the lil things in life

Despite sleeping late last night to complete my book and waking up real early today, I feel amazingly refreshed.

I was glued on to my computer this early morning, thinking about my friend when she sent me a message. How cool was that? It's really nice to know that someone's thinking about you the same time you are of them...

I can't describe how I'm feeling... I felt a little playful in the morning and thought it'd be good to dress up... I decided to wear my new necklace, new pants and carry my new bag... okay, maybe I'm shallow... but I feel good and I wanted to show it. Period.

My friend and I indulged in a lil conversation on my way to the office. It's been ages since we last confided in each other with such profound depth... It was rejuvenating...

I found myself walking to the office with a skip in my step. It's been so long...

It's amazing to be able to forget your worries and pay attention to the little things in life...

Today will be a good day...

:O)

for one more day

"Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever?"

If so, then you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.

...................................................................................................

When my paternal granny died, I couldn't forgive myself...
For a lot of things...
I was her favourite grandchild... though I had no idea why...
And she was my favourite granny...
Until a spate of family misunderstandings happened.

I don't know why, but as a child I never should have bothered in grown-up stuff...
I mean she loved me for whom I was, I should never had allowed other things to affect the way I felt about her...
But I did.

I still remember the day she died.
Only God knows... I had honestly wanted to visit her in the hospital before going to work. All along I had been visiting her with my family, and I had asked for her forgiveness... But it was different, I felt. I really wanted to sit there by her side, look into her eyes and tell her how much I actually loved her and that i was sorry for all the wrongs I ever did. Even though she could barely talk, even though I had no idea if she could understand me, that was what I had vowed to do... that morning.

And then I learnt that my brother wanted to make her way down too, so I decided to wait for him so we could make our way down together. We were preparing to leave... then my dad reached home from the hospital... We had never once left my granny alone - and that time, it was my dad's shift to wait by her side, and I had no idea why he came home.

And then there it was...
That dreaded call...

I could remember the painful, anxious journey to the hospital.
How I was cursing myself...
Why didn't I stick to my original plan?
I could have been by her side...
Her favourite grandchild...
Why did my dad leave her to come home?
Her favourite son...

When we got there it was too late...
My granny had exhaled her last breath...

I was furious with ourselves...
Furious with the situation...
Her other children and granchildren weren't there when it happened...
But that was besides the point...
How could WE not have been there?
How could I have been denied that chance?

I felt horrible those few days... weeks... or months, I can't remember...
It was something I never quite got over even though I had sobbed and cried my heart out...
I swear... nothing... nothing could ever hurt more than experiencing regret and knowing that things could never ever be changed.

But thankfully I knew... I understood...
Things always happen for a reason...
For us to accept and learn...

I am no longer straddled with regret, I am done with my crying.
I did cry a lil while i was typing this, but I know it is no longer the same...
For my tears now flow freely, with quiet acceptance...

And it soothes me to think that I do have another chance...

I still have my maternal granny with me...



Read
For One More Day by Mitch Albom

how?

love to me was a concept of growing
affection sown from a humble beginning
but once escaped from the depths of my feelings
how do I start from the very beginning?

................................................................................
(the night I was greeted by flowers and gifts)

How will love ever grow once again?
How will I possibly fall again?

Falling easy has never been my thing...
Much less falling all over again...

So until the end of my requested grace...
please leave me be in my own space...

and let me walk in my own pace...

me

if i were stripped bare...
and ripped apart...
what'd be left of me
would only be
echoes of my honesty
from my naive, naive heart

.........................................................................................
(It's pretty plain to see...)

This is me.
How I've always been.

Yet clear echoes could go unheard...
Time and time again...

Time and time again...

Till faith is lost and anguish stirred...

nothing

lying...
face-down on my bed
crying...
grappling...
yet still I failed
in releasing...
congested thoughts in my head

................................................................................
(fruitless attempt)

Yesterday I realised I deserved nothing...
From anyone... from anything...
Cos I realised I have nothing to give...
To anyone... to anything...
And now, sitting here looking at the screen, I realise...

Neither do I have anything to say...

somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like...

................................................................................

My old-time favourite song, it plays...
Highlighting every meaning it says...
As if it understands me...

As if it's always been within me...



Listen to
Somebody by Depeche Mode

broken arrows

the shafts, they may be broken
yet embedded the points remain
the heart, it slowly weakens
as the pain continues to reign...

unseen by the naked eye

...............................................................................................

free me...
liberate me...
from this feeling
that consumes me...

every single day...
every single night...

leave me be, don't rush me

please understand my true intention
before you hurl your accusation
if you must rush my contemplation
how will I liberate from confusion?

