I could only save the shell…
Of course, if I had my way, I would save and keep a million other things and liberate myself from any spring cleaning projects.
But this I know…
You can’t always have things in your possession, but they’ll always be with you for as long as they’re in your memory.
:O)
...................................................................................
(19 May 08 - Phase II :: study table)
Listen to:
Over the Hills and Far Away by Led Zeppelin
relationships
Should you face difficulties in any relationship with any man, you should first review and analyse your relationship with God.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
give
when there isn't anything else to give
when the heart is giving way
it's silently pleading to give up
to give in to the demise of hope
......................................................................................
Loss of a friendship...
One of the most painful things in life.
And worse, the end of one due to an intricate web of misunderstandings.
This was never the way I wanted things to end...
But then again, we never know what lies ahead of us...
And we can never control how it is others feel and believe...
Never.
when the heart is giving way
it's silently pleading to give up
to give in to the demise of hope
......................................................................................
Loss of a friendship...
One of the most painful things in life.
And worse, the end of one due to an intricate web of misunderstandings.
This was never the way I wanted things to end...
But then again, we never know what lies ahead of us...
And we can never control how it is others feel and believe...
Never.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
my patience
once...
dreading within
twice...
shedding its skin
thrice...
blistering thin
......................................................................
(tested again and again and again)
Same bloody topic in
the same bloody day
in the same bloody hour.
Coincidence?
More like a test of tolerance.
Probably it's really time to heave out of reluctance...
Either address or give in to the annoying persistence.
dreading within
twice...
shedding its skin
thrice...
blistering thin
......................................................................
(tested again and again and again)
Same bloody topic in
the same bloody day
in the same bloody hour.
Coincidence?
More like a test of tolerance.
Probably it's really time to heave out of reluctance...
Either address or give in to the annoying persistence.
life's little lemons
R.V: (nick - if life gives you lemons, you bloody throw it back)
hardshell: depends how you look at it... I think I'd rather squeeze the hell outta them and get me some refreshing lemonade :OP
hardshell: cos life is never easy... you work hard, you get rewarded for it
hardshell: maybe not now... but some day
R.V: yea...
R.V: so don't settle for anything that comes your way now...
R.V: wait it out
hardshell: depends how you look at it... I think I'd rather squeeze the hell outta them and get me some refreshing lemonade :OP
hardshell: cos life is never easy... you work hard, you get rewarded for it
hardshell: maybe not now... but some day
R.V: yea...
R.V: so don't settle for anything that comes your way now...
R.V: wait it out
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
master of words
If Mum were in advertising, I swear she'd be one hell of a copywriter.
Possessing a knack to infuse subjects that are worlds apart right in the same paragraph, you can't actually fault her for straying out of context, even if you felt that she was.
Cos upon closer analysis, the subjects actually do link. Somehow.
Such is her art.
..................................................................................
(wth!!!)
Possessing a knack to infuse subjects that are worlds apart right in the same paragraph, you can't actually fault her for straying out of context, even if you felt that she was.
Cos upon closer analysis, the subjects actually do link. Somehow.
Such is her art.
..................................................................................
(wth!!!)
springclean sunday :: phase I
I've never been in denial when it comes to my room.
I know mess when I see it. But I hate it when anyone else tries to 'tidy' things up for me. My most recent horror would probably be when my mum bought me a clothes rack.
"So you can hang your clothes neatly here", so she said. Right... Tall and bulky, it was the first thing that greeted me when I opened the door. I swear, if it had feelings, it would have wished it could disappear right there and then under my horrified stare.
Anyway, I felt that it was time to inject order in my life by giving my room a much-needed spring clean - my way.
It was no ordinary spring clean, I tell you. Categorising the different sections of my room into phases, I decided to embark on the meanest spring clean ever. I've always been too sentimental when it comes to discarding things. So I really should try to be mean.... mean by my lenient standards of course, heh.
But I must admit that I've always loved the trip down memory lane each time I clean my room. Re-discovered and got rid of stuff, namely my old backpack, known as the Burger King bag cos of all the BK badges I collected and pinned on it; a 'sex bomb' keychain from a secret admirer I had who worked in a sister company; Chickadees, my favourite tidbit back when I was in kindergarten (bought this last month but I had quite forgotten about it).
