minutes to a new year

I wish there’s such a thing as ice cream home delivery. I’m sitting at my computer now, settling for the next best thing I could find… cereal with milk.

It’s forty minutes to midnight and I suddenly have the urge to recap 2008 before it’s gone.

In the beginning of the year, I sensed that 2008 would be a year to remember – I didn’t know what or why. And indeed, this year for me had been one filled with tremendously tough choices.

Scanning old entries, I wouldn’t say that the year had been very unkind to me. Rather, it had been partial, ensuring that I experienced a fair share of ups and downs. The scale is equally balanced, I think.

I am blessed that every tear I shed had evaporated in the warmth that surrounded me. With that, I’m happy to say that I am not and will not allow myself to be bitter.

Earlier this year, I had resolved to open my heart to rediscover love, in the little things, in myself for myself. And I believe, to a certain extent, I have achieved that. I have discovered and learnt to love a few things about myself – who I am as a person, what I’m capable of doing (including things I never knew I could) for others and most importantly, myself.

So I say, 2009, bring it on.

:OP

I seem therefore I am

many a time I caught myself shutting out spoken words
but I'm hoping I'd done a good job in pretending to listen

................................................................................................................
(on being a host)

I was too preoccupied wishing.
It doesn't help to be in those same places.

But today slightly made my day.
I'm just hoping... hoping
for the best

low tolerance day

I'm beginning to think that I have low tolerance for men.
Dad at his pompous best must be the ultimate. Urgh!

Not a good way to start the day my male cousin is visiting.

a dream awake

I had a dream today. Or rather, it was a series of images for I had them while I was awake. Is it a daydream then? I couldn’t be sure.

A daydream is a visionary fantasy experienced while awake, especially one of happy, pleasant thoughts, hopes or ambitions

- wikipedia

Based on that definition alone, the ‘dream’ I had however, didn’t seem to qualify. I wish I could illustrate the scenes, but I dread drawing humans. So I’ll try my best to illustrate them in words to the best of my memory.

…………………………………….…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….

There stood a girl, all alone, in a dimly lit room. She was drawing on the bare, grey wall with a piece of white chalk. Flowers… the sun… random objects which came to her mind. Once she completed a picture, she rubbed them off with her bare hands. She did not pay much attention to the ray of light that shone momentarily against the wall before she erased her pictures.

She then started writing big bold letterings on the wall… scribbling layers and layers of words determinedly, as though she was releasing her fears, her anger, her disappointment, her heartache. One over the other, till the letterings became indecipherable... till she was exhausted... till she surrendered.

She rested her left cheek on the wall, not caring if the chalk dirtied her face. She stretched out her arms, palms against the wall. And as she hugged the cold concrete, she started to cry.

The ray of light appeared again. But this time it did not escape her eyes. She whirled around to face the window. The louver was slightly opened, allowing the sunlight to enter. Through her teary, squinted eyes, she spotted a silhouette by the window. Then the louver shut close.

She tried to erase the writings on the wall with her damp hands but her attempts proved to be futile. All she managed to do was smudge them. So she gave up.

Drained, she slid her back down against the wall till her bum touched the floor. She sat quietly, tightly hugging her knees and waited. And waited… and waited.

True enough, it happened again. This time, just as the louver was being lifted, she rushed to the window, desperate to see who it was. She was certain she saw that silhouette again. But the moment she reached the window, it was no longer there.

She gazed out between the louvers, wondering how many visits had gone unnoticed before and why they had been made in silence…

“Was there really nothing to say?” she whispered sadly. She looked up and caught her reflection on a louver.

She looked just like me.

sudden inspiration

hardshell: i shld quit it all and be a counselor… ahaha
N.K: waaa... do it!
hardshell: yea den i can charge you for my time ;p
N.K: I’d pay.
hardshell: haha 1 customer’s not gonna make me rich
N.K: I shall spread news of your talents for you. hey, when people find out mr condescending is seeing you, they'll be so interested. ;-p
hardshell: i just saw something and was inspired to make a corny joke
N.K: what, what?
hardshell: hehe
N.K: hey, stop the suspense!
hardshell: but it's really bad hahaha
N.K: I'm used to your corniness, as you are to mine.
hardshell: “with each consultation with me, your condescending value will gradually descend”
N.K: *faint*
N.K: you win.
hardshell: you asked for it
N.K: hahaha! can I print it in my memoirs in 30 years time? If I'm still alive.
hardshell: haha not this!

