maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
these little black clouds
keep walking around
with me
with me

it wastes time
and I'd rather be high
think I'll walk me outside
and buy a rainbow smile
but be free
they're all free

so maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
been the upperside of down
been the inside of out
but we breathe
we breathe

............................................................
(lyrics to maybe tomorrow by stereophonics)

It's amazing how the same song can shed different meaning to you at different times.
And it's amazing that it all can happen within just a matter of hours.

Had let myself go...
my spirits lifted by Kelly Jone's singing of one of my favourite tracks.
Had let myself go...
As I felt all the worries come surging towards me, alone, as I'm left to wonder what the hell tomorrow brings.
Had let myself go...
When I was reminded of my journey upon rediscovering the message:

"I cannot promise you that we won't meet anymore wild beasts.
I cannot say we won't get lost.
I cannot promise there's gonna be sun throughout
But all I can say is the previous journey taught me a lot...
so I'm reaching out my arms, let's brave the forest again?'

So maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home...
God help me
For home is peace
and should home be the best for me...

mismatch

M.Y: We can skype and look at what we can wear? Lol!
hardshell: I wanted to msg you that! I swear. Lol!
M.Y: Lol. Great. See you online after we shower.

............................................................................

It was the perfect plan - Video skype and plan our 'mismatch' ensemble for tonight. But it never took place cos I fell asleep. Which explains why I'm up this early now.

But with no one around to act as a consultant now, I'm utterly clueless.

Damn!

yahoo

Did you know that when you sign in to your yahoo email (maybe even flickr), you're automatically signed in to messenger too?

I never knew that. Well, I did see one or two contacts online before but assumed it meant that they were online checking their emails too and I would have the option to ping them. Discovered yesterday however that others who had me in their address book are able to see me, regardless whether I had saved them in mine.

Apparently that has been happening. Been mistaken for logging in, ignoring people or pretending to be offline. Small thing, really.

But when that sows distrust, it's really nothing to yahoo about.

broken compass

hardshell: I feel like a broken compass... the needle constantly shaking and I'm waiting for it to stabilise
A.T: when will it?
hardshell: C.F. was asking me e same thing
A.T: do you have the feeling... as in when it will stabilise?
hardshell: I dunno. but I gave myself a deadline so that I'll force myself to think
A.T: when is your deadline?
A.T: so I know when to ask you
hardshell: but frankly A.T... nvm
A.T: say lah
A.T: please dun hide things and then worry by yourself.

.......................................................................................

I realised yesterday that I totally suck at expressing myself sometimes.
Not that this is finally enlightenment...
More like this time, the ray of truth had cast an unbearable blinding glare in my eyes.

I could only manage an amused laugh when A.T, in her exasperation, flailed her arms at me, possibly trying to fan whatever thoughts I had that were stuck in my head to be released.

*sigh... the comforts of being around people who know you so well...

At the end of it all, I was actually happy with what was discussed. It was something I wanted to try during this period of time, (or rather, in my emo speak) to discover a new beginning in an end. But knowing I couldn't and wouldn't want to do it alone, I had 'tested water' twice earlier and found the response unfavourable. I then dismissed it altogether.

So I was rather satisfied that I have somehow reached a full circle, a common understanding despite being challenged by my stunted thoughts.

Strange... It felt as though I had been running a marathon.

of concepts and methods

It can’t hurt to be methodical
When you learn to love to appreciate
You will then learn to appreciate love

………………………………………………………….…………………..
(surprise upon my return)



Listen to:
"Pull the Pin" Album by Stereophonics

thank god

I had never been too confident of my mum with her 'blind-to-things-ahead' way of walking, plus her 'idle-shouldering' of her bag, multiplied by her unsteady footing.

Well that confidence hit a new low after we stepped foot on the uneven roads of Malaysia.

