minutes to a new year

I wish there’s such a thing as ice cream home delivery. I’m sitting at my computer now, settling for the next best thing I could find… cereal with milk.

It’s forty minutes to midnight and I suddenly have the urge to recap 2008 before it’s gone.

In the beginning of the year, I sensed that 2008 would be a year to remember – I didn’t know what or why. And indeed, this year for me had been one filled with tremendously tough choices.

Scanning old entries, I wouldn’t say that the year had been very unkind to me. Rather, it had been partial, ensuring that I experienced a fair share of ups and downs. The scale is equally balanced, I think.

I am blessed that every tear I shed had evaporated in the warmth that surrounded me. With that, I’m happy to say that I am not and will not allow myself to be bitter.

Earlier this year, I had resolved to open my heart to rediscover love, in the little things, in myself for myself. And I believe, to a certain extent, I have achieved that. I have discovered and learnt to love a few things about myself – who I am as a person, what I’m capable of doing (including things I never knew I could) for others and most importantly, myself.

So I say, 2009, bring it on.

:OP

I seem therefore I am

many a time I caught myself shutting out spoken words
but I'm hoping I'd done a good job in pretending to listen

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(on being a host)

I was too preoccupied wishing.
It doesn't help to be in those same places.

But today slightly made my day.
I'm just hoping... hoping
for the best

low tolerance day

I'm beginning to think that I have low tolerance for men.
Dad at his pompous best must be the ultimate. Urgh!

Not a good way to start the day my male cousin is visiting.

a dream awake

I had a dream today. Or rather, it was a series of images for I had them while I was awake. Is it a daydream then? I couldn’t be sure.

A daydream is a visionary fantasy experienced while awake, especially one of happy, pleasant thoughts, hopes or ambitions

- wikipedia

Based on that definition alone, the ‘dream’ I had however, didn’t seem to qualify. I wish I could illustrate the scenes, but I dread drawing humans. So I’ll try my best to illustrate them in words to the best of my memory.

…………………………………….…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….

There stood a girl, all alone, in a dimly lit room. She was drawing on the bare, grey wall with a piece of white chalk. Flowers… the sun… random objects which came to her mind. Once she completed a picture, she rubbed them off with her bare hands. She did not pay much attention to the ray of light that shone momentarily against the wall before she erased her pictures.

She then started writing big bold letterings on the wall… scribbling layers and layers of words determinedly, as though she was releasing her fears, her anger, her disappointment, her heartache. One over the other, till the letterings became indecipherable... till she was exhausted... till she surrendered.

She rested her left cheek on the wall, not caring if the chalk dirtied her face. She stretched out her arms, palms against the wall. And as she hugged the cold concrete, she started to cry.

The ray of light appeared again. But this time it did not escape her eyes. She whirled around to face the window. The louver was slightly opened, allowing the sunlight to enter. Through her teary, squinted eyes, she spotted a silhouette by the window. Then the louver shut close.

She tried to erase the writings on the wall with her damp hands but her attempts proved to be futile. All she managed to do was smudge them. So she gave up.

Drained, she slid her back down against the wall till her bum touched the floor. She sat quietly, tightly hugging her knees and waited. And waited… and waited.

True enough, it happened again. This time, just as the louver was being lifted, she rushed to the window, desperate to see who it was. She was certain she saw that silhouette again. But the moment she reached the window, it was no longer there.

She gazed out between the louvers, wondering how many visits had gone unnoticed before and why they had been made in silence…

“Was there really nothing to say?” she whispered sadly. She looked up and caught her reflection on a louver.

She looked just like me.

sudden inspiration

hardshell: i shld quit it all and be a counselor… ahaha
N.K: waaa... do it!
hardshell: yea den i can charge you for my time ;p
N.K: I’d pay.
hardshell: haha 1 customer’s not gonna make me rich
N.K: I shall spread news of your talents for you. hey, when people find out mr condescending is seeing you, they'll be so interested. ;-p
hardshell: i just saw something and was inspired to make a corny joke
N.K: what, what?
hardshell: hehe
N.K: hey, stop the suspense!
hardshell: but it's really bad hahaha
N.K: I'm used to your corniness, as you are to mine.
hardshell: “with each consultation with me, your condescending value will gradually descend”
N.K: *faint*
N.K: you win.
hardshell: you asked for it
N.K: hahaha! can I print it in my memoirs in 30 years time? If I'm still alive.
hardshell: haha not this!