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(when math meets english in corny corner)

night walk to nowhere

walking away...
I walked...
and walked...
and walked...
and I did not stop
till the hour passed

3:00 a.m.

It was slightly past 3 a.m.

I was switching off my mac when I suddenly heard the sounds of a desperate struggle with a doorknob of a locked door. I stiffened.

“Not again,” I thought in dread. Just last week, at about the same time, I heard the disturbing, continuous cries of a female which sent a shiver down my body to my toes. I never knew where it came from, but I have since conveniently attributed it to a neighbour who frequently gets into quarrels with her husband.

This time, the noise sounded real close, like it was right behind me. I took a deep breath and willed myself to turn around and face my door. I did not blink. Vibrations... sounded as though the door was about to break down. I stared at it as the noise continued.

I stepped closer to my door and once I was certain that the noise wasn’t coming from it, I unlocked it and peeped out. Like thunder breaking the silence of the night, the source was unmistakably clear. It came from the door facing mine – my granny’s room.

True enough, I heard S’s voice asking my granny what was going on. Apparently Granny had woken up to go to the bathroom only to discover to her horror that the doorknob was faulty. Her frantic attempts to open it literally shook the whole door, causing the loud noise and vibrations that I heard.

I rushed over with all the keys I grabbed from the household key holder. None fitted.

“Damn! How could it be?” I didn’t believe that the key to the door wasn’t amongst them even though I had tried every single key. So I tried them all over again just to be sure that I hadn’t missed any. It didn’t help that all the while Granny was panicking behind the door and totally ignoring my instruction to leave the doorknob alone. I was glad S was there to calm her down.

The commotion woke Mum up. As I continued trying the rest of the keys, she groggily scoured the kitchen and found a couple more batches of keys.

A gust of thoughts rushed through my mind when I heard the lock click open.
Thank God, the key was there...
Thank God Mum woke up…
Thank God S sleeps with Granny…

And thank God for my weird sleeping pattern…

..................................................................................................
(21 December 2008)

who's the boss?

promises of rainbow hues
may well woo back those who left you
but you can’t simply retract your words
once they’ve re-entered your world

sometimes it’s not whether you’re the boss
but whether you deserve to be
and before you say you do…

prove it true

.........................................................................
(M.Y: Her story rings a bell)

Kudos to M.Y.

the lightness of being

I float
while I become immersed
in the calmness that buoys me

I lay cushioned
in the absence of time
just drifting, doing nothing

I close my eyes
lulled by my own breathing
and indecipherable distant sounds...

peace

I stretch out my arms
part my legs wide
like a starfish in the sea...

free

I open my eyes
the blue sky in front of me
a cumulus cloud floating by

it's been so long
I had almost forgotten...

bliss

......................................................................................................
Location: Loh Dalum Bay, Phi Phi Island, Krabi

Listen to:
Your own breathing

post november peeks

This November was a month I’ll never forget. My turning 27 was akin to celebrating a grand 21st birthday that I never had.

It was a month-long celebration full of treats and pampering… (well-deserved I thought after a very crazy October – hell, it was one crazy year!). It’s no wonder I was happy even before the actual day haha.

I think of the wish I’m entitled to every year. I’ve always wished for one thing. To always remember and be remembered.

Thank you all my loved ones for being there and always remembering me.
*hugs and pinches

Here’s my miscellaneous picks for November:

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melamine? no it's not from china...
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work
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itadakimas!
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we will guard your moisturised feet after the spa. meow
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new toy
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pink feet
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keyword: round
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birthday trip
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new reads
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death

I thought about death a lot during the last two weeks of November.

Don’t ask me why. But it made me wonder if they were the same thoughts Dad had when he was much younger. When my siblings and I were babies, Dad had never carried us. Not once, mum said.

“I truly believed that I would die young and I wanted to spare all of you the heartache of losing someone,” he told me once when I was much older. He didn’t say anything more, but I understood then how he wanted to protect us from the hurt he once experienced when he lost his own father at a very young age.

