give me a happy song

my anger,
bristling at everything wrong
my heart,
palpitating, beating strong

I need a song...
a song...

a real perk-me-up happy song...

undiscovered

choosing a road less travelled
assuring myself that I'm not lost

just my talent undiscovered

searching deep within myself
convincing hard that I'm not lost

but my love's still undiscovered

...............................................................................
(same song... different times, different interpretations)

I'm not lost...
not lost...
just undiscovered

so time will never stop
but will it at least slow down...
will it give me a chance...

to discover love again?



Listen to:
Undiscovered by James Morrison

cleared

When I learnt from a friend that he had been in touch with an common friend via msn, I was really pissed. Reason being I hadn't seen him online for ages! "How could he block me?" I thought. We went such a long way back.

I was trying to justify things, thinking that there was probably a discrepancy whenever I updated my adium to the latest version (I'm not using msn) when memories flooded back to me...

Well... okay honestly, I hadn't actually been very nice to him. In fact, I think if I was anything at all, in the last of our communication, I had been sarcastic and cruel to him. I don't know why really... We used to get along real well... We could talk about anything under the sun... so much so that I knew him through and through...

I think he kinda hated me for having known him too well, how I would mercilessly blow his cover each time he put on that "know-it-all" persona, especially if it was of something he wasn't sure of. Yet he was fond of me... I never understood why... and today, it still escapes me why he never gave up during those few years...

He held face value of high importance... he would be cool in my presence yet would proclaim and blabber about his feelings for me to everyone else... it was therefore hard to trust him completely... yet deep down, I knew, that even with all his grandeur crap, his feelings for me had been truly genuine.

I wanted to keep the friendship going by shrugging it off but it came to a point where the whole world was teasing me about it and things became painfully awkward. Then came the ultimatum. He hated my choice, and things never quite remained the same ever since. I simply hated how his ugly, condescending side started to show and hence would instinctively hurt him with my words. I guess it was really unnecessary on my part. But it's all been done. I could never undo them, or so I thought.

Few days later, I received a message from him. I then realised it was probably due to some bug in adium that caused me to miss a notification when he changed his passport a long time ago... well, that sure explained things....

N.K: i guess you didn't see my notification when i changed my msn handle.
hardshell: when did u change?
N.K: quite long ago... i put it up as my display name.
hardshell: I was so certain you blocked me :OP
N.K: it's okay! now it's cleared up. you know I'd never do that to you...

Well I guess things are different now... I don't expect us to be as good friends as we used to. I know I could never undo the things I did or said before, but I guess I can try to make things better now.

I think.

thank you

knowing who's behind me
is what matters truly
much more than any victory
much more than any trophy

............................................................................................
(touched)

It's funny...
Absurd really...
And totally unnecessary...
How I've been bugging others incessantly
reminding them to vote for 'D'

But I was touched tremendously
When I learnt an old friend was rooting for me
He who did not receive the news from me
He who hadn't been in touch with me

:O)

* ting *

upon sharing my discovery
of a lie so unnecessary
only heightened the deceived
only fueled the perceived

thoughts of a friend of minority
out of stereotypicality
whom I’d always believed
slowly lessened the peeved

……………………………………………….……………….
(coincidence)

Once a good friend
then an acquaintance
Appeared in me mentally
Then before me in reality

What a coincidence

inertia

defying positive motion
my mind pauses and turns
and my heart, it mourns
in forlorn disposition
dwelling…
forgetting…
whatever had been sworn

…………………………………………………………………………..
(07.07.07)

I’ve lost my bag and everything else in it…
Though technically, I didn’t lose it…

It was stolen.
But it didn’t matter did it?
I lost it. Period.

Gone were my new micro drive hard disk, keys to office, home and mailbox, business cards and work-related documents. It didn’t help that the bag was the only bag I had bought from my latest trip. And to make matters worse, it also dawned on me that the other things in my bag – ipod nano, a book, light blue pouch, floral satin pouch, woven purple pouch, metal bear key chain, ‘Neji’ (a Character from the Japanese anime, Naruto) key chain, metal boy key chain and hairclip were all special gifts from people who mattered a lot to me. Sigh… so much for trying to let go.

“They’re just things”, I’d psyche myself up. “Be grateful. It could’ve been worse - think about other important things which could have been stolen”.

And yet… at the next moment, my emotions overpower me.

I really, really. really must learn to detach myself from my belongings.

Thank God I had my wallet and both my handphones with me. It had taken me ages to finally get over the loss of my handphone which was a birthday gift, five months ago… I’d just die if they were stolen too.

I totally didn’t need any more heartaches.

And that’s for certain.

vote for 'd'

They say thoughts are prayers....

I'm hoping...
I'm thinking...
really, really hard...

But you can make it possible
by voting...

log on to www.asiaone.com.sg/inkawards




cheers!
:OP

me, myself and I

different sides magnified
there is nothing to hide
cos every single face is I
and why would I ever lie?

why would it be tiring?
it’s not like I’m pretending
every face is and always will be

a different side of me

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

No two persons are the same.
Everyone has a unique set of likes and dislikes.
What A has in common with B, may not necessarily be what A has in common with C. And it’s only natural that when A is with B, A will naturally activate any common interest or characteristic they share… Likewise when A is with C...

So these ‘faces’… aren’t they simply a magnification of a part of oneself, borne from an ability to share different things with different people? What logic equates that to being an act to impress?

I don’t understand. It’s not like it’s a crime… cos there will never exist a person who would be able to actively share, appreciate and enjoy another’s every interest, characteristic and idiosyncrasy – and I really mean every single one of them.

That’s downright impossible.

But if I’m wrong, then show me the person who would understand me through and through, inside and out, in things minor and major; in short, in every single possible thing.

Show me.

it’s not here again... is it?

staring at me in the face
I looked on through with blind eyes
'forgetting' to count the days
yet it nagged me, what belies

………………………………………………................................
(x independent days
x bedridden hours
x more days to the next visit)

My mind refuses to count the days
Of my failed independence
My body loses its resistance
My will and mind, it disobeys

There’s only so much I can ignore
Only so much I can numb
When I can feel the sapping of my energy

God... please don't let it stay...

upsize

I've had like the fourth person whom I've not met for a long time tell me that I have gained weight.

No, no... It does nothing to offend me at all. In fact it's an achievement for me, having been classified as underweight or borderline normal ever since I can remember. My colleague will repeatedly exclaim, "I want to gain weight too!" It's puzzling to us of course, my gain in contrast to her loss, since we're both in the same work environment and undergoing the same stress.

Of course to others who asked me about the difference and had absolutely no inkling of what I had been going through... I'd just go "Happy?" and shrug my shoulders to their nods of approval.

I really had no idea why until I looked through the pictures I had uploaded on friendster. I then realised that each time I felt depressed and wanted to run away, I'd surround myself with the same factors - retail therapy, girlfriends, great conversation and good food.

Now, aren't those just the perfect concoction for weight gain?

*grin*