in her shoes

I may not know him enough
but I can't get him out of my head
far too long my heart's in bluff
time to put it to end instead

I may be hoping for a beginning
but what I truly need is a conclusion
so let's arrange this meeting

one without any obligations

..............................................................................................
(A.A: seeking a conclusion, even if it is the last)

I wondered if it was the power of love...
but you can't love a person without knowing and accepting his flaws...

"She does not love him. She loves the idea of being in love with him", N.K offered.

And I love the idea of them meeting up finally.
I can't deny that. I can't stand her waiting any longer.
To be thinking of someone for so long, unable to get past him and yet not being able to do anything about it...
She doesn't even know the guy well, they're not even in touch, for goodness sakes.
And she isn't even sure if he's attached...

I guess to have her thinking of him for so long... he must be a real special guy.
N.K said, "yes. but he's all the more special because she got to paint him in the colours of her mind. Nothing could make it that ugly. so it gets to a point where she has to recycle that image in the absence of a real person. Like when you read a book. isn't it always more fascinating than the movie that might come of it?"

"You were hurrying it... even meeting him, and having a positive outcome, is about letting go. Your advice was not bad. it's what any friend would say, really."

Feeling guilty and worried is absolutely NOT how I wanted to end the year...
Then why am I so worried?
I guess maybe it's cos I realised...
I feared too much that she would silent her heart that I had solely put myself in her shoes...

but then...
I totally forgot to put myself in his.

I'm trying to believe that if I were him I would just meet her.
But then again... humans need reasons for everything.

Don't they?

show me the way

I used to think that
everything else was in the way of what I wanted to do...

but at this moment...
I'm kinda thinking that
maybe what I'm doing is in the way of everything else



Listen to:
Buried Alive by Alter Bridge

what am I doing here?

this should've been over
but it's still here
I shouldn't even be here
but I'm still here
still right here...

alone

.............................................................................................
(hungry... tired... but still waiting)

Humans are funny.

We wonder if others miss us in our absence...
We wonder if we could do more to help when something happens...
We wonder if we're worth more than what we think of ourselves.

But when everything clamours for our attention...
when responsibilities start weighing heavily on us...
when everyone else needs us...

We just wanna get away from it all.

Or maybe it's simply me.

tenth day of the twelfth month

sacrifice

Function: verb

transitive verb 1 : to offer as a sacrifice 2 : to suffer loss of, give up, renounce, injure, or destroy especially for an ideal, belief, or end

..............................................................................................................................
(tenth day of the twelfth month: twenty-secondth day of twenty-sixth year)

There I was, trying to recall anything that I've done in my entire life that I could nobly count as a sacrifice. And you know... I can't think of anything.

Well... there had been moments in my life when I felt hurt or even angry with myself and my circumstances for having had to do something. Even if I knew at that instance that my action or decision would be for the better.

What IS "sacrifice" and what IS one's "sacrifice threshold"?
I had always believed it's okay to sacrifice one's wants, just as long as it does not eat into one's own needs. After all, needs are the bare minimum...

But then again, what ARE our needs and WHO determines these?
Ourselves?
The human race?

So the one or two "sacrifices" I thought of...
they all paled miserably in comparison to what today is meant to commemorate.

Sacrifices... no matter how noble, sometimes it's tough to look at the bigger picture when you're struggling with your own emotions... The struggle to carry out what we think is right.

Sometimes it could hurt real bad when you can't have something that you THINK you need...

But I guess...
as long as you have something to keep you going...
to keep your heart beating...

That's the one and only thing you'll ever need...

True faith.



And with that, I thank Him for having granted me twenty six years and twenty-two days...

blown away

wouldn't have imagined
even if I tried to
for the image wouldn't come to play

couldn't have lied
even if I wanted to
for my eyes had given me away

and right then and there...

it just blew me away

.....................................................................................................................
(entry 2: 28 november 2007)

I've always relished a good surprise...
Just plain old simple unexpectedness...

But this...
it definitely had me...

Thank you.