Perhaps my feelings of death were planted by international news that rung of the world's end. Poisonous jellyfish in Phi Phi, floods in Vietnam, travel warnings in Bali and Sri Lanka, riots in Bangkok, terror attacks in Mumbai… all happening in November alone.

I don’t think I ever dreamt of death in those weeks. I just felt it.
A relation.
Between death and myself.

Is it an omen? Or hint of a new beginning?

*shrugs... Well only time will tell.

testing testing

It's past midnight...
I'm lying in bed...
But I'm not asleep.

Heh.

meet doraemon

Deuter has been my trusted traveling companion most times, for as long as I can remember. I have grown to refer to him affectionately as Doraemon, a nickname my friends gave him… cos despite being the smallest, he never fails to surprise them.

It all began during a trip to KL with the sorority sisters. The minute we met up, we started to size up each other’s companions. As usual, Deuter was the smallest… and that sure warranted some in-depth comparison…

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
(The beginning… loosely based on my memory)

Y.W: I brought 5 sets of clothes!
S.H: yea, same.
I.R: Me too!
Deuter: So did I
I.R: How could that be? You are significantly smaller
Deuter: *shrugs. Maybe cos you brought different headgears?
I.R: I only brought 1 which I’m wearing now. I intend to buy one. Still it wouldn’t have made such a major difference.
Y.W: Toiletries…
Deuter: Uhuh
I.R: Sweater
Deuter: Check
Y.W: Oh! I brought an umbrella in case it rains.
Deuter: Me too.
I.R, Y.W, S.H: ?!!! There’s got to be something lacking!
Deuter: *shrugs

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
(During the journey.)

I.R: I’m hungry
Deuter: Do you want some bread? I have some if you want.
I.R: ok

I.R (finished eating and looked around restlessly)
Deuter: Are you still hungry? I have pizza if you want.
I.R: Where the hell do you keep all of these?!!

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

So that was how Deuter got his nickname.

I love traveling with him. I always knew I could count on him to understand my changing needs and give me room to grow. In fact, I’m so dependent on him that sometimes I tend to forget that he is actually not my own…

He is adopted.

Oh well, let’s hope his real parent does not demand him back before we leave for our next trip. hiakhiak

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shooting one's own foot

anonymous*: I can tolerate women's flaws but coming from men, I think they don't deserve to live. I don’t know why so harsh judgment on them
hardshell: LOL! HAHAHA… they don't deserve to live?
hardshell: how about... the best chefs, the best designers are usually men?
anonymous: well, those who are good... I've got nothing to say but those that try too hard, I can’t stand, you know what I mean? as in I can tolerate women trying but I can't tolerate men who can't or fail in anything
hardshell: lol! I just can’t stand men who complain. I suddenly thought of D.C… he complains but I don’t mind as much. I wonder why. Cos he knows he's full of shit I guess
anonymous: cos you never did treat him like a man… be honest now. we treated him like ONE OF US – a GIRL. He's like a sissy pot the way he bitches with us PLEASE
hardshell: LOL! Hahahahahah! Maybe, you have a point. But what about the people saying that WE are like guys? lol
anonymous: they are morons
hardshell: haha! you were one of them! lol
anonymous: lol! you tricked me! you said people
hardshell: haha


* name has been changed for moronic privacy :OP

uninvited guest

“Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!”

Uninvited, that was how the guest announced his presence as he entered my office. But my eyes remained glued to my computer. Dissatisfied that I was not paying him the attention that he demanded, he walked towards me, touched my arm and started whirling the desk chair I was sitting in.

And just as I started to show interest in him, he moved away from me. He then stood mumbling in the middle of the space. As he looked and pointed at the things around he would turn towards me to check if I was following all of his gazes and points.

My eyes followed him till he slid behind the door next to the boxes and disappeared from my angle of sight. But I could still hear him calling my name in a voice that completely tugged at my heart. That was when I could no longer contain myself.

I rushed over behind the door, hugged him and started smothering him with sniffs and kisses. He was simply irresistible.

Sigh, my daily sniffing addiction… my nephew.



Listen to:
Brand New Colony by The Postal Service

post october peeks

Polaroids! Don't you just love the nostalgic mood and feel? Lovely...