Dad was in his usual 'blame-others' mode when he had to retreat from his attempt to cross the busy road. He was the first to attempt to cross but failed to and was forced to walk back because there were simply too many cars but the old man's ego was simply too big to swallow. Don't ask me why, but in his senior years, he has totally mastered the art of turning something insignificant into a talking point and so, he does it this time by unnecessarily pinning the blame on us - that he had to retreat because the rest of us were too slow to cross.

Mum, who isn't one to take anything lying down, retorted indignantly at him. Never mind that we were crossing the road. And it didn't help that my dad gave her this pompous egoistic glance. I couldn't help but laugh at the whole absurdity of it all.

"These are my parents?!!!" I mused to myself, holding Mum's right arm tightly as we stood on the road divider and waited for the opportune moment to cross another road. When the road cleared, we started walking and the next thing I knew, I found myself falling towards the ground.

Apparently, Mum had miscalculated the height of the kerb (I have to admit, the kerb was higher than normal) and so in her misjudgment, she tripped and fell, dragging me (who weighs slightly more than half of her) down. I exclaimed in shock, but in reflex, managed to tighten my hold on her arm and pull her up just before her face hit the tar road, in the same split second that she tried to use her left arm to break her fall.

We were extremely lucky that the flow of traffic had miraculously slowed down and there were no cars heading our way... Mum escaped with a scar on her left knee and a sore left arm but the fact of the matter is, we could've died!

"If we had died on the road, I think I'd have gone straight to heaven", I told Mum in jest much later, referring to the saying that "Heaven lies at the foot of a mother".

And another funny thing to note... Though Mum fell on her left, the handbag that she was clutching on her left shoulder was strangely unscathed.

"It's as though the road knew that the bag was a gift from someone", Mum hinted.

And I couldn't help but smile...

.......................................................................
(19 April 2008)

the perils of not thinking

the very first thought
unborn from thinking
leads one to fall, be caught
in the trap of committing

what one normally wouldn’t

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Maybe I’m gonna give thinking a rest.
I honestly don’t know why…
I don’t know for how long…
And I don’t know when it should officially begin…

I haven’t thought about it.

Gee, I guess I’ve already begun.

heavy

Had trouble waking up this morning.

I don't know why...
Seemed as though I had been dreaming many dreams
Yet I couldn't recall any one of them...
Not a single one.

And I don't know why...
My heart felt really heavy...

So heavy, it ached.

It still does.

reunion

it was still there...
waiting to be recovered
and I was lifted from despair
when we finally reunited

............................................................................

Got it back again.
Thank goodness...

I suddenly feel embarrassed about my emotional ramblings.

Oh well...

why didn't I listen to my heart?

it spoke to me once
and once again
but I didn’t give it much chance
cos I foolishly trusted my brain

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(the day I lost my favourite silver necklace, a meaningful gift...)

My heart had actually cautioned me.
“Don’t forget” it warned when I hung the necklace over the hanger in the fitting room, only to be dismissed repeatedly by my own over-assurance.

By the time I realized that it was missing, it was hours later when S.H. and I arrived at our old hangout, miles away from the retail store. And naturally, the store was no longer open, with no one to answer my frantic calls.

Sigh… what an ending to a good day.

What are the chances...
but I hope that it's still there waiting to be recovered...

Definitely calling the store the first thing tomorrow….





Listen to:
It Means Nothing by Stereophonics

how do you test fate?

make a choice
narrow the possibilities
wait and see
if it's a hit or miss

.................................................................
(missed and meant to be)

Maybe the formula's unconventional
A split between the rational and irrational

But still it's a conclusion to embrace
Unless fate turns around and looks at me in the face.

*pray

let there be nothing in sight
so I'll sleep soundly at night

just tell me I'm alright

tell me everything's all right

...................................................................
(monday + thursday)

don't know

don’t know why I should
and whether it’d be any good
maybe I could and maybe I would
but why should I even if I could

……………………………………………………………………………
(groggy and caught off guard)

I need to find a reason
To kill this hesitation...

