in her shoes

I may not know him enough
but I can't get him out of my head
far too long my heart's in bluff
time to put it to end instead

I may be hoping for a beginning
but what I truly need is a conclusion
so let's arrange this meeting

one without any obligations

..............................................................................................
(A.A: seeking a conclusion, even if it is the last)

I wondered if it was the power of love...
but you can't love a person without knowing and accepting his flaws...

"She does not love him. She loves the idea of being in love with him", N.K offered.

And I love the idea of them meeting up finally.
I can't deny that. I can't stand her waiting any longer.
To be thinking of someone for so long, unable to get past him and yet not being able to do anything about it...
She doesn't even know the guy well, they're not even in touch, for goodness sakes.
And she isn't even sure if he's attached...

I guess to have her thinking of him for so long... he must be a real special guy.
N.K said, "yes. but he's all the more special because she got to paint him in the colours of her mind. Nothing could make it that ugly. so it gets to a point where she has to recycle that image in the absence of a real person. Like when you read a book. isn't it always more fascinating than the movie that might come of it?"

"You were hurrying it... even meeting him, and having a positive outcome, is about letting go. Your advice was not bad. it's what any friend would say, really."

Feeling guilty and worried is absolutely NOT how I wanted to end the year...
Then why am I so worried?
I guess maybe it's cos I realised...
I feared too much that she would silent her heart that I had solely put myself in her shoes...

but then...
I totally forgot to put myself in his.

I'm trying to believe that if I were him I would just meet her.
But then again... humans need reasons for everything.

Don't they?

show me the way

I used to think that
everything else was in the way of what I wanted to do...

but at this moment...
I'm kinda thinking that
maybe what I'm doing is in the way of everything else



Listen to:
Buried Alive by Alter Bridge

what am I doing here?

this should've been over
but it's still here
I shouldn't even be here
but I'm still here
still right here...

alone

.............................................................................................
(hungry... tired... but still waiting)

Humans are funny.

We wonder if others miss us in our absence...
We wonder if we could do more to help when something happens...
We wonder if we're worth more than what we think of ourselves.

But when everything clamours for our attention...
when responsibilities start weighing heavily on us...
when everyone else needs us...

We just wanna get away from it all.

Or maybe it's simply me.

tenth day of the twelfth month

sacrifice

Function: verb

transitive verb 1 : to offer as a sacrifice 2 : to suffer loss of, give up, renounce, injure, or destroy especially for an ideal, belief, or end

..............................................................................................................................
(tenth day of the twelfth month: twenty-secondth day of twenty-sixth year)

There I was, trying to recall anything that I've done in my entire life that I could nobly count as a sacrifice. And you know... I can't think of anything.

Well... there had been moments in my life when I felt hurt or even angry with myself and my circumstances for having had to do something. Even if I knew at that instance that my action or decision would be for the better.

What IS "sacrifice" and what IS one's "sacrifice threshold"?
I had always believed it's okay to sacrifice one's wants, just as long as it does not eat into one's own needs. After all, needs are the bare minimum...

But then again, what ARE our needs and WHO determines these?
Ourselves?
The human race?

So the one or two "sacrifices" I thought of...
they all paled miserably in comparison to what today is meant to commemorate.

Sacrifices... no matter how noble, sometimes it's tough to look at the bigger picture when you're struggling with your own emotions... The struggle to carry out what we think is right.

Sometimes it could hurt real bad when you can't have something that you THINK you need...

But I guess...
as long as you have something to keep you going...
to keep your heart beating...

That's the one and only thing you'll ever need...

True faith.



And with that, I thank Him for having granted me twenty six years and twenty-two days...

blown away

wouldn't have imagined
even if I tried to
for the image wouldn't come to play

couldn't have lied
even if I wanted to
for my eyes had given me away

and right then and there...

it just blew me away

.....................................................................................................................
(entry 2: 28 november 2007)

I've always relished a good surprise...
Just plain old simple unexpectedness...

But this...
it definitely had me...

Thank you.