.........................................................................
(the morning I woke up to a hurtful message)

you promised...
so please...
don't go back on your words again

and please...
don't you dare accuse me...

music of the night

night-time sharpens,
heightens each sensation . . .
darkness stirs and
wakes imagination . . .
silently the senses
abandon their defences . . .

slowly, gently
night unfurls its splendour . . .
grasp it, sense it -
tremulous and tender . . .
turn your face away
from the garish light of day,
turn your thoughts away
from cold, unfeeling light -
and listen to
the music of the night . . .

.......................................................................
(lyrics from the Music of the Night)



Watch
The Phantom of the Opera

the funniest thing about human beings

"What is the human being's funniest characteristic?"

"Our contradictoriness. We are in such a hurry to grow up, and then we long for our lost childhood. We make ourselves ill earning money, and then spend all our money on getting well again. We think so much about the future that we neglect the present, and thus experience neither the present nor the future.We live as if we were never going to die, and die as if we had never lived."


Read
Like A Flowing River by Paul Coelho

then why?

Someone once told me
The heart is pure and untouched…

Then why…
Why does my heart feel cruel?
Why is it ruled by skepticism?
Why does it feel scarred…
wounded…
and crushed?

Why do I feel this way...
If the heart is truly supposed to be...
Pure and untouched...

untitled

flowers...
more of them today...
the brain, it whispered...
and there I wondered...
if I should hold on and stay...
maybe...
maybe the heart will follow suit one day?

........................................................

and there my heart...
it aches...

unbroken... technically

dear twin eyes, don't you worry
for letting it all go suddenly
cos the minute kohl was washed away
it technically marked the end of day

so thank you...
thank you my dear twins...
for having kept your promise...

for having stayed calm and pretty...

throughout the whole of yesterday...

a song that comes to mind

if you don't know me by now
you will never never never know me

...................................................
(lyrics from a song that came to mind)



Listen to
If You Don't Know Me By Now by Simply Red

let me make you pretty today

dear twin eyes, it’s been some time
since I last made you pretty
let us relive the good old times
when I'd line kohl on your lids

but I beg you please…
please promise me…
that’d you’d be good today...

and that you’d stay pretty…

for the rest of the day...

untitled

God,
it hurts...
it hurts real bad...
and I can't stop crying

But I need to..
So come on...
enough now...

I need to focus

my wounded soul, it bleeds...

it seems like writing has lost its cure
though words are formed
pain remains at the very core

like a million arrows had shot right through me
there embedded in my heart permanently
destroying branches of veins and arteries

and my wounded soul, it bleeds
only through my eyes…

only through my eyes…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

I was here…

I have been here all along…
But you’ve never...
Never tried to know me

So why only now?
Why the sudden interest?

Isn’t it all…
A little too late?


...to realise what you've been missing only after you've lost it...

noise

voices of the heart and the brain
juxtaposed in my head
the din just overwhelms me
weakens my discerning ability

....................................................................

Concepts are easy to grasp but not easy to master.

the story of the heart

for some time the heart had spoken
its whispers heard but left forgotten
to prove it wrong was my motivation
as I held on tight to my own subscriptions

...........................................................................

All along I had heard its whispers but was determined to prove it wrong.
Because I wanted to hold on to the very same beliefs I had subscribed to for so long.

So the heart was ignored...
Neglected...

But that very day,
When yet again you chose to walk away...

The heart, finally jumped at the chance to be heard.

not simply because...

maybe I should let the brain take over
maybe my own self matters no longer
but I want to stay because I want to
not simply to avoid hurting you

maybe I'll never find anyone in love's name
maybe there's no one who'd love me the same
but I want to stay because I want to
not simply because I think I have to

..........................................................................

How much more of reality and rationality can I take?

in the cold of the heat

in the heat of the scorching
in the glare of the blinding
I walked alone shivering
like a little leave quivering

…………………………………………………………………………

dear gentle wind
help me drift free
like a falling leave

take me away
bring me to a place
where I may find peace

calm and soothe me
with your caress
but I beg you please…

don’t leave me shivering…

don’t leave me cold…

strange... as strange as can be...

Woke up early Saturday morning from a strange dream...

My colleague and I were exploring a building... I remember the walls were made of glass and that the place was pretty spacious... We were probably on a high level of the building... I was too busy looking around that I didn't realise my colleague was no longer next to me. However, I then managed to catch a glimpse of her slowly disappearing from my sight. She had sat on a sloping slide... the slide was pretty much like a water slide in a theme park - the kind that gets you wet as you slide and land at the bottom of the ride.

I followed suit and sat on the slide. And before I knew it, I suddenly found myself half-naked. To make matters worse, I was sliding down real slowly and the lower levels were bustling with people! Instinctively, I crouched my body over and hugged my legs to cover myself.