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nephew in a box
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"We'll be waiting for you here," they said.
.......................................................................................................................................................

... aroma and whispers linger in the air
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what are your eyes drawn to?
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K.Z's baby boy with spiraling hair growth... Literally
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a necessary want

the dream
once a simple desire
now transformed to necessity
having cried for fulfillment...

again...
and again...

the dream
once conjured in my mind
now threatens to fade
in the face of all odds

the dream
once triggered happiness
now leaves an ache
where hope was once etched

.......................................................................................
(when a want has become a need)

Have you ever wanted something so bad
that it makes you wonder
why you even placed so much emphasis -
one that no one else seems to share, on it?

Then you start to remember
how you had once promised yourself
every single time you needed a reason
to hang on just a lil bit longer for just a lil bit more

But the time just never seemed to come.
And just when you thought it would...
it never does.

Then you start to realise
that every single time you deny it, delay it or compromise on it
all the various reasons continue to build up...

Feeding the transformation of desire
into a sense of motivation
and finally...

into a necessity.

twenty seven

one number
in the remaining days
in the total years
in a day of bargains
in an exquisite find

just one number

...............................................................................
(1 Nov: twenty seven to twenty seven)

The mystery of
mathematical patterns
and coincidences
amazes me.

A day that revolves
around a single number
is simply too cool to ignore.

And today was such a day.

Cool :O)

just when you think you've found something, you lose it

sometimes the things you want so bad
are just not meant to be yours

......................................................................
(crushed. again.)

Maybe I should stop pursuing this
Before I lead myself to greater disappointment

I'm tired
I really am

time

in it’s acquaintance with Man
it waits for none
and I found myself constantly
running… just to keep up

but today, it was unlike any other day

what should’ve been one was wooed to two
silently and enjoyably, it lasted
longer, longer and longer
till as long as a good night’s rest

today I fell in love with time

cos for once
it held me by the hand

……………………………………………………..……………………………..
(23 October 08: extended girly session)

No striking off from to-do lists
No restless drumming of my fingers
No rapid beating of my heart
No countdown ticking in my ear

Only the delight of spontaneity
Only the hunger for sharing
Only the therapy of laughter
Only the pleasure of bonding

In the warmth of great company
With time on my side

:O)



Listen to:
Take Me Home by Aqualung

Just woke up from a nightmare...

something in common

case 1
Someone asked S.H. for a loan of a couple of hundred dollars. Not once, not twice but a few times via sms. So previous loans may have been repaid but well... they were not without repeat reminders.

case 2
Someone chided me for not inviting her over to my place. My reasons were cast aside, replaced by her opinion (unrequested by me) on why they were invalid. I didn't rebuke. Or rather couldn't bring myself to cos it would've been rude. Conversation ended awkwardly.

case 3
Someone somehow managed to get hold of my number and sent me anonymous cheeky messages that almost freaked me out even while I tried not to think much about it. I ignored them. Identity was later voluntarily revealed but not without a confidentiality disclaimer.

.............................................................................................................

The CSI bug got to me. Well at least, last night's episode did.

Out of the blue, something that was common in all three cases became starkly obvious to me. There was something similar between these 'someones' – They are all not technically friends. Neither to me nor S.H. in her case. And by that definition, I mean, they are people you do not meet and hang out with, do not keep in touch with and do not even know them intimately as friends to begin with. Basically, they are what the English dictionary would define as 'acquaintances'.

Is it just me or have people failed to see the boundaries and hence lost the judgment to pull themselves back from crossing the line?

It seems as though lines can be so easily blurred.
Between genuine desperate pleas for help and an incorrigible bad habit,
between a pushy, over-friendly tease and an inappropriate, unlikely expectation,
between a playful, cheeky hello and a turn-off greeting with vested interest...
Sometimes we just can't tell the difference.

But one thing to note:
These very things that fall within the blur can leave a distinct question mark in your mind.

post september peeks

September was one hell of a busy, crazy month. But there were tiny moments that perked me up... Another skimpy, post dated collection of positive peeks.