(8.o)
(S.T, J.F, L.E, R.R, S.H, Y.W, T.T, E.Z, H.L, Y.Y, A.T, Y.T, M.Y, L.Y, A.L, V.R, M, B, SIL, S, BIL, SPS, BB, R.V, S.S)

annual entitlement

I'll never know
what the future holds for me
but now, deep down, I know
what I wish for me

.................................................................................................
(entry 1: 28 November 2007)

I think of the wish I'm entitled to each year...

I hope He hears me.

.................................................................................................

I was speechless when asked to announce my wish.
I was supposed to have made three wishes and announced one of them...

But I had made only one...

Three times.

woozy weekend

like balancing a rock on my head
and hardly even doing it well
like this body's just a puppet
that's dragging its feet in a spell

...........................................................................................
(after the druggy nap, yet not feeling better. at all)

Sometimes I feel hot...
sometimes I feel cold...
and at the moment?
I'm oddly feeling neither...

My body feels separated
from my brain
yet both feel woozy
in their own unique ways

Body? Brain?
Where's the teamwork?
C'mon now work together
so we'd all feel a lot better

Hell...
I think the flu's making me insane...


Listen to:
Just Feel Better by Santana feat. Steve Tyler

rest in peace

hardshell: how was B's birthday?
K.Z: i have something to tell u... i din really celebrate this yr
hardshell: tell me? what?
hardshell: tell me...
hardshell: ??
K.Z: I'm pregnant!
hardshell: HAHA! I KNEW IT! *applause!*
K.Z: no fun one u... how did you know?
hardshell: just a gut... i wanted to guess dat. but scared its something bad ;O)
K.Z: :O)

...........................................................................................
(the day worry left me)

Finally...
I can rest in peace now...
cos that dream of death...
it truly was a sign of a new beginning.

Thank You.

:O)

poetry in a dream

As I stepped out of the car, I couldn't help but notice how special the night was.

"I love old estates," I thought to myself as I breathed in deeply. Something about the air... the night sky... it was peaceful and calm. The roads across were quiet. Even the community club opposite looked quaint, somehow.

I stood in the middle of the carpark and faced the block where my step-aunt stays. I tried to recall the last time I was there. Maybe because it had been during the day, and it never occurred to me how different the place had become with the departure of the "golden arches". Gone were the aroma of the tantalising fries. In replacement was a simple, low-profile coffee shop.

I looked up to see my step-aunt's house. The next thing I knew, I was in her home, with the rest of my family. And suddenly, we were out in the corridor, looking down at one of the units below that had caught fire.

Flames were spreading wildly and smoke was billowing everywhere. We wasted no time to make our way down the stairs. When we reached the ground floor, it suddenly started pouring. Heavily.

I remember feeling cold and hugging myself. Then amidst all the chaos, my eyes darted to someone who seemed unbothered by all the noise.

There he stood, holding an umbrella, looking at me...

He was waiting for me.

....................................................................................
(dream: 2nd week of the 10th month)

pohnk

Imagine my horror to find that my pillows have been inferiorly replaced. Fine, perhaps no one else can truly fathom how I felt. But returning home to a different set of pillows wasn't exactly my idea of a "welcome home" surprise.

I only had two pillows all along, so why is there a third? There they were... the damn, limp impostors, filling in my pillow cases. I panicked and touched to feel for "pohnk"...

"He'd better be here," I whispered to myself.

A sigh of relief escaped from my lips the moment my hand came into contact with my favourite bouncy pillow. I pulled him away from the other two which did not belong and gave him a real tight squeeze. I couldn't help but feel comforted by his fluffiness that felt "just right".

Gee I'm suddenly noticing the similarity with little Goldilocks here, heh.

...................................................................................

As strange as it may sound, a pillow to me, is something personal...
And to me, "pohnk" is my sidekick...
Keeping me company in my dreams...

And did I mention that I hate it when others change/replace/dispose my belongings without my permission?

stealing time

Don't you just wish there's more than 24 hours in a day?

Although...
I wonder if that came true, would my life be more fulfilling?

Here I am stealing time...
Been storing entries in my head...

Hopefully I have time to write when I return next week.



Listen to
Starlight by Muse

not now... not yet...

the dreams are here again...
like secret messages...
that I cannot fathom...
well...

at least not yet

............................................

