I think I'm flying

I feel happy...
the wind in my face
a skip in my step
the spunk of arctic monkeys within me

I feel pretty...
the glow of the day
shimmer round my eyes
the brush of soft fabric against my skin

I feel free...

...........................................................
Things are going well. it's a wonderful day.
And to end off the day, I'll be watching a play...
it's gonna be a wonderful day.

Current Favourite song:
Blue Light by Bloc Party

hit by a happy meteor

Read the horoscope today...
"Sagittarius: Stop hiding out and face up to whatever needs to be addressed. You cant possibly move forward until you tie up loose ends and rid yourself of the things that are holding you back."

How apt, considering my 'unloading' the past few weeks. And I actually... I AM feeling better. Never mind the overnight stress, rush and sleep deprivation, I don't know what's gotten into me but I am feeling happy.

when the sun goes down

when the sun goes down
it'll be the beginning of my favourite time of the year
the time I feel peace and calm
the month I wished would go on forever

.......................................................................................
Today also marks the end of my diary entries to an old unhappy phase.
I know it's simple, but I feel accomplished.

Listen to
When the Sun Goes Down by Arctic Monkeys

which will you see?

won't you see what I do
not what I can't do
cos that's what I choose to do
I love you for you

....................................................................
If we're gonna give this another go,
I suggest we take it slow.
I think of ST, his heart, how it's much bigger
Though different, yet easily accepting of another
So why is it so hard for us to work this together?
Let's stop being critical but more accepting of each other...

the sun's shining on me

the past nights have been
like a page out of a book on astronomy
love stories, the stars were sharin'
it seemed that way, if they could speak to me

now I'm back in my own city
and tho I miss the sand and the sea
I can't help but notice the sun's shining on me
it's lovely how beautiful life can be

................................................................
(entry: 1st day back in singapore)

Time to start afresh.

emotion - my strength, my weakness

i felt myself consumed from within
by the flame of anger and frustration
it's time I rip open the seams
tear the binding threads of emotions

..........................................................................................
(Entry on 24 Aug 2006:
the day I vowed to liberate myself from ripping emotions.
the day I requested to cease my dependence on medication)

God, I know that I can't control everything. But I need to control my emotions, cos that equates to protecting myself. Why should I hang on to the people I believed in when it's so easy for them to sever things?
Only if they return to me, then I'll know it's meant to be.

God, I know that I can't help everyone. And if there's anything I've learnt, it's that I won't be able to help anyone if I don't help myself first. I know I'll have to work hard at nursing my heart.
So I can do the same things I've been doing before, and better.

I must be strong

work's saturated
I'm physically drained
mind's constipated
I'm mentally drained
heart's frustrated
I'm emotionally drained

but I have to be strong
I need to be strong
gonna have to be strong
yes I must be strong

........................................................................
There couldn't have been a worse time... Having to battle the urge to cut myself from work, friends and family.
G needs me. JC's not here and I know AT looks upon me as the only pillar left after YT.
A pillar... I feel like a pillar that might crumble at a touch.

(I struggled to pick up the pieces since you uttered those words)

won't you walk beside me?

can't you feel my faith and understand
walk beside me and hold my hand

the future may be uncertain
but passion spurs my journey
I look ahead to the horizon
where my vision awaits me

can't you share my dreams and understand
walk beside me and squeeze my hand

why can't we face things come what may
rather than walk our separate ways

.................................................................................
(entry 2 on that night)

Lying in my bed, I pondered on the beauty of "us".
What had made us so strong?
We understood the importance of individuality.
Freedom. Growth. Exploration. Passion...
How it contributes to a bigger picture of a healthier "us"

But what has made us lose that strength?
Do you truly believe that it could only come down to this -
me choosing between my passion and you?

the night you chose to walk the other way

through narrow paths, by your side I have been
so you'd never imagine... i can't even begin
to describe how my heart breaks when you said
you'd like to walk the other way

................................................................................
(entry 1 on that night... the night you chose to walk the other way)

won't you understand?

said I can't promise, will try if I can
am doing my best but it all depends
we're now one man down, won't you understand
and I'm only human, I've only two hands

...........................................................................................
JC's hospitalised. Work's a mad rush.
There's only one me. I can't be in two places at the same time.
Everyone... everything vying for a piece of my attention.
At this rate, maybe I'll split.
So I really, really, really need you to understand.

rediscovered the elixir to my weary soul

there we sat in calm silence
sieving through the box of history
reading through pages of your diary
it felt magical, the experience

remembering delightful pieces of you
discovering treasured thoughts of me
reminiscing our journey fondly
rejuvenated - I feel fresh, I feel new

.....................................................
I love you

it's all i could say

I know it looked so wrong
walking with another yesterday
having avoided you all day long
but my conscience's clear, it's all i could say

I wanted to run away
desperately needed time away
wasn't myself to act that way
but it's the truth, it's all i could say

.......................................................
the morning after that sleepless sunday

easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb

oh how I had been so certain
but this new wound inflicted
refuses old scars to stay hidden
once again I feel conflicted

"just washing it aside
all of the helplessness inside
pretending I don't feel misplaced
it's so much simpler than change"

.................................................
I hear you chester, your voice drifting me
the lyrics resonate with me.
Listen to
Easier to Run by Linkin Park

thank you morrie

I've always been sure
that I love no other
but debate's now over
no more need to ponder
for this time I'm sure
we should stay together

.................................................
I love you with all my heart, never once fallen for another.
But have you changed? I wondered. I feared. The 'tension of opposites'...

