unconscious

the words became
but mere sounds

my mind was drawn
into the abyss

falling...
falling in deep

and the rest of the world
just lost me

..................................................................

Sometimes it's hard to break free
from your own thoughts

I just wanna be happy and in peace.

And while I'm surrounded by people I love
I know I need to make a conscious effort

To feel free...

To feel happy.

And that would include staying away from people who make you feel otherwise.

thank you

With so many things that have been happening to me and the people around me, I have also discovered that I'm very much surrounded by a lot of love.

This is definitely a year to remember...
A year where friendships are strengthened.

And I finally received news from an old time friend, L.M. this morning.

:O)

last words

please respect me and my religion

………………………………………………………………………………….
(20 June 08: Y.T’s unwelcomed visit. Entry 3)

And as we walked away in disgust
Whatever little respect we had left for you

Just crumbled into dust

mister stranger

mister stranger
just who the hell are you?

do you think you know enough?
do you really know whom you’re representing?
do you even know what it is you’re saying?

cos it doesn’t seem like it…

not at all.

………………………………………………………………………………….
(20 June 08: Y.T’s unwelcomed visit. entry 2)

Harassment...
Camouflaged as a visit.

Intimidation...
Masked as advice.

So you were hiding behind your parents
And a stranger...
With your pathetic display of cowardice
With your head hung low…

You really ought to quit your disguise now
Cos we’ve seen all of your true identity

And really, we’ve had enough.

ambushed at my door

I hated myself
for feeling so cornered
as I stood there
obviously outnumbered

I hated myself
for feeling so vulnerable
as I feared the worst
of the possible

at my very door

………………………………………………………………………………….
(20 June 08: Y.T’s unwelcomed visit. entry 1)

I have every right to protect my parents.
I have every reason to choose what they need or need not know.

And you knew.

You were very well aware
Of my situation
And of my mum who's due for surgery

But still you arrived at my doorstep
With your blind convoy
Unannounced
Unwelcomed
Holding me hostage by my fear of the unwanted.

It was downright despicable.

What right or reason have you to do what you did?

one step at a time

It feels good to finally be able to release.
It feels even better to know you're not alone.

..........................................................................
(C.F: it's ok)

One step at a time...
The words were simple.
But that very moment
I knew in my heart

They would lead to forever.

Thank you.

respect. learn it, then earn it.

I do not need a non-believer to preach to me about God.

If you can't respect others nor their religion
How and why would they ever respect you?

Respect is something one must earn.

But I think it's a concept beyond your understanding.

Pity.

dummy's guide to detachment

hardshell: I think if I ever die young its due to emotional stress
S.H: no one dies of a broken heart and neither will you die from stress
S.H: take a step back babe... you have to control it yourself
S.H: maybe I'm better at detaching but its important to learn to detach at times to protect yourself
hardshell: yea how to do that
S.H: i dunno how to tell you how to do it
S.H: step by step instructions? heh
hardshell: lol... yea
hardshell: dummy's guide
S.H: dummy's guide to detachment... no quick way babe
S.H: you just learn over time from your mistakes from the hurt of caring too much. Side effects are not positive and possibly lasting. So proceed with caution
S.H: :)

to see to learn to remember

You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships,
until both have been tested by adversity.

The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination
Harvard University Commencement Address
J.K. Rowling

........................................................................................................

S.H: so that’s the silver lining in all of this :)
S.H: good one
hardshell: she's good huh
S.H: yea
hardshell: well when I first read it the last time it didn’t affect me as much
S.H: i feel like stealing tat
hardshell: lol... don’t you? I’m blogging that. But you know... while it’s true... it's so hard to see it when you’re in it
S.H: but it’s a good motivation to get you by
hardshell: it takes some time to be able to see, to understand the reason behind all of these and after everything… to remember
S.H: you only remember when the bad part's over
hardshell: uhuh… but well... the bad part's not over for me… well at least not yet. It’s so tough to be strong, so tough to be weak but it hurts all e same...
S.H: you'll get better babe. you know you will
hardshell: :O) thx

........................................................................................................

My heart has started to ease a little since last night.
And I could breathe a little more.
Though there's still a lil tension in the pit of my heart

I know now I need to focus.
Focus on not breathing in the bitterness in the air.
Focus on not absorbing the negativity.
Focus on not feeling the hurt.
Focus on thinking objectively
All for the good of my heart.

Cos sometimes you really need to listen to your brain just so your heart can live on.



Listen to
Breaking My Heart by Aqualung

my failing heart

it's bad enough that this is not
the place and time to show

but the worst thing has got
to be not being able to know

how to make it feel better

......................................................................

"This year would be a year to remember."
Such was my intuition early this year

And so...
One after another
after another
after another

Seems to me that He is testing me more than ever...

It's here again...

That feeling of being unable to breathe.