I'll be back
before I lose them again

lift this sinking feeling

my heart, it aches...
and I've no inkling why...

will I find a song...

the clock just struck twelve
sixteen more days to go
then will I find myself
a song that knows me so?

...............................................................................
(searching for a song that best describes me)

In the deep audio seas
In the depths of lyrics
Is there really
No one song that fits me?

Deadline: 16 days from today

killer assumptions

comparisons...
when drawn from assumptions
do not make valid conclusions

..............................................................................................
(I swore: shallowness is not a state of thinking but a way of thinking)

Found this sms in my draft mailbox, along with bristling words of anger...
I suppose I had wanted to blog it at the time.

But now...
Frustration is meaningless...
Writing about it is pointless...
I don't give a damn anymore.

I am just happy it's finally over.

Finally...

Conversations with people who truly matter.

been a long while

Haven't written for some time...
Not that I wasn't well aware of it - had only been pushing it to the back of my head...
Well, until a certain conversation...


H.L: you write funny stories... how about writing a magazine?
hardshell: a magazine on?
H.L: it could be about ...
hardshell: what do you have in mind?
H.L: we should do something else it's a waste!
H.L: don't you write a blog?
hardshell: no (I lied)
H.L: how can a writer not have a blog?
hardshell: ...

..............................................................................

A writer.
It's funny... but I'd never call myself that, I think.
And it's rather embarrassing having someone think that highly of me.
True, i love writing... Have always wanted to write a book or something.
But it's kinda ironic isn't it?

A writer who doesn't read.

And who definitely needs to improve her vocab :OP

just do it

Have decided to go for it.

Just hope I don't return too different a person.

Wish me luck!

......................................................................
(feeling gung-ho and spontaneous)

I wish...

I wish...
that I could understand
the root of your persistence
so that I could extend my hands
and welcome its existence

I wish...
that I no longer need to try
to search within my own
so that I could recognise
what it is that you have shown

..............................................................................................
(the ninth month: a month of wishes... may He hear me)

I wish to understand...
I wish to feel...

that sparkle in your eyes



Listen to:
Lost Wishes by Uyea Sound

al-inshirah

have We not expanded for you your breast
and taken off from you your burden
which pressed heavily upon your back
and exalted for you your esteem
surely with difficulty is ease
with difficulty is ease
so when you are free, nominate
and make your Lord your exclusive

...............................................................................
(translation of al-inshirah)

Clashing projects
Clashing timelines
Tired mind
Tired body
This ninth month is full of trials

...............................................................................

The worries residing in my head...
Multiplied...
Juxtaposed...

Threatening...

To burst my head...
To cripple my mind...
To stress my heart...
To shorten my breath...

I have a splitting headache.

But dear God,
I am grateful for all that You have blessed me.
And I pray for strength...
For resilience
And understanding that You will not shower me with what You have
If You have never believed that I can't handle it.

So I must believe that I can overcome this.

That I can manage this.

when was the last time you had a real good cry?

would you please
let me slide a few words under your door
first three say I love you
the next five
but I can't no more
I don't believe in miracles
not like I did before

Would You Please? by Rachael Yamagata

hardshell: I just wanna cry just reading that
S.S: yea
hardshell: :Os
hardshell: sigh… sometimes all we need is a real good cry
S.S: yeah... its what we all need sometimes
hardshell: even if we may not know why
S.S: I hate it when i feel empty cos I can't let it out
hardshell: you know just curl up... cry out all e deepest tears from e deepest crevices of your heart
S.S: do you believe there'll be a day when you cant cry anymore?
S.S: its scary... but it's possible... and I don't wanna go there
hardshell: neither do I
hardshell: people may see me as weak but really... it liberates me
S.S: yeah. keeping it all in is so...repressive
hardshell: when's the last time you cried?

..............................................................................................

Can you remember?
At this very moment...
the last time u cried?

And I mean a real good cry...