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inspired between baking and cleaning
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hardshell and the chocolate chip factory
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:O)
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tag says it all
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shopping for sis' birthday can be 'trying'
and I'm loving the River Island top I bought for her
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the similarity between distance and being distant

one can try to reach out
to close the distance
but one can never come close
unless given the chance

………………………………………………………………………….………………………………….
(If there's ever a need to know, one will know)

Sometimes we don’t need to matter what or why
But how, when the right time comes, if it does
We try our best to be a person who matters

equation of personal value

hardshell: this conversation makes me feel better cos you reminded me that I could rise above displacement... thx
N.K: hey, it's just talking to me. I'm happy to make you feel better. That's the point of being a friend, no?
hardshell: yea... strange how conversations can be remedies… an unsuspecting remedy
N.K: bouncing thoughts off others always helps you catch them better.
hardshell: my heart still feels heavy lah... but at least better
hardshell: things happen for a reason. If I can learn something from it, what was it?
N.K: you have to realise that you are bigger than the sum of where you worked at, what you did, what you do and what you buy, who you dated, who you read and blah blah blah...
hardshell: its a tough equation to remember sometimes
hardshell: how's this for your equation?

me + myself + i > what i was + where i was + what i did

N.K: hahaha! cooool... got to copy that. Then try to figure it out.
hardshell: lol
hardshell: can you get a student to design a tee with that equation? I'll buy it
N.K: I'd have to put you down as the inspiration.
hardshell: but I was inspired by what you wrote :O)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(people x thoughts = inspirations + ideas)

no more tiptoeing

no more barbed wires
at least no longer near me
safe from fresh blisters
I’m now walking on a pole
and though balancing isn’t easy
I am inching slowly
and it helps to believe
I’m making my way across
to where the grass is greener

………………………………………………………………………………
(16 September 2008)

The temporary reunion
Made me appreciate
A sense of calmness
Deep in the heart of
My restless solitary

dressy dilemma

It was love at first sight... I tried it once and then I tried it a second time. And just when I summoned enough nerve to decide on buying it, I was told it was only 'okay' for it's 'wow' price. So I was back to square one... certainly a first where mms and 3G consulation failed to rescue me from a dilemma (the score was tied).

I had set out, promising to give myself a treat, but I've never splurged so much on a dress before...

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with 100% pure silk caressing your skin, it sure makes one feel like dancing...
..........................................................................................................................

should I get it?
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Listen to
I'm Feeling Good by Muse

post august peeks

Just thought of posting random shots from my phone. Hmm... think I should try to do this monthly. Hee... let august be the inaugural month! But heh... a very skimpy collection for a debut, I'd have to admit. Not to mention a very belated one :OP

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abandoned my 'current read' to be transported back to my childhood

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3 for 10 bucks... nostalgic trip at a steal!

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girly souvenir from M.C and S.H. flaunts witty copy that turns me on ;OP

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can't remember it's name but I definitely remember how delicious it was!

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a date with the little prince

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keeping count

another bad one yesterday...
that makes three...
I would always be in them, one way or another
and I would sometimes know the other people, one way or another

can't help but recall what H.L. said about weirdness
I'm really hoping previous coincidences were simply flukes

I must think positive...

me and you and everyone we know

Michael: I just wish I had met her 50 years sooner. But then maybe I needed 70 years of my life to be ready for a woman like Ellen.

The movie “Me and You and Everyone We Know”

……………………………………………………………………………………….………………………..

It struck me the moment I heard it.

I remember how my heart skipped a beat. There I was in front of the screen, grabbing a piece of paper just so I could scribble it down - it was something I didn't want to forget.

In a side-storyline within the movie, Michael, a man in his golden years realised that he had finally found his soul mate in an elderly lady called Ellen. But she later turned him down cos she knew that she was dying and the reality of her soon leaving him alone in the world led to the above dialogue.

While the dialogue was used in the said context, I felt a meaning that was worth far beyond that… it was, to me, a universal concept on life.

Imagine someone who has been devoting his life to his career only to learn that a successful career means nothing without the presence of his loved ones. Or someone who has long been pursuing an interest only to discover his talent in something quite different.

These are just random examples. But how many times have we reached a significant point of realisation in our lives, only to wonder why it had never occurred to us earlier? Even with a sense of happiness that comes with enlightenment, it is natural to wish that we hadn’t wasted time in everything else prior to ‘it’.

But had we realise ‘it’ much earlier, would we have cherished ‘it’ with the same level of appreciation?