"But Love solves everything", Morrie said. "Love each other or perish (W.H Auden)"
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

paralysis of the mind

a tiny whisper knifed through my head
a lightning moment, yet leaving me weak
for what felt like an eternity

.....................................................................
The debate of the mind and heart... I can't quite decipher.
Or do I refuse to?

from the corner of my eyes

it's been years since I've seen those eyes
yet I never failed to recognise
that same look, today, they greeted me
those green eyes, they bored into me
though never committing an offence
I stood there, gazing elsewhere in pretense

..................................................................
I wondered what ran through her mind as she stared at me. I recalled the things she did, the things she called me, "A hindrance to her ambitions of schoolgirl fame. A distraction to her objects of affection".

It's been 14 years, and I decided I truly couldn't be bothered at all.

I can't sleep

the fifth opinion that I'm seeking
what is this I'm experiencing
if it doesn't run in my family
neither mother nor sister but me

anxious, what news await me tomorrow
so could you not add to my sorrow
asking if I could bear kids in future
don't you think I'd be the first to wonder?

...................................................................................
Doctor said I shouldn't worry. Give it time and it'll be regular, normal - that was ten years ago. Each effort to make it right proved only temporary, later rendering me weak and vulnerable. I'm sick of medication. But I guess there's no other way. Now I'm under observation... discreetly. I wouldn't want my family to worry. But yea, at least I tried.

I know you love children. Well, so do I. So if you'd please, don't hurt me anymore with your questions.

the sun didn't shine on me today

will you lay by my side
lend your shoulder for the night
so I may welcome the stars tonight

....................................................
I wasn't seeking for a solution.
Only your undivided attention.
Listen.
Will you?

make this wound disappear... leave no scars behind...

As much as I'd like my recollection or "release" to be in chronological order, I can't help what I'm feeling today. As I stood deciding on my bracelet for the day, scenes of the incident flashed past me.

I've forgiven you. But why is it so hard to forget?
...............................................................

God,
please let me forget
the force of his hand on my wrist
the string of beads limp in his fist

please let me forget
who he was in that split second
the look in his eyes that moment

but God,
I know I'll never forget
my own regrets
for not picking up the pieces
of the bracelet...
a gift from mother

searching my soul

tension I couldn't utter
emotions I couldn't conquer
questions I couldn't answer

have I been closing an eye... an ear
to something that may be so clear
have I been denying... justifying
just so I could hang on to the familiar

searching my soul...

will i find you there?

........................................................................
if there's no room for me on your shoulder, are we truly meant for each other?

heart in my tummy

many a time my heart rose
wishing time ran much faster
the week to end much sooner
so early it'll come to meet each other

but when it comes,
and if it comes
my heart sinks
wishing it were much easier
the day to be much simpler
but sadly it sinks lower and deeper
all hopes of joy disappears

....................................................................................................

Hope, I still do... may we rediscover those happy times we shared.

revelation

You wonder. You think. You assume. You still have no inkling as to how I feel when "we" go wrong...
............................................................................................................................

heavy...

encased in a hard shell
protected it should be
safe it should feel
unaffected it must be
but a tiny vein of crack
betrays everything that should
denies everything that must be
and reveals the only thing it truly is...

my fragile heart

drop the sandbags so I can fly higher...

I truly believed I was alright. Till I unconsciously revealed the inner thoughts in me to another. "My alter ego gets carried away sometimes", has always been my convenient excuse each time I made such a mistake.

But more concerned than impressed, a fren asked, "Do you truly believe your heart and mind has the strength and capacity to store the emotional stories you've written mentally?"

I paused. "I do write them down... sometimes. But many a time the entire writing process proved to be too emotional for me to handle. There's something about writing in a book and seeing, in front of your very eyes, the letters, being handwritten to form words that only served to add gravity to how I feel."

"What makes you think that by keeping them to yourself, you're not weighing yourself down?"

.................................................................................................................................
g3 babe, I'm sure you'll be happy to know I'm giving blogging a chance. Back from my short trip, I shall take my time to release all the "months worth of diary entries in my head" - words that I strung up mentally on my bus journeys... and slowly revisit my scribbles on scraps of papers.

Perhaps this will untangle all the knots in my heart and mind...