Can you recall?

the ninth month

a quiet observance
will free us from harm
protect us from darkness
and bring peace and calm

............................................................................
(first friday of the ninth month)

verbal off guard

what was asked wasn’t much
but the answer to my question
had turned out to be such
an abrupt end to conversation

……………………………………………………..……………………..…..………………
(off guard entry 2: what would you wish for today?)

an answer beyond my anticipation...
should I say something in return?

a dream living, a different meaning

brought to reality...
a dream that's living...

but fortunately
through a different meaning

one that spells a new beginning

...................................................................................
(K.Z: a new door has opened)

Dreams of death...
Sometimes...
it's a sign of a new beginning.

And when it is,
I just can't thank Him enough
for allowing me to be a part of it.

off guard

surprises spring
when I wasn’t looking
for what I wasn’t planning
of what I wasn’t thinking

in short
when I was least expecting

……………………………………………………………………

should I do or say something?
Cos I think…

I think I’m being wooed...

which will it be

stay...
leave...
stay...
leave...
stay...
leave...

which will it be?

..................................................................................
(will there be a good enough reason to stay?)

Perhaps...
Whatever will be...
I should just fly...
leave for europe end this year.

Whatever will be
will be...

Perhaps...

farewell anonymity

everyone claiming to be somebody
each screaming “here, look at me!”
exchanging privacy for attention
wishing to be someone else’s distraction

farewell anonymity

and welcome virtuality
the new reality

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The world wide web…
A tool for content and communication
A breakthrough, a cause for celebration
Never did I expect the virtual world to evolve the way it did.

But what saddens me while reflecting on humanity

The world wide web…
A fertile ground for narcissism
Where ego and vanity is common identity
Where friends are but ubiquitous collections

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

When I was much younger, IRC was such a huge thing. So much so that for some it became an addiction. The idea of being able to make more friends outside your circle or even your country and chat with them in real time was such a novelty. That’s what it was. A novelty… and it never became anything more. Maybe only for me… cynical, skeptical me. While it was fun, it didn’t last. There were simply too many posers and wolves out there.

People who were fun to chat with online turned out to be a complete bore in person. Guys would repeatedly ask you out or rather try to lure you out of your home… desperate to put a face to your nickname, and for some, scheming to get more out of innocent girls. Try declining them a few times, and as expected, there will not be any further messages from them. Such were the pretentious friendships forged. (If I could rename it, I’d call it Fraudster)

And so came instant messaging. Before MSN, everyone I knew was on Yahoo. Can’t remember why we made the switch. Unlike IRC, instant messaging was an important tool for keeping in touch with friends - real friends you’ve met and known. No strangers. No need for filtering. Okay, maybe just a slight bit. Well at least that’s how it’s always been for me.

Then there was Emode. You’d have fun trying out quizzes to “find out more about yourselves”, share them with your friends and laugh at each other’s results.

And who could forget Napster? Or was it Morpheus first? All the unlimited music downloads. Heaven… Man, my brother and I were in ecstasy! Until it became illegal that is. (For now we can only enjoy the convenience of track streaming from online music communities before it’s declared illegal too. Or has it already?)

I can’t remember when Friendster appeared. Was it the reason why Emode rebranded itself into Tickle.com? I only found out recently that Tickle enables you to have a network too and I had been completely unaware. Not that I bothered either but apparently all the people whom you’d have referred a quiz to try (and if they actually completed one) would automatically be listed as your friend and you can view all the results each other have.

Friendster was undoubtedly the talk-of-the-town when it was first introduced. Everyone was a part of it, even cynical, skeptical me. “What happened to privacy?” I thought, recalling my phobia of being stalked. But I relented when a heartbroken friend wanted to show me the jerk she broke up with. Well I suppose it can be a good way to ring the alarm bell to ensure none of your other good friends will fall prey for the same bastard.

However, now, to someone who may be growing their Friendster network, one may even say “Forget it. Friendster’s so stagnant, so passé.” I guess that’s true, cos besides the convenience of sharing your photos, having birthday reminders and returning the views you receive from people, there isn’t anything exciting to explore. Well of course, not when compared to Facebook’s gorgeous seamlessness and highly interactive networking model, not to mention its flexibility in expansion.

It’ll only be a matter of time before Facebook is considered stagnant in comparison to new and more exciting networking models.

While all these are technological breakthroughs, they are pretty much services aiming to meet or surpass the narcissistic human demands. Undoubtedly a huge market as everyone continues to vie for a piece of attention.

