never thought of it that way...

Had a long talk with a friend...
Though we were actually trying our best to make sense of my predicament... it turned out to be a session in trying to understand more about myself...

Question, reflection. Question, reflection...
I'd always be pondering and thinking real hard, to the point of straining myself, only to eventually mutter, "I don't know". Those three words have been residing at the tip of my tongue these days. I don't know... somehow... it's not that I don't really know, but I guess I don't exactly know where to begin. My thoughts are always tangled, tied up in knots...

Even as I'm typing now, I don't really know where or how to begin. We spoke about a lot of things... One of which was that she thought that I think like a man in some ways... (though I doubt it) Okay... she had always been jokingly instigating me to join her club despite all my protests and proclamation that I'm really straight (roll eyes). Fine... so sometimes I don't think or act the way a typical girl should. But I never thought that was a problem.

I realised that I had been growing up with a particular mindset - that I dislike owing anyone anything and that I'd rather depend on myself. I don't know who planted it in me... my mum, probably... But I think I remember a scene once when I was young, my sister had planned to watch a play with her friend and she had bought a set of new clothes to wear. But I just couldn't understand it why she had asked for a reimbursement from my mum... "What did it have to do with my mum?" I had thought. I stood there at the door, seeing her off in her new clothes, vowing silently to myself that if it's nothing related to school... if something's simply a personal satisfaction, I shall account for it myself.

I grew up proud, attaining things I wanted with my own efforts. While keeping myself self-sufficient, I strive to ensure that I could help people around me feel complete emotionally. I don't know how to explain... the feeling... a certain sense of responsibility...

But everyone is human. And there can never be complete independence. When there finally came a time when I caved in... when I finally needed something... and yet I couldn't find it... it just... it just crushed me...

I told my friend that I have a problem. That I am selfish, all the while wanting to satisfy my personal emotional needs. The constant need for space... the need for control... and I have a problem in giving.

But her reply to that completely surprised me...

She said, "It's not that you're not giving. It's that you're not taking".

I've certainly never thought of it that way...

if you had to choose...

would you be with someone because...
you love him or simply because...
you love the way he loves you?

...................................................................................................
(S.H: tough question)

end of time

ominous clouds up high
the sky threatened to cry
darkness loomed even closer
warning me the end is near

and my eyes…

they overtook the sky

……………………………………….…………………….
(impending end of grace)

I stand alone
In the eye of the storm
completely surrounded
by the whirling tornado
of thoughts and time



Listen to
Always With Me, Always With You by Joe Satriani

I’ve got a disease

contemplation
hesitation
the symptoms so damn clear
so hard to trust another

frustration
desperation
psyched myself, though I fear
letting go, handing over

dissatisfaction
exasperation
yet trust, how will I ever?
always end up doing things over...

I need a cure

……………………………………………………..…………………………..……………..
(bloody sunday)

The last thing I need
Is having to worry about things I have to hand over
And yet… It’s always the first thing I do
And always the next thing that reappears...
on my list of to-dos

won't you dedicate me a song

if I could never run away
to some place far away
then let me be swept away
by a song, the very moment it plays

…………………………………………………….

Put a spell on me…
Transport me…
to a place where I can be free
With not a single care...
Not a single care in the air

square one

roller coaster, loops and winds
speedily turns me upside-down
yet brings me back to the very time
where it all began, right from the ground

…………………………………………………….…………..……………………….………………
(few days more...
what secured me to my seat before had simply been false gravity)

Maybe I’m just too numb, too blind
To feel my gut or see His signs
But still in time, when grace ends soon
Should heart and brain not be in tune
I may give up on this long battle
Toss a coin and take a gamble

hanging by a thread

what is it with human beings
that we never know what we're missing
until only on the verge of losing

.............................................................................

A friend said to me... when someone realises that he's this close (fingered a centermetre) to losing someone, given another chance, he'll hold on to the person with all of his dear life.

But of course...

That's only in theory.

highly-sensitive, esp-charged

I'm not sure how to explain the series of uncanny coincidences that had been hitting me these past few days... It's as though it had been a highly-sensitive, esp-charged period.

If I remember correctly, it all seemed to begin with the dream of the request I had two weeks ago. Last week, a dream I had... another hard-to-recall one, had also come true. There wasn't much relation to myself so it was weird that I should have a dream with issues that didn't concern me. It was even weirder when I found out that the certain bits of details which I didn't reveal upon sharing turned out to be real.

And for a few days in a row after that, my intuition just kept hitting the bull's eye. In fact, even an inner whisper turned out to be true on the very day I had it.

Premonitions... It's so weird... freaky, a friend said. Though cheekily, she immediately asked if she could submit a request for a wish. Heh! It was truly unexplainable... the high frequency of it.

Yet it was also uncanny the fact that the only wish that wasn't realised was the one I had been wishing for all this while...

Maybe God just wanted me to realise that I need to work a lot harder on that.

the mental race

the good, the wrong engaged in tight race
I urge my mind to quicken its pace
even one moment when the good’s first in place
so close behind, the wrong threatens to displace

…………………………………………………….…………..
(a blessing or a curse?)