The sheer number of soft toys I own certainly had me speechless - 3 big boxes full of them! All gifts... which makes me wonder why the hell do I give the impression that I'm into soft toys? Of course, of those, there were some which I really treasure, but for anyone reading this, please do not consider giving me a soft toy again, unless you're also seriously considering buying me a house to store them :OP
Anyway, that's the end of Phase I... I'm still far from done but I can't wait to continue again.
......................................................................................................
(11 May 08 - Phase I :: on the floor, under my bed, drawer set A, wardrobe part A)
I know mess when I see it. But I hate it when anyone else tries to 'tidy' things up for me. My most recent horror would probably be when my mum bought me a clothes rack.
"So you can hang your clothes neatly here", so she said. Right... Tall and bulky, it was the first thing that greeted me when I opened the door. I swear, if it had feelings, it would have wished it could disappear right there and then under my horrified stare.
Anyway, I felt that it was time to inject order in my life by giving my room a much-needed spring clean - my way.
It was no ordinary spring clean, I tell you. Categorising the different sections of my room into phases, I decided to embark on the meanest spring clean ever. I've always been too sentimental when it comes to discarding things. So I really should try to be mean.... mean by my lenient standards of course, heh.
But I must admit that I've always loved the trip down memory lane each time I clean my room. Re-discovered and got rid of stuff, namely my old backpack, known as the Burger King bag cos of all the BK badges I collected and pinned on it; a 'sex bomb' keychain from a secret admirer I had who worked in a sister company; Chickadees, my favourite tidbit back when I was in kindergarten (bought this last month but I had quite forgotten about it).
The sheer number of soft toys I own certainly had me speechless - 3 big boxes full of them! All gifts... which makes me wonder why the hell do I give the impression that I'm into soft toys? Of course, of those, there were some which I really treasure, but for anyone reading this, please do not consider giving me a soft toy again, unless you're also seriously considering buying me a house to store them :OP
Anyway, that's the end of Phase I... I'm still far from done but I can't wait to continue again.
......................................................................................................
(11 May 08 - Phase I :: on the floor, under my bed, drawer set A, wardrobe part A)
one by one
please let me kneel
to find and collect strewn pieces
of myself
one piece at a time
please let me feel
again the sure way I once was
of myself
one step at a time
please…
……………………………………………….…………………….
I can choose to count the endless ways
Of troubles I may face
Or
I can choose to brace myself and pray
So I’ll stand here come what may
to find and collect strewn pieces
of myself
one piece at a time
please let me feel
again the sure way I once was
of myself
one step at a time
please…
……………………………………………….…………………….
I can choose to count the endless ways
Of troubles I may face
Or
I can choose to brace myself and pray
So I’ll stand here come what may
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
second dream in a row…
C.F was driving me home. And just as we were slowing to park, we saw people, in particular, a family of four alighting their car. Suddenly, a police patrol car swerved into sight and pulled over.
Immediately, policemen stepped out of the car and ordered the family not to move. By this time, the family had walked to the void deck, slightly more than a metre away from their car. The two young boys stopped in their tracks, frozen with their father by their side. Their mother, who was already two steps ahead of them took one more step forward before she stopped.
“Mrs R… pls…” One of the policemen shouted to her as the rest proceeded to handcuff the rest of the family. I can’t remember what was it he said – was it to arrest her? or have her in for questioning? I really can't recall...
The lady, wearing a headscarf and a long blue dress, turned around. Everyone was facing her, including myself – I can’t remember when I walked over. But I was standing there, observing her.
First, she looked at the policemen. Then she looked at her family, one by one, with her eyes finally landing on me. It wasn't a stare. But I couldn’t tell if it was a gaze either. Yet there was no mistaking it – she really was looking at me for a very long time such that I couldn’t help but feel a surge of mixed emotions.
Everyone else was silent.
Instinctively, I walked over, never breaking eye contact till I went round her back and hugged her the way I usually hug my mum.
It was strange... cos suddenly at that moment, I was filled with a realisation that she was C.F’s mother. And strangely again, from the back, her clothes were no longer blue – it was light purple, with dark purple flowers, much like something my mum owns and had worn recently, on the day we set off for KL.