"If we can't stop them, join them", you may say.
And personally to me, that's okay...
Just as long as we don't forget...
That when everyone is “somebody”…

That's when all the more discerning we should be.

if ever...

so it may not be now...
but that doesn't mean never

does it?

.......................................................................................
(against the test of time)

If I do...
If I can just say it...
write it...
do it...

Then I know...

That'll be the beginning

spot 74 bands/artistes

This is real cool. Try it!

(click on the image to enlarge it. Have fun!)

advertisement

(one)
A friend's selling a pc for only S$400. It's only a year old... he bought it from a friend who migrated to US only to realise that he didn't need it at all.

(two) SOLD
My brother's letting go of his P3 laptop for only S$50. It's almost 5 yrs old but still in good working condition. Except that it's not looking that great, I heard.

.................................................................................................

If you're interested in any of the above or need more details, just gimme a ring.


*ps: I'm not earning anything, just helping them out.

maybe

if I held the sand in my fist
then slowly release
let the grains fall through my fingers

maybe I’d find something in its midst
maybe even a piece
maybe a single gem that glitters...

the mathematics of love

one night
the stars are glowing
two hearts
we're overflowing
three words
hit like a bolt from above

four arms
we're hugging tightly
five times
I kissed you lightly
so close...

the mathematics of love

one, two, three forever
I'll keep on counting the ways
thousand nights I'll hold you
and love you all of my days

one night
the moon was shining
two hearts
we're intertwining
so close...

the mathematics of love

seven, eight, nine, ten of thee
I hold the memory of
the one night, two hearts thundered

the mathematics of love

...............................................................................
(the day I discovered a video of "the one night" song)

Only heard it once...
Many years ago.

Finally...

Trivia solved.

:O)




Listen to:
The Mathematics of Love from Square One TV

collection of short dreams

I was there in my home… yet strangely it wasn’t my home… and yet it all looked too familiar. I then realized, the layout, the furniture… I was there in my old home.

The phone rang and as my mum walked to answer it, my heart whispered… “She’s dead.” And in my mind, the image of a friend appeared. I shook the thought off and looked straight at my mum. She then turned to me and broke the news to me, “Your friend just passed away.”

My stomach felt queasy. “Is it K.Z?” I asked. My mum nodded. Strangely she wasn’t at all surprised that I hit the nail with my first guess.

The next few scenes were blurry… all I could remember now was speaking to my deceased friend’s sister (which was impossible cos she was the only child) and being told not to reveal it to her mum.

I should’ve written the dream down the very day I had it. Now I can’t remember very clearly except for the creepy fact. A similar incident had once happened in reality when I was much younger… that tiny whisper… I was so afraid that it would repeat itself.

I was advised not to reveal it to my friend, but my worried self couldn’t help it but to immediately contact her after the dream… She seemed fine. She was looking for a new job. And that sort of calmed me down.

I think there shouldn’t be anything to worry about…

Because death may also mean a new beginning…

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I was having lunch with two old secondary school classmates… the guy was sharing with us how he got to know this new girl recently.

Weirdly, the scene changed to his date scene. There he was seated opposite of the girl, chatting animatedly and happily. I couldn’t see her except for her back view… she had short wavy hair. They seemed to be having a good time schmoozing.

Then my friend said to her that he was meeting his friend for the next appointment. Suddenly, his friend appeared right next to him. The sort of appearance that would call for a special audio effect sound *ting!* And then from then on the girl didn’t seem too pleased and everything else turned awry.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I was lying on my bed when I received a text message on my phone, “If given the opportunity to say something to guys, what would you say?”

It was ridiculous, I know! Yet it carried a serious host-like tone kind of like the sort a Miss World presenter would have. And the hilarious thing was that I actually took the question seriously.

There I was pondering and deliberating on it as if my life depended on it. After much thought, I finally answered.

