winds of fate

unsuspecting gusts in my daze
flipping pages that I turned over
the words, they stare me in the face
the stories, in my mind they hover

...................................................................................................

I am haunted.
Unexpectedly but surely.

I am drained.
It's the last month of my independence.
Have I failed?
I wait in dread for next month.

I am reminded of my declaration.
The vows of liberation and independence confront me.
And all these months, I've never felt so defeated.

soft surrender

if love is lost, left us deserted
the ticking clock left us defeated
would we cower under pressure
and wave the flag of soft surrender?

.....................................................................
(SH. entry: the day she declares resignation from faith)

Someone once told me...
No one has the right to change you.
Until you give them the right to.


Listen to
Soft Surrender by The Killers

my heart, it swayed, but refused to stay...

I had believed that I found a reason
for my heart to give trust a chance again
but a diet of justification
will only feed a growing kindred strain

................................................................................
(LMK, HS1. Almost a month since the wedding)

Motives.
They sicken me.

a commitment to give

between conversations, explorations and revelations
in times when quarrels inevitably happen
sometimes what we truly need more than affection
is really just a little accommodation

..................................................................................
(entry 2. Never meant to be condescending)

Understanding what each other's thoughts and needs are...
It's all about balance.
About being the pillar of strength when the other is weak.
About giving what the other is needing.

I know that if I can't be...
If I can't give...
It's pointless to commit to something I can't deliver.

making amends - unexpected, unrequired...

though most anger has dissipated
hypocrisy still keeps me haunted
a meaningful friendship once tainted
my heart remains forever guarded

...........................................................................................
(entry 1. when apologies are sufficient)

Friendship...
It's about...
Never having to be wary
Never having to tread cautiously
Never fearing to feel pain
And most importantly...
It's never hoping for the other to falter.

Sometimes, somehow, my effective memory seems to work against me.
Especially when forgetting is a lot harder than forgiving.

something extra needed

sharing love to each uniquely
has turned out quite contrary
losing its exclusivity
special's turned quite ordinary

......................................................................................
(the day I understood my weakness)

A primary personal mission could make everything else seem secondary.
Unintentionally maybe.
But unmistakably definite.

what difference is today?

when today comes after yesterday
and yesterday was in fact last year
then today's unlike any given day
today's the day unfulfillment reappears

................................................................................................
(entry on 1 January 2007)

Unfulfillment...
Greets me annually.
As I review the loss, the forgotten and the outstanding of yesteryear, a sense of unfulfillment reappears. Makes me wonder if my thirst is too much for my throat... if my hunger too large for my stomach...

Resolutions...
Synonymous with every new year.
Nudges me to pen my long list of to-do's. Yet I have not. Though I must admit there have been random whispers of self-promises in my head.

My refusal for writing is perhaps due to my fear of casting them in stone... only to have them confront me next year, should I break the very promises I had made to myself.

Having said that, I am truly grateful for all the blessings, the acknowledgements and the accomplishments of yesteryear.

With that, I'd like to welcome you, 2007.

Listen to:
Next Year by Jamie Cullum