Don’t I?

final decision, finally

if it weren't for my ultimatum
there wouldn't have been
a concrete conclusion

.....................................................................................
(mums are indecisive and tough to please but 'easily threatened')

Leaving for KL next week...

untitled

stop bragging your lack of sleep
cos you're not alone
not alone

how about making worth your keep
cos the truth is
we're alone

alone

......................................................................................

Having to hope to see signs of responsibility...
Isn't that just utterly pathetic?

join the dots

no words capture spurts of emotions...
the only keywords remain singles and orphans...

.......................................................................................................

Remember the childhood activity where you had to draw a line to join numbered dots together in sequence, eventually forming a picture?

Well it feels as though my mind is doing the same thing...

Except...
the dots are words
and they're not numbered in sequence
and the picture's seriously not forming

Yikes!

15 chapters

There's no mistaking the enthusiasm in him.
Expected completion of 15 chapters by June...

That's halfway...

...........................................................................................................
(when determination touched me)

in dread

I should be reading... researching...
but here I am... trying to escape instead

in a futile attempt at daydreaming
cos really, frankly, I'm in dread

and nagged by persistent longing

to simply retire to bed

................................................................................

It's gonna be a busy end of the week...

I'm so craving for ice cream
and a picnic

bring this cynic to the clinic

such a cynical person
needing stronger conviction
and a whole lot more persuasion

what have I become?

...............................................................................
(where's the passion?)

If what's been refused keeps coming back.
Isn't it just too good to be true?

And when it seems nothing else we could do
I can't quite decide
If we're powerful or powerless in what we do

At times I wonder if this is His way of advising me
For the next step to what I should do

dakota

thinking back, thinking of you
summertime, think it was june
yeah think it was june
laying back, head on the grass
chewing gum, having some laughs
yeah having some laughs

you made me feel like the one
you made me feel like the one
the one

drinking back, drinking for two
drinking with you
when drinking was new

sleeping in the back of my car
we never went far
didn't need to go far

you made me feel like the one
you made me feel like the one
the one

I don't know where we are going now

wake up call, coffee and juice
remembering you
what happened to you

I wonder if we'll meet again
and talk about life since then
talk about why did it end

you made me feel like the one
you made me feel like the one
the one

I don't know where we are going now

so take a look at me now

............................................................
(lyrics from Dakota)

it's april :O)



Listen to:
Dakota by Stereophonics

for history's sake

Was looking at the pictures A.T. took today on her birthday... Nice :O) But I guess she was frustrated that no one takes nice photographs of herself. Sigh I totally understand that gripe.

If I ever do get married and have children, what can I ever show my descendants? lol. I mean considering how long I've been around... I really I do not have many nice pictures to show off.

Whatever happened to that period from polytechnic onwards? If not for M.Y, we wouldn't even have any photos to reminisce with.

I tried recalling how many times I have drastically changed my hairstyle but that only left me sighing for not having "document" the change.

But I'm quite happy with some recent photos S.H. took... the night we caught the viciously funny psychological play, "The Pillowman"... the night I felt and dressed girly... the night we walked in circles, lost and hungry... the night we ended up cam whoring in a coffee house. haha...

Pix removed (just what the hell was I thinking?!)

middle

the borders of
understanding and frustration
hope and disappointment
concern and nonchalance
new beginnings and abrupt endings
present and future...

enlarging, enlarging
with every beat of the heart

narrowing, narrowing
closing in to the centre

suffocating, suffocating
what's in the middle, the very core...

myself

.................................................................................
("middle" should be my middle name)

It's challengingly tricky to master how to gauge
the healthy required intensity and frequency of "thinking for oneself"

message on the moon

if hearts could ever
I swear I felt mine
smile...

when I looked up at the sky
above the streets of Saigon

..........................................................................
(the night I saw a message on the moon)

no matter near or far
take heart that we're looking at the same moon