“Why is it that guys don’t listen?”

it's already a brand new day

unless a trade of equivalent value
I’m quite afraid of owing you

so maybe…
let’s just leave it that way
the big night is now over

it’s already a brand new day

……………………………………………………………………………
(quality night is over)

I'm happy
So maybe I deserve it

But I think...
although it may be logical...
I’m just afraid of being indebted

gakuen alice

your crying face makes you 30% uglier...
but when I see you smiling...
I'm able to forget my troubles...
I like that part of you

so please...

smile

.................................................................................................................
(G.A. something completely incomprehensible yet may just be completely simple)

You can find yourself in unreasonable places
and you can be wrong about a lot of things...
but if you believe in yourself...
if you choose to keep on smiling

you'll be okay

:O)


Watch:
Gakuen Alice

table of discontent

11 rows x 9 columns
1 table x 2 hours
1 day x 70 bucks

............................................................
(sigh)

Is there anyone else out there?
Anyone...
Someone who can meet our expectations...


Listen to:
Disease by Matchbox Twenty

three months left to live?

"What are you doing here?" my dad asked. Boy, was he surprised to see me... Never did he expect that I would turn up at the polyclinic. Knowing him, he was probably planning to keep to himself the doctor's advice and trivialise everything when questioned... I guess it takes one to know one... Well I definitely wasn't about to let him get away with it for sure - not when the doctor called urgently to bring his appointment forward.

"It can't be delayed," my mum, who answered the call was told.

So there I was, sitting next to my dad, waiting for our turn. It was obvious that he felt awkward... Refused to be fussed over... Refused to cause any unnecessary worries... Unsure how to react when receiving any acts of care and concern. Again, it really takes one to know one.

"It sounds serious. I won't be surprised if its a 'you-have-only-3-months-left-to-live kind of thing'," he said with an air of calm dutch courage. He later proceeded to tell me a story about his friend who died from leukemia. As I listened to him, I somehow distanced myself from the whole scene to observe him. And my mind wandered away....

There he was.... my dad. The man who did not even carry any of his children when we were babies cos he truly believed back then that he would die young and he didn't want us to be too emotionally attached to him.

This was the man who caned me when I scribbled and drew on the walls yet inspired me to try my hand at painting. Who objected to a lot of my academic decisions yet left me alone in my independence. Who wanted so strongly for me to quit my line and leave it all yet silently supported me in my career endeavours. Who believes in me and my capabilities yet had once scoffed in disbelief that I could saw and nail a perfect wooden frame. (He really can be chauvinistic!!)... Who'd nag and scold me if I refused to visit the doctor when I'm sick, yet behaves the same way when he was the sick one.

As much as I've been telling myself that I wouldn't want to be like my dad in some ways... I do identify some similarities that we share. I think he could see himself in me too... sometimes... I don't know...

It was finally our turn to see the doctor.

My dad was diagnosed with diabetes.

Did you know that diabetes can never be cured? I never knew that. Only then did I learn that the whole objective of diabetic treatment was merely to delay its effects. My dad didn't need medication... yet. But like all other illnesses, if no precautions were taken, it would worsen. Quickly.

Instinctively, I gave my dad the I-told-you-to-watch-what-you-eat look. But he was smiling to himself... "I thought it was something serious," he said.

"???!!! It's diabetes!! There's no cure!!" But of course... he was oblivious to my reaction. He was obviously missing the whole point!

Sigh...

Am I really gonna grow up to be like him?

..................................................................................................
(08 August 2007)

quality night

unexpectedly blown away
when luck's on my side
a good night and day
ended as a quality night

........................................................................
(27 July 2007)

For pix: my friendster (UPLOADED!)

stupid, stupid, stick

defying all directions
refusing all control
against my intentions
blasting the accidental

.............................................................................
(defiant joystick, impatient fingers)

stupid, stupid, joystick

the neck down to the ribs...
just who was I trying to kid?
Sigh...
I pray the image wouldn't stick

a star in my own right

shining...
feeling...
like a star in my own right
with brilliance of my own might

.........................................................................................
(this is me... dressed as I would be)

where simplicity meets comfy
meets girly and querky

the most important thing to me is staying true
to myself

what I wore:
knitted white cardi, black tube tunic, red vintage bag, turquoise shoes with red cherries

rhythmic revenge

I plunge myself
into the depths of the sounds
and yet it seems
the thirst remains unquenched
but still I swim
in the webbed audio seas

continuing my rhythmic revenge

......................................................................................
(random playlists)

It's unmistakable... this void...
I suppose lately it's been sort of like a mental vengeance for me. Fleeting online from one playlist to another. Receiving daily surprises or facing stagnant jukeboxes.

