for one more day

"Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever?"

If so, then you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.

...................................................................................................

When my paternal granny died, I couldn't forgive myself...
For a lot of things...
I was her favourite grandchild... though I had no idea why...
And she was my favourite granny...
Until a spate of family misunderstandings happened.

I don't know why, but as a child I never should have bothered in grown-up stuff...
I mean she loved me for whom I was, I should never had allowed other things to affect the way I felt about her...
But I did.

I still remember the day she died.
Only God knows... I had honestly wanted to visit her in the hospital before going to work. All along I had been visiting her with my family, and I had asked for her forgiveness... But it was different, I felt. I really wanted to sit there by her side, look into her eyes and tell her how much I actually loved her and that i was sorry for all the wrongs I ever did. Even though she could barely talk, even though I had no idea if she could understand me, that was what I had vowed to do... that morning.

And then I learnt that my brother wanted to make her way down too, so I decided to wait for him so we could make our way down together. We were preparing to leave... then my dad reached home from the hospital... We had never once left my granny alone - and that time, it was my dad's shift to wait by her side, and I had no idea why he came home.

And then there it was...
That dreaded call...

I could remember the painful, anxious journey to the hospital.
How I was cursing myself...
Why didn't I stick to my original plan?
I could have been by her side...
Her favourite grandchild...
Why did my dad leave her to come home?
Her favourite son...

When we got there it was too late...
My granny had exhaled her last breath...

I was furious with ourselves...
Furious with the situation...
Her other children and granchildren weren't there when it happened...
But that was besides the point...
How could WE not have been there?
How could I have been denied that chance?

I felt horrible those few days... weeks... or months, I can't remember...
It was something I never quite got over even though I had sobbed and cried my heart out...
I swear... nothing... nothing could ever hurt more than experiencing regret and knowing that things could never ever be changed.

But thankfully I knew... I understood...
Things always happen for a reason...
For us to accept and learn...

I am no longer straddled with regret, I am done with my crying.
I did cry a lil while i was typing this, but I know it is no longer the same...
For my tears now flow freely, with quiet acceptance...

And it soothes me to think that I do have another chance...

I still have my maternal granny with me...



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For One More Day by Mitch Albom