Then out of nowhere, a guy approached, asking me if I was alright. But he was obviously merely pretending to help as he stood there right in front of me just humiliating me with his stare. I felt a surge of anger rise up within me and imagined punching his jaw. I can't remember if I actually did, but he soon disappeared from my sight.

But the speed of the slide was just so incredibly, frustratingly slow! I desperately wanted to move much faster and as I also wondered where the hell the slide would lead me to, a white cardigan appeared just above me. Simultaneously, I heard a voice saying, "Take this, it's Adeline's cardigan."

I looked up and was terribly surprised to see two of my male ex-classmates. Fortunately, I was still clear-headed enough to remember to put on the cardigan. Things happened real fast soon after.

I remember talking but I can't remember the conversation...
I remember my friends' hurried steps as they tried to keep up their pace next to me on the slide...
I remember the dream ended with me thanking them gratefully as I continued to slide down the slope...
Then everything else slowly disappeared...

I woke up.

..................................................................................

I can't make out whether it was a dream or a nightmare...
My mother once told me that dreaming about not being clothed is a sign of impending shame or humiliation...
I'm trying not to think about it, but I won't deny that it does disturb me...
I can't help but wonder what it meant...
Will I be facing a tough challenge in my future?

And it was so strange to see my old friends - the two whom I haven't been in touch for so long...
Plus Adeline was one of the guys' ex-girlfriend. They had broken up ages ago back when we were in secondary school... Sp that certainly added further to the strange factor...

If I could remember correctly, the predominant feelings I experienced in the dream were geared more towards frustration and strange surprise, as opposed to extreme humiliation... so I'm hoping that it wouldn't really be like what my mother had dreamt and experienced before... I really can't imagine going through what she did...

But... if anything were to seriously happen...
I pray that I'd be strong enough to ride it...
And find comfort in knowing that He knows best.

Cos though life may be strange or even painful...
I know that it is in fact beautiful...
in its mysterious ways...

irreversible

a silent horror
greeted my return
precious gift from mother
now chipped and broken

.............................................................
(a frustrating ending to what had been a good day)

Urgh!

three pages

My body's tired, my mind's exhausted, I'm feeling ill...
Yet it's so hard to fall asleep...

I decided to read a particular book. A simple, thin book... I had quite forgotten that I own it. I even had trouble recalling the author's name recently... When I opened the book, I was reminded of how long it had been since I last read it... the pages had gradually turned brown around the edges and there were sporadic brown aged spots on the pages.

It was about six years ago... I had spotted the book in France, and was delighted to buy the book from its country of origin. Makes it all the more authentic, I felt... Yes that was six years ago... They say that when you read the same book at different times of your life, you would interpret it differently... each time would be in relation to your life at that point of time.

I was curious as to how I'd interpret it now... So I decided to read it...

the first chapter told of the main character, whom at six years of age, had seen a picture in a book of a boa constrictor swallowing an animal. The book stated, "Boa constrictors swallow their prey whole without chewing it whereupon they can no longer move and sleep for six months digesting it."

He then drew his own interpretation of how a boa constrictor would look like as it digested and animal... He showed his masterpiece to the grown-ups and was exasperated at how they had simply dismissed it as a hat. He then attempted to draw again, this time an x-ray version which showed the animal inside the boa. But this illustration prompted the grown-ups to advise him to give up on his illustrations and to devote himself on something (they considered) more worthwhile instead.

His fate was sealed. He gave up his dreams of becoming a painter after the lack of success from his first two drawings.

.......................................................................................

I just stopped at the first chapter... never got past the first three pages...
Cos I simply couldn't stop crying...

Somehow it just reminded me of the words,
"I no longer know you... If you don't let me into your thoughts, I'll never understand you"...

Yes, I'm guilty of changing... cos I've been growing up...
But I've never been one to bury my feelings...
I just can't... it drives me crazy... and ill...
And it's not that I hadn't shared my thoughts...
I have...
I had...

But I've never been heard.

So I gave up.



Read:
The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery

inaudible

my mind, been trying to listen
to what my heart says
but my heart, it’s been silent
these recent few days

.................................................................

Has it truly been silent?

Honestly... I'm not even sure
Perhaps every beat is actually a secret whisper

bits of myself

My bracelet broke last night.

It just fell to the ground into pieces.

I guess those who witnessed it probably thought that it wouldn’t matter much to me as I have many others. Different colours… designs… I love pairing a different one with whatever I was wearing each day.

But for many weeks straight I have been wearing this bracelet… I don’t normally do it, but I guess I’ve grown pretty attached to it. I’m happy that the individual pieces are still in good order… so I know it's not beyond saving...