I plug into the playlists of others, shut myself out from the world.

and I wonder...

if conversations were songs...
what would you say?
what would you sing?


If you have a radioblog playlist, do share it with me.


Listen to:
Rewind by Stereophonics

overdue thank you

Wanted to wait till I had decent time to blog my entries, but before this becomes really way overdue...
I'd like to say...

Thank you.

Thank you all who voted :OP

I will post the pictures up soon... Just need your help in reminding me :OP

And I'll be back with entries... by end this week? Hee...

give me a happy song

my anger,
bristling at everything wrong
my heart,
palpitating, beating strong

I need a song...
a song...

a real perk-me-up happy song...

undiscovered

choosing a road less travelled
assuring myself that I'm not lost

just my talent undiscovered

searching deep within myself
convincing hard that I'm not lost

but my love's still undiscovered

...............................................................................
(same song... different times, different interpretations)

I'm not lost...
not lost...
just undiscovered

so time will never stop
but will it at least slow down...
will it give me a chance...

to discover love again?



Listen to:
Undiscovered by James Morrison

cleared

When I learnt from a friend that he had been in touch with an common friend via msn, I was really pissed. Reason being I hadn't seen him online for ages! "How could he block me?" I thought. We went such a long way back.

I was trying to justify things, thinking that there was probably a discrepancy whenever I updated my adium to the latest version (I'm not using msn) when memories flooded back to me...

Well... okay honestly, I hadn't actually been very nice to him. In fact, I think if I was anything at all, in the last of our communication, I had been sarcastic and cruel to him. I don't know why really... We used to get along real well... We could talk about anything under the sun... so much so that I knew him through and through...

I think he kinda hated me for having known him too well, how I would mercilessly blow his cover each time he put on that "know-it-all" persona, especially if it was of something he wasn't sure of. Yet he was fond of me... I never understood why... and today, it still escapes me why he never gave up during those few years...

He held face value of high importance... he would be cool in my presence yet would proclaim and blabber about his feelings for me to everyone else... it was therefore hard to trust him completely... yet deep down, I knew, that even with all his grandeur crap, his feelings for me had been truly genuine.

I wanted to keep the friendship going by shrugging it off but it came to a point where the whole world was teasing me about it and things became painfully awkward. Then came the ultimatum. He hated my choice, and things never quite remained the same ever since. I simply hated how his ugly, condescending side started to show and hence would instinctively hurt him with my words. I guess it was really unnecessary on my part. But it's all been done. I could never undo them, or so I thought.

Few days later, I received a message from him. I then realised it was probably due to some bug in adium that caused me to miss a notification when he changed his passport a long time ago... well, that sure explained things....

N.K: i guess you didn't see my notification when i changed my msn handle.
hardshell: when did u change?
N.K: quite long ago... i put it up as my display name.
hardshell: I was so certain you blocked me :OP
N.K: it's okay! now it's cleared up. you know I'd never do that to you...

Well I guess things are different now... I don't expect us to be as good friends as we used to. I know I could never undo the things I did or said before, but I guess I can try to make things better now.

I think.

thank you

knowing who's behind me
is what matters truly
much more than any victory
much more than any trophy

............................................................................................
(touched)

It's funny...
Absurd really...
And totally unnecessary...
How I've been bugging others incessantly
reminding them to vote for 'D'

But I was touched tremendously
When I learnt an old friend was rooting for me
He who did not receive the news from me
He who hadn't been in touch with me

:O)

* ting *

upon sharing my discovery
of a lie so unnecessary
only heightened the deceived
only fueled the perceived

thoughts of a friend of minority
out of stereotypicality
whom I’d always believed
slowly lessened the peeved

……………………………………………….……………….
(coincidence)

Once a good friend
then an acquaintance
Appeared in me mentally
Then before me in reality

What a coincidence

inertia

defying positive motion
my mind pauses and turns
and my heart, it mourns
in forlorn disposition
dwelling…
forgetting…
whatever had been sworn

…………………………………………………………………………..
(07.07.07)

I’ve lost my bag and everything else in it…
Though technically, I didn’t lose it…

It was stolen.
But it didn’t matter did it?
I lost it. Period.