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(when math meets english in corny corner)

night walk to nowhere

walking away...
I walked...
and walked...
and walked...
and I did not stop
till the hour passed

3:00 a.m.

It was slightly past 3 a.m.

I was switching off my mac when I suddenly heard the sounds of a desperate struggle with a doorknob of a locked door. I stiffened.

“Not again,” I thought in dread. Just last week, at about the same time, I heard the disturbing, continuous cries of a female which sent a shiver down my body to my toes. I never knew where it came from, but I have since conveniently attributed it to a neighbour who frequently gets into quarrels with her husband.

This time, the noise sounded real close, like it was right behind me. I took a deep breath and willed myself to turn around and face my door. I did not blink. Vibrations... sounded as though the door was about to break down. I stared at it as the noise continued.

I stepped closer to my door and once I was certain that the noise wasn’t coming from it, I unlocked it and peeped out. Like thunder breaking the silence of the night, the source was unmistakably clear. It came from the door facing mine – my granny’s room.

True enough, I heard S’s voice asking my granny what was going on. Apparently Granny had woken up to go to the bathroom only to discover to her horror that the doorknob was faulty. Her frantic attempts to open it literally shook the whole door, causing the loud noise and vibrations that I heard.

I rushed over with all the keys I grabbed from the household key holder. None fitted.

“Damn! How could it be?” I didn’t believe that the key to the door wasn’t amongst them even though I had tried every single key. So I tried them all over again just to be sure that I hadn’t missed any. It didn’t help that all the while Granny was panicking behind the door and totally ignoring my instruction to leave the doorknob alone. I was glad S was there to calm her down.

The commotion woke Mum up. As I continued trying the rest of the keys, she groggily scoured the kitchen and found a couple more batches of keys.

A gust of thoughts rushed through my mind when I heard the lock click open.
Thank God, the key was there...
Thank God Mum woke up…
Thank God S sleeps with Granny…

And thank God for my weird sleeping pattern…

..................................................................................................
(21 December 2008)

who's the boss?

promises of rainbow hues
may well woo back those who left you
but you can’t simply retract your words
once they’ve re-entered your world

sometimes it’s not whether you’re the boss
but whether you deserve to be
and before you say you do…

prove it true

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(M.Y: Her story rings a bell)

Kudos to M.Y.

the lightness of being

I float
while I become immersed
in the calmness that buoys me

I lay cushioned
in the absence of time
just drifting, doing nothing

I close my eyes
lulled by my own breathing
and indecipherable distant sounds...

peace

I stretch out my arms
part my legs wide
like a starfish in the sea...

free

I open my eyes
the blue sky in front of me
a cumulus cloud floating by

it's been so long
I had almost forgotten...

bliss

......................................................................................................
Location: Loh Dalum Bay, Phi Phi Island, Krabi

Listen to:
Your own breathing

post november peeks

This November was a month I’ll never forget. My turning 27 was akin to celebrating a grand 21st birthday that I never had.

It was a month-long celebration full of treats and pampering… (well-deserved I thought after a very crazy October – hell, it was one crazy year!). It’s no wonder I was happy even before the actual day haha.

I think of the wish I’m entitled to every year. I’ve always wished for one thing. To always remember and be remembered.

Thank you all my loved ones for being there and always remembering me.
*hugs and pinches

Here’s my miscellaneous picks for November:

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melamine? no it's not from china...
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work
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itadakimas!
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we will guard your moisturised feet after the spa. meow
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new toy
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pink feet
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keyword: round
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birthday trip
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new reads
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death

I thought about death a lot during the last two weeks of November.

Don’t ask me why. But it made me wonder if they were the same thoughts Dad had when he was much younger. When my siblings and I were babies, Dad had never carried us. Not once, mum said.

“I truly believed that I would die young and I wanted to spare all of you the heartache of losing someone,” he told me once when I was much older. He didn’t say anything more, but I understood then how he wanted to protect us from the hurt he once experienced when he lost his own father at a very young age.

Perhaps my feelings of death were planted by international news that rung of the world's end. Poisonous jellyfish in Phi Phi, floods in Vietnam, travel warnings in Bali and Sri Lanka, riots in Bangkok, terror attacks in Mumbai… all happening in November alone.

I don’t think I ever dreamt of death in those weeks. I just felt it.
A relation.
Between death and myself.

Is it an omen? Or hint of a new beginning?

*shrugs... Well only time will tell.