I still remember the day I bought it. Was waiting for the results of my scan, and I just didn’t want to sit waiting in dread amongst throngs of strangers. So I took a walk around and chanced upon a small accessories shop.

I spotted a pretty necklace first. I don’t know quite how to describe it but it had me fixated… its design had cracks on the stone… quite like the picture on my blog. And then I saw the bracelet… I had been looking for something to pair with the antique butterfly necklace I had for ages. I was wearing the necklace then, and I was really happy at how perfectly they matched.

I certainly didn’t plan on buying accessories that day. I didn’t want to spend the money… but I found myself walking back again and again just to take a look at them.

It was then I decided that I deserved something pretty for myself… no matter what would happen later… no matter what my results would be…

My friend says its crazy how I get so emotionally attached to my belongings. I can’t help it. Every piece means something to me. Every gift from someone, every treat from yours truly.

For this one, it was special because it lifted my spirits… It made me believe that though it may have taken a long time, that it is in fact possible to find that perfect match.

I reached home and checked on my pretty cracked necklace just to be sure it was still alright.
It was there on my table… exactly where I had left it...
And it was only then that I noticed…
I had been wearing it so often...

But I hadn’t realized that one of its stones had fallen off...

could the heart lie?

my heart had spoken
I need no more reasons
no more justification

but those eyes, they accused me
of wicked, heartless cruelty
and in my peace, I suddenly felt guilty

cos hurting is never something I chose to do
and there I wondered…

was my heart was telling me the truth?

……………………………………………………………..………………………..………………………..
(the night I decided but then I wavered in the face of accusation)

Was I selfish?
Cruel?
Evil?

God… I need you to please tell me…
So that I may have certainty…

An unwavering certainty.

never my intention to

please forgive me when I withdrew
for it wasn't my intention to
throw your words right back at you
but the next last thing I would want to do

is to end up once again hurting you

……………………………………………………………..………………...………………..
(the day I could see a bigger picture)

God knows best…
And if He is willing…
It will be…

Thank you

message in a recurring

the birds, they flew right overhead
once too often till I became afraid
if thousand words lay beneath an image
if those were signs, what is His message?

………………………………………………………………………………………………
(the morning I decided:
cont'd from entry in “the alchemist” on 30 March 07)

They were signs, my heart said to me.

I was afraid…
If they were truly signs…
That they would mean something…
Something I couldn’t understand…
Something I couldn’t even begin to believe…

As I stood under the pouring water, I began to realise a new possibility.
A new meaning. A hidden message.

Something that I wasn’t afraid of.

The birds…
They reminded me of my past…
They represented hope…
Hope to fly and help others fly…
Hope to inspire…
Hope to add colours…
The feeling of lightness in dreams…

The birds…
They reminded me that I have been missing a part of myself
When I tucked my wings…
When I lost the ability to trust…
When I was blind to the colours of my own day…
When heaviness pulled and overwhelmed me…

As I let the water stream down my face,
I believed right then I had found my answer.

living paradox

I’ve always thought I was a living paradox.
But I’ve never known just how much of it is true…

I’ve always been frustrated with myself
With my constant inner struggle
The debate between the heart and the mind
Which is always seemingly never-ending
It drains me…
Exhausts me…
Makes me lose sleep...

And I never understood why…

Until I found out that I was
As rational as I was emotional
As symmetrical as I was asymmetrical
As abstract as I was concrete
As cool as I was warm
Almost…

So I am a living paradox
Who now knows better of the way she thinks

ingredients needed

space.

time.

trust.

freedom.

drive.

growth.

………………………………….…………………….
(recipe to my heart)

If missing or lacking,
The heart stops beating.


And I quote,
"If I feel heavy, how could I fly?"
by me, myself and I.

misery loves company

my only guest
in purple tee
I must profess
it's pure uncanny

it was spontaneous
needed no rsvp
we cheered with tears
and bubble tea

…………………………………………………………….……………………………………………….
(party for the distressed.
dress code: purple.
goodie bags: tissue packs)

No more kohl lines my eyes...
So go on now...
Make me cry...

find comfort… in a song…

"when you try your best but you don't succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you can't sleep
stuck in reverse"

……………………………………………………………….………………………………..
(a song that sums up my feelings)

When assurance was needed, I had given my word.
And kept it in spite of everything.
When silence was requested, I held back my words.
Despite whatever I was thinking.

Because I believed that everything was possible.
That everything could be worked out.

I fiercely believed.
I consciously tried.
Yet it wasn’t good enough.

But then I questioned…

How about me?


Listen to:
Fix You by Coldplay