Gone were my new micro drive hard disk, keys to office, home and mailbox, business cards and work-related documents. It didn’t help that the bag was the only bag I had bought from my latest trip. And to make matters worse, it also dawned on me that the other things in my bag – ipod nano, a book, light blue pouch, floral satin pouch, woven purple pouch, metal bear key chain, ‘Neji’ (a Character from the Japanese anime, Naruto) key chain, metal boy key chain and hairclip were all special gifts from people who mattered a lot to me. Sigh… so much for trying to let go.

“They’re just things”, I’d psyche myself up. “Be grateful. It could’ve been worse - think about other important things which could have been stolen”.

And yet… at the next moment, my emotions overpower me.

I really, really. really must learn to detach myself from my belongings.

Thank God I had my wallet and both my handphones with me. It had taken me ages to finally get over the loss of my handphone which was a birthday gift, five months ago… I’d just die if they were stolen too.

I totally didn’t need any more heartaches.

And that’s for certain.

vote for 'd'

They say thoughts are prayers....

I'm hoping...
I'm thinking...
really, really hard...

But you can make it possible
by voting...

log on to www.asiaone.com.sg/inkawards




cheers!
:OP

me, myself and I

different sides magnified
there is nothing to hide
cos every single face is I
and why would I ever lie?

why would it be tiring?
it’s not like I’m pretending
every face is and always will be

a different side of me

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

No two persons are the same.
Everyone has a unique set of likes and dislikes.
What A has in common with B, may not necessarily be what A has in common with C. And it’s only natural that when A is with B, A will naturally activate any common interest or characteristic they share… Likewise when A is with C...

So these ‘faces’… aren’t they simply a magnification of a part of oneself, borne from an ability to share different things with different people? What logic equates that to being an act to impress?

I don’t understand. It’s not like it’s a crime… cos there will never exist a person who would be able to actively share, appreciate and enjoy another’s every interest, characteristic and idiosyncrasy – and I really mean every single one of them.

That’s downright impossible.

But if I’m wrong, then show me the person who would understand me through and through, inside and out, in things minor and major; in short, in every single possible thing.

Show me.

it’s not here again... is it?

staring at me in the face
I looked on through with blind eyes
'forgetting' to count the days
yet it nagged me, what belies

………………………………………………................................
(x independent days
x bedridden hours
x more days to the next visit)

My mind refuses to count the days
Of my failed independence
My body loses its resistance
My will and mind, it disobeys

There’s only so much I can ignore
Only so much I can numb
When I can feel the sapping of my energy

God... please don't let it stay...

upsize

I've had like the fourth person whom I've not met for a long time tell me that I have gained weight.

No, no... It does nothing to offend me at all. In fact it's an achievement for me, having been classified as underweight or borderline normal ever since I can remember. My colleague will repeatedly exclaim, "I want to gain weight too!" It's puzzling to us of course, my gain in contrast to her loss, since we're both in the same work environment and undergoing the same stress.

Of course to others who asked me about the difference and had absolutely no inkling of what I had been going through... I'd just go "Happy?" and shrug my shoulders to their nods of approval.

I really had no idea why until I looked through the pictures I had uploaded on friendster. I then realised that each time I felt depressed and wanted to run away, I'd surround myself with the same factors - retail therapy, girlfriends, great conversation and good food.

Now, aren't those just the perfect concoction for weight gain?

*grin*

lightness of being

feeling dressy...
feeling pretty...
feeling happy...
today...

I love being me

.............................................................................

And what more wonderful way to start the morning?
Finding out from a client that your ad's in the papers as a finalist for an award.
She tells you she loves the series.
She shares with you that's the very reason she approached you for a job.
She wishes you luck and hopes that you win.

*smile*


Listen to:
Feeling Good by Muse

it just doesn't sound right

When two non-gay guys complained to me how they were hit on by a gay, I couldn't help but laugh my head off. The only consolation I could ever offer