I guess sometimes we need to be blind for a while… We need to waste some time, maybe even some years, just so that when the right time comes, when ‘it’ unravels in front of us, we wouldn’t miss it for the world.

And when that happens, hopefully, we would pursue it like there’s no tomorrow.

just when you thought you remember everything

a distant old friend
someone unforgotten, suddenly says hello
tells you something then
what you had done for her many years ago

something you have quite forgotten

but something she had never forgotten

.......................................................................................
(2.30am and I'm feeling rather special)

What's insignificant to us may actually be significant to others.
We often don't realise it.
And we won't.

Until they share with you so.

And when they do...
It's amazing how it can make your day
to learn that you had once made someone's day

Even if it was some seven years ago.

:O)

connecting the dots

Been having weird dreams the past two weeks... weird mis mashed scenes with even weirder storylines... sorta remind me of the movie Paprika where many dreams were merged into one. It was even stranger to dream of people I'm hardly even close to or keeping in touch with, only to have them coincidentally emerging in my reality the next day, be it in conversations or situations.

Yesterday, the dream I had was relatively straightforward... well compared to the mis mashed ones, of course.

In the dream, I was lying in bed, reading a rather thick, old book. Was turning the last page of the preface when a familiar name caught my eye. I knew the name wasn't the author's nor had it any relevance to the book. And I don't know why but I felt positive that it was a clue that would lead me to something.

I closed the book, bent it into a curve and let the pages flip. I did this a few times, from cover to back and back to cover. True enough, a signature fell out from the spine. Apparently those bound few sheets of pages were foreign to the book, but had somehow been 'attached' to the spine to give the impression that they belonged.

I held it in my hands and stared at the first page. There it was, that name again printed on a paper that has aged and turned brown. I turned the pages one by one, my vision simply absorbing the printed words that seemed to flow endlessly. There were also a few coloured photos of tall buildings and blue, blue skies.

It seemed like I was reading a journal cos I found myself inducted in thoughts, revelations, reflections and visions - I didn't actually read them, but I could feel them, I just knew.

And I can't remember how the dream ended, but it just did.

.........................................................................................................

Dreams don't necessarily mean a thing.
But sometimes they do...
Sometimes they may be clues or hints
of what's to come
But you wouldn't know it then

At least not until something happens after that to make you realise a link.

And just a while ago
I connected the dots to my dream.

:O)

paradoxical wednesday

Today was such a quietly eventful day.

Conversations, conversations, conversations.
And a letter.

Good things, happy things, inspiring things.
And a dreaded thing.

Solutions, solutions, solutions.
And an issue.

All happened as I sat here in my seat.

But a certain midnight conversation was the one to be remembered.

............................................................................................................

hardshell (nick: wonderwoman): are you ok???
S.Z (nick: i'm in trouble): no .. sigh
hardshell: you seem to be rather hard on yourself, i mean from your nicks today
S.Z: yar. hee. hum ... i must think positive, no?
hardshell: yea... and the first step is to change your nick... it is said that... sometimes thoughts are prayers... so pls think positively
S.Z: hmm.. you have a point. YES! ok .. i will put action into my thoughts.
S.Z (nick: is very certain GOD is looking over her): yes .. how's this?
hardshell: that's better
S.Z: hee.. thanks very much
hardshell: no prob
S.Z: mind if i document this?
hardshell: document what? blogging it?
S.Z: this dialogue lah... yar babe. it helps in self reflection
hardshell: haha i do that too sometimes... sure
hardshell:i didn't realise need to ask permission tho... gasp! Have i been breaching laws?!! ack
S.Z: of coz .. hee. I need to have respect for others' privacy as well
hardshell: yea... well mostly it's about ourselves. i mean a point that serves as a reminder to ourselves
S.Z: yupsie .. aren't we all learning?
hardshell: yeap
S.Z: its great to have friends who may not be close to you, but can offer a different perspective as and when you need it .. kinda like a very much needed smack in the face ..
S.Z: right, wonder woman?
hardshell: lol

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It's funny... but when the conversation ended...
I actually felt like I could possibly be a wonder woman...
A super woman, haha.

Sigh... it's good to know you can help someone feel better.

Sorta makes you feel better too.

:O)