This natural ability that I have been blessed
May be a strength that leaves many impressed
But this double-edged sword, I have to confess
Haunts me sometimes with vivid memories of distress

How could I remember the good times
Yet leave all the rest behind?



Listen to:
Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park

resurrection

a little discovery
had awakened in me
an old scene mentally
an incomplete memory

like thawing stubborn frost
recalling details I had lost
determinedly hung on strong
pushing memories of the wrong

…………………………………………………….…………..
(scribbly discovery)

I wish

I wish...
that today would be sunny
that I had plans tonight with some good company
that I could sleep soundly and if I couldn't
that there was a 24-hour ice-cream parlour near me

I wish...
that I could find my answer tonight...
within me...

sleep is a luxury

the nights so lonely
my eyes, they fail me
denying my luxury
threatening my sanity

………………………………………………..

my thoughts…
break the quiet
and my mind…
is a riot



Listen to:
Shut Your Eyes by Snow Patrol

no more love songs

the words left behind
wish they'd just leave my mind
and not come stringing along

cos like candies and flowers
praising sweet love’s wonder
made me feel like I don’t belong

and like glass thrown and broken
crying bitter lost affection
made me wish that I don’t belong

but the words left behind
just refused to leave my mind
and they continued...

to linger all night long



Listen to:
Wake by Linkin Park

the question

A friend said I placed too much emphasis on my dreams... I know that dreams may be satan's play but sometimes they do bear greater meaning... and sometimes they do come true...

It's also different when it runs in the family... somehow...

I don't necessarily believe in them... but I believe in talking about them or writing them down so that they won't be forgotten...

While we're on the subject of dreams, I recall a conversation I had with a friend of a friend. We were discussing about dreams of death - how they need not necessarily mean death literally but sometimes they simply mean a big change... A new beginning.

I then shared with her on someone I knew who dreams of death occurring to people she knows and then it would really happen... not the exact way of death itself, but death. So far they had all been accurate... well... to all except for one person she dreamt of... which was me.

Yea, it was creepy when I found that out... but I'm still here and I know I won't die until God decides on it. Although I have to admit that it was funny because after sharing the story, my friend asked, "You know, I realise all these years of knowing you, I've never really known you..."

And that made me wonder...

If we had only one day left with each other, you and I...

What would you say or do?

escaped... only to return to reality

I had another fleeting dream last night...

This time it is even much harder to recall...
I can only vaguely remember receiving a message in my phone...

A request.

I really can't remember...
but I remember pondering on what and how to reply...

............................................................................................................

The whole morning all I could do was wonder what's becoming of my dreams... that I'm no longer able to grasp them... remember them...

But strangely, as I am typing this, it finally dawns on me that this dream of mine had really come true!

I did receive a message this afternoon...
it was a request...
pertaining to a certain matter...

and it's true...
I didn't know how to answer...

and I never did...

why women cry

"Why are you crying?" a young boy asked his Mom.

"Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said.

His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will, but that's O.K."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does Mom seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his Dad could say...

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God and when God got back to him, he asked, " God, why do women cry so easily?"

God answered...

"When I made woman, I decided she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,
yet made her arms gentle enough to give comfort...

I gave her the inner strength to endure childbirth
and the rejection that many times will come
even from her own children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going and take care of her family and friends,
Even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue
without complaining...

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances
Even when her child has hurt her badly...

She has the very special power to make a child's boo-boo feel better
and to quell a teenager's anxieties and fears...

I gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faults
and I fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart...

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife,
but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly...

For all of this hard work, I also gave her a tear to shed.
It is hers to use whenever needed and
it is her only weakness...

When you see her cry, tell her how much you love her and all she does for everyone,
and even though she may still cry...

you will have made her heart feel good.

i need no distraction

it's never my plan of action
never been my satisfaction
to see you in your reaction
of senseless self-destruction

............................................................................

Please...
Please be strong...
for yourself and others...

Cos if I do stay...
I wanna stay...
for the right reasons...

cuts like a knife

just as I discovered new appreciation
for all the little things in life
it escapes my comprehension
how words could still cut like a knife

.................................................................................

I have been feeling a lot calmer since Monday...
And I thought it meant that I was stronger...
That my mind was clearer...

But I was wrong...
I was disillusioned...

And it tears me to realise that
I'm simply...

I'm just weak...


*God please stop these tears...*

beyond the grasp of my memory

I had a strange dream last night.

The problem is, unlike my other dreams, it was fleeting... I'm having trouble recalling it... the order, any transition... it was, like I said - strange.

I dreamt someone appeared before me and started confiding in me. The conversation was inaudible, the atmosphere was unclear... I couldn't make out where we were... possibly in a room.

All I can remember was waking up and looking at the time.

It was 5.34am.

...................................................................................................

It's frustrating...
It felt like trying to hold on to the wind, only to have it escape from your grasp.

Perhaps the dream was trying to mock me...
Cos I'm the one who's troubled, who's in need of a confidante...

Perhaps it was trying to make me feel better...
Assuring me that in my weakness I could still find strength...

music and lyrics

You know how you tend to enjoy certain songs...
You listen to the melody, you appreciate the soothing voice of the singer, you sway to the tune but you've never actually paid true attention to the lyrics before and then finally one day, it just speaks to you....

Well, it just happened to me this morning.