Then the dream ended.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
The name I heard… it wasn’t even C.F’s mother’s name to begin with.
But I somehow ended up realising it was her.
Yet somehow the dream ended with thoughts and feelings of my mum...
I don't know if it's supposed to mean anything - I thought it was weird but C.F. felt it was scary.
And suddenly, with the fan blowing behind me now...
My hair is standing.
Immediately, policemen stepped out of the car and ordered the family not to move. By this time, the family had walked to the void deck, slightly more than a metre away from their car. The two young boys stopped in their tracks, frozen with their father by their side. Their mother, who was already two steps ahead of them took one more step forward before she stopped.
“Mrs R… pls…” One of the policemen shouted to her as the rest proceeded to handcuff the rest of the family. I can’t remember what was it he said – was it to arrest her? or have her in for questioning? I really can't recall...
The lady, wearing a headscarf and a long blue dress, turned around. Everyone was facing her, including myself – I can’t remember when I walked over. But I was standing there, observing her.
First, she looked at the policemen. Then she looked at her family, one by one, with her eyes finally landing on me. It wasn't a stare. But I couldn’t tell if it was a gaze either. Yet there was no mistaking it – she really was looking at me for a very long time such that I couldn’t help but feel a surge of mixed emotions.
Everyone else was silent.
Instinctively, I walked over, never breaking eye contact till I went round her back and hugged her the way I usually hug my mum.
It was strange... cos suddenly at that moment, I was filled with a realisation that she was C.F’s mother. And strangely again, from the back, her clothes were no longer blue – it was light purple, with dark purple flowers, much like something my mum owns and had worn recently, on the day we set off for KL.
Then the dream ended.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
The name I heard… it wasn’t even C.F’s mother’s name to begin with.
But I somehow ended up realising it was her.
Yet somehow the dream ended with thoughts and feelings of my mum...
I don't know if it's supposed to mean anything - I thought it was weird but C.F. felt it was scary.
And suddenly, with the fan blowing behind me now...
My hair is standing.
relationships for dummies
Learn how to be:
1. more loving
2. more caring
3. more sensitive
4. more concerned
5. more, more, more of everything else that’s nice
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
It appears that I’m still not up to mark…
And I have a feeling he’s tired of waiting for my heart…
*shrugs
Maybe what I need is a crash course before I feel tired myself.
1. more loving
2. more caring
3. more sensitive
4. more concerned
5. more, more, more of everything else that’s nice
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
It appears that I’m still not up to mark…
And I have a feeling he’s tired of waiting for my heart…
*shrugs
Maybe what I need is a crash course before I feel tired myself.
of slumber and imagination... of dreams and interpretations…
It was a nightmare.
I dreamt that I was pregnant out of wedlock. Impossible, but it felt so real…
the distraught of ‘reality’ of the pregnancy kicking in…
the denial – with attempts of distracting myself with everything else…
the feeling of being torn – how in the world would I tell my parents…
the loneliness – to not have anyone else to know and share the burden with.
Yet oddly in the dream, I still had a conscience…
A sense of responsibility…
That told me not to abort the child…
And just as I was counting down the number of months I had before the baby was due, I woke up.
……………………………………………………………………………
The nightmare felt so real that when I woke up, I actually doubted myself. I tried hard to recall my visit to the hospital and the basics of biology.
“Did the doctor ever diagnose such a thing to me?”
“Is it possible to not do it and get pregnant?”
So real that I even touched my tummy just to be doubly sure…
And then suddenly my mind whirled a mental checklist of science and senses, pulling me back into perspective.
Now I can’t remember the details to the scenes but one thing was certain…
I have never felt so alone.
……………………………………………………………………………
hardshell: so do u have anything to offer me? An interpretation?
A.T: In terms of your dreams? Hmm… seems like you're worried about something that might pop out at you unexpectedly. Not sure if its anything to do with relationships, might be work, might be life in general. No?
hardshell: lol... u relate babies to popping out action is it? I can just hear you, you know... "your baby pops out"
A.T: lol… something unexpected cos HOW THE HELL can you be pregnant without doing anything?! so, you're really worried about something… maybe work?
hardshell: i dunno man. my mind's a mess
A.T:try to stay collected… take time to think through
I dreamt that I was pregnant out of wedlock. Impossible, but it felt so real…
the distraught of ‘reality’ of the pregnancy kicking in…
the denial – with attempts of distracting myself with everything else…
the feeling of being torn – how in the world would I tell my parents…
the loneliness – to not have anyone else to know and share the burden with.