But I learnt that even if you can't breathe, you can still cry...

don't
know
why...

but
I've
been
hav-
ing

trou-
ble

breath-
ing

to-
day.

melancholic well wishes

Y.W. wants to leave for Morocco...
C.F. wants to leave for Perth...
S.H. wants to leave for Bangkok...

I'm happy
honestly...
I really am

but I can't deny that
all these talk of leaving the city
is leaving me

feeling rather lonely

...

breath of fresh air

when time can only whizz you by
the heart can only wither and die
until it's given a lil tender care
in a single breath of fresh air

..........................................................................
(05 June 08: the photoshoot that revived me a little)

I've been efficient
But sadly mechanical
So it was a much needed rejuvenation
For the jaded and cynical

m.y. - the culprit

M.Y: we are close friends. I always talk to him over the phone till 5am. As u know I DON'T TALK OVER THE PHONE – he’s the only one
M.Y: maybe we have lots to complain
hardshell: YES, u know... I DON’T talk over e phone too
hardshell: I think its your influence
M.Y: heyhey
M.Y: where got my business
hardshell: from poly! Serious… last time W.L and I always chatted over the phone but since poly I became lazy
hardshell: I am officially someone who doesn’t chat on phone now because of you
M.Y: lol. I think its the technology. I prefer msn
hardshell: same here
M.Y: I can convey better when I type out
hardshell: but nothing beats meeting in person

.......................................................................................

It finally dawned on me
why I am the way I am now

Lol!

bookmarked

This entry is to remind myself of the esp-charged dream I had last week.

Afraid I can't write about it the way I always do cos while it had come true a couple of days later, I'm afraid of jinxing it.

Nevertheless, congrats to all parties involved.

:O)

thought for the day

“Most of online relationships face a dead end sooner or later.” (Yes / No)

I almost submitted my opinion on iThink until I remembered that a good friend of mine in the same network is involved in an online relationship. All this while, I have sincerely been hoping that hers is one of the exceptional few that will last, so never mind that my answer would only be my individual opinion, I just decided not to jinx it by publishing it.

Y.W. has always worried me with her lack of decisiveness all these years, in both career and relationships. So I’d like to think that I’m making a conscious effort to support her, now that she’s finally focused herself to pursue something so surely, even if it is out of the ordinary, even if it is all for the sake of love.

If normal relationships are hard work, online relationships require twice the effort. Just the other day I was reminded of the ‘danger’ of msn conversations. R.V. was seeking my permission to download something in my office for a while. So I asked, “What download?” to which he typed a curt “Never mind”. I wouldn’t have known that something was wrong till we met. He questioned why I was so fierce to him. I was shocked of course, but explained that I was merely checking to see what applications he required to use, and if he could open them using a macintosh. I think he then felt both silly and bad for misjudging me that for the rest of the night, each time I leapt from one topic to another, he’d ask me curiously, “Why the sudden thought of that?” and I found myself having to describe my train of thought. I never realised I appeared so random to friends, but anyway, my point is, it’s easy to have misunderstandings when you’re conversing online cos you tend to lose all the nuances.

And if that could happen when you’re talking to a local friend online, whom you can still meet up to chat and iron out misunderstandings, imagine how frustrating it’ll be when you’re having a long-distance, online relationship.

I’ve always admired Y.W’s patience and thirst to learn new things. In fact, there are many things that she inspires me in… so as much as I’m happy that she’s happy, my heart feels heavy each time I think that she might be staying miles away from me in future. I guess I’m afraid to lose a good friend. I’d know - I lost L.M. when she left for the U.S. Sometimes I look back and think that I did not put in enough effort in the relationship. Though we're hours apart, we could’ve arranged an exclusive chat date and time – but we never did.

But it takes two hands to clap. Just a few weeks ago, I spotted E.V’s nick… something along the lines of “I have so many on my msn list, but it’s sad that I seldom chat with most of them”. I think it’s somewhat true. We somehow have this perception that if we have someone on our list, that person is somewhat closer. But is that the truth?

A few months back, I messaged an ex-classmate via Friendster. Reason? He lives just above me but I hadn’t met him for ages. You’d think that we’d bump into each other often, but in the whole of the last eight years we probably bumped into each other maybe about three times only! I wondered if he had moved so I left him a message. He replied that he has moved, but only to a neighbouring block and asked me to add him on msn. So I did. But each time I messaged him, he’d take awfully long to reply. So I figured the times were never right since we’re all busy at work in the day but after trying a few times to no avail, I gave up. It’s too tiring. I told myself that since he was the one who initiated this, I shall wait till the next time he messages me. And if he does, I’ll put in more effort. But of course that never happened.

So with all these ‘case-studies’ in my head and determination to hold on to our friendship, I told Y.W that we shall continue our coffee dates, via video skype if we had to. But for now, more ‘live’ ones cos I don’t want to regret not spending enough time with her the very day she leaves Singapore.