(8.o)
(S.T, J.F, L.E, R.R, S.H, Y.W, T.T, E.Z, H.L, Y.Y, A.T, Y.T, M.Y, L.Y, A.L, V.R, M, B, SIL, S, BIL, SPS, BB, R.V, S.S)

annual entitlement

I'll never know
what the future holds for me
but now, deep down, I know
what I wish for me

.................................................................................................
(entry 1: 28 November 2007)

I think of the wish I'm entitled to each year...

I hope He hears me.

.................................................................................................

I was speechless when asked to announce my wish.
I was supposed to have made three wishes and announced one of them...

But I had made only one...

Three times.

woozy weekend

like balancing a rock on my head
and hardly even doing it well
like this body's just a puppet
that's dragging its feet in a spell

...........................................................................................
(after the druggy nap, yet not feeling better. at all)

Sometimes I feel hot...
sometimes I feel cold...
and at the moment?
I'm oddly feeling neither...

My body feels separated
from my brain
yet both feel woozy
in their own unique ways

Body? Brain?
Where's the teamwork?
C'mon now work together
so we'd all feel a lot better

Hell...
I think the flu's making me insane...


Listen to:
Just Feel Better by Santana feat. Steve Tyler

rest in peace

hardshell: how was B's birthday?
K.Z: i have something to tell u... i din really celebrate this yr
hardshell: tell me? what?
hardshell: tell me...
hardshell: ??
K.Z: I'm pregnant!
hardshell: HAHA! I KNEW IT! *applause!*
K.Z: no fun one u... how did you know?
hardshell: just a gut... i wanted to guess dat. but scared its something bad ;O)
K.Z: :O)

...........................................................................................
(the day worry left me)

Finally...
I can rest in peace now...
cos that dream of death...
it truly was a sign of a new beginning.

Thank You.

:O)

poetry in a dream

As I stepped out of the car, I couldn't help but notice how special the night was.

"I love old estates," I thought to myself as I breathed in deeply. Something about the air... the night sky... it was peaceful and calm. The roads across were quiet. Even the community club opposite looked quaint, somehow.

I stood in the middle of the carpark and faced the block where my step-aunt stays. I tried to recall the last time I was there. Maybe because it had been during the day, and it never occurred to me how different the place had become with the departure of the "golden arches". Gone were the aroma of the tantalising fries. In replacement was a simple, low-profile coffee shop.

I looked up to see my step-aunt's house. The next thing I knew, I was in her home, with the rest of my family. And suddenly, we were out in the corridor, looking down at one of the units below that had caught fire.

Flames were spreading wildly and smoke was billowing everywhere. We wasted no time to make our way down the stairs. When we reached the ground floor, it suddenly started pouring. Heavily.

I remember feeling cold and hugging myself. Then amidst all the chaos, my eyes darted to someone who seemed unbothered by all the noise.

There he stood, holding an umbrella, looking at me...

He was waiting for me.

....................................................................................
(dream: 2nd week of the 10th month)

pohnk

Imagine my horror to find that my pillows have been inferiorly replaced. Fine, perhaps no one else can truly fathom how I felt. But returning home to a different set of pillows wasn't exactly my idea of a "welcome home" surprise.

I only had two pillows all along, so why is there a third? There they were... the damn, limp impostors, filling in my pillow cases. I panicked and touched to feel for "pohnk"...

"He'd better be here," I whispered to myself.

A sigh of relief escaped from my lips the moment my hand came into contact with my favourite bouncy pillow. I pulled him away from the other two which did not belong and gave him a real tight squeeze. I couldn't help but feel comforted by his fluffiness that felt "just right".

Gee I'm suddenly noticing the similarity with little Goldilocks here, heh.

...................................................................................

As strange as it may sound, a pillow to me, is something personal...
And to me, "pohnk" is my sidekick...
Keeping me company in my dreams...

And did I mention that I hate it when others change/replace/dispose my belongings without my permission?

stealing time

Don't you just wish there's more than 24 hours in a day?

Although...
I wonder if that came true, would my life be more fulfilling?

Here I am stealing time...
Been storing entries in my head...

Hopefully I have time to write when I return next week.



Listen to
Starlight by Muse