Yet oddly in the dream, I still had a conscience…
A sense of responsibility…
That told me not to abort the child…
And just as I was counting down the number of months I had before the baby was due, I woke up.
……………………………………………………………………………
The nightmare felt so real that when I woke up, I actually doubted myself. I tried hard to recall my visit to the hospital and the basics of biology.
“Did the doctor ever diagnose such a thing to me?”
“Is it possible to not do it and get pregnant?”
So real that I even touched my tummy just to be doubly sure…
And then suddenly my mind whirled a mental checklist of science and senses, pulling me back into perspective.
Now I can’t remember the details to the scenes but one thing was certain…
I have never felt so alone.
……………………………………………………………………………
hardshell: so do u have anything to offer me? An interpretation?
A.T: In terms of your dreams? Hmm… seems like you're worried about something that might pop out at you unexpectedly. Not sure if its anything to do with relationships, might be work, might be life in general. No?
hardshell: lol... u relate babies to popping out action is it? I can just hear you, you know... "your baby pops out"
A.T: lol… something unexpected cos HOW THE HELL can you be pregnant without doing anything?! so, you're really worried about something… maybe work?
hardshell: i dunno man. my mind's a mess
A.T:try to stay collected… take time to think through
Saturday, May 03, 2008
ingredients for a good interval
sprinkles of lame jokes
a dash of imagination
sporadic spurts of disses
props for 'quality creations'
..........................................................................................
(spontaneous meet up)
Had quite forgotten how fun it could be to hang with the guys.
Once in a while, of course.
I wouldn't wanna overdose. Lol!
a dash of imagination
sporadic spurts of disses
props for 'quality creations'
..........................................................................................
(spontaneous meet up)
Had quite forgotten how fun it could be to hang with the guys.
Once in a while, of course.
I wouldn't wanna overdose. Lol!
labour day
01 May 2008.
Finally... Labour Day now holds meaning for me.
Congrats to T.T. and L.S. on the birth of their first child.
:O)
.............................................................................................
To A.T. and M.Y...
For the record, I didn't cry :OP
Finally... Labour Day now holds meaning for me.
Congrats to T.T. and L.S. on the birth of their first child.
:O)
.............................................................................................
To A.T. and M.Y...
For the record, I didn't cry :OP
couldn't help my meanie self
the meanie in me came alive
sarcasm unleashed from the unthinking
unexpectedly...
even before I could stop myself...
not that I would anyway
..........................................................................................
(the day we bumped into R.F)
You'd never be given any credit due to you
Even if you may be nice
Or try to be
If you don't respect
The person who most deserves it from you
sarcasm unleashed from the unthinking
unexpectedly...
even before I could stop myself...
not that I would anyway
..........................................................................................
(the day we bumped into R.F)
You'd never be given any credit due to you
Even if you may be nice
Or try to be
If you don't respect
The person who most deserves it from you
my dad's a classic
Was sitting up on my bed... I had just woken up but in my blur, I noticed something different on the floor near my bedroom door. I wondered for a moment if I had dropped my dirty laundry there.
"Can't be" I thought to myself and inched closer to it to get a clearer view.
It was a note from Dad. I could recognise his uppercase handwriting on the envelope immediately. It said:
Pls, I want to see EURO 2008
7 - 30 June 2008
$10.70
Thank you.
That wasn't all... accompanying the note was a newspaper clipping of the advertisement. Lol! It was so cute, I couldn't resist taking a photo of it.
Like A.T. said, my dad's a classic.
:O)
Listen to
Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung
"Can't be" I thought to myself and inched closer to it to get a clearer view.
It was a note from Dad. I could recognise his uppercase handwriting on the envelope immediately. It said:
Pls, I want to see EURO 2008
7 - 30 June 2008
$10.70
Thank you.
That wasn't all... accompanying the note was a newspaper clipping of the advertisement. Lol! It was so cute, I couldn't resist taking a photo of it.
Like A.T. said, my dad's a classic.
:O)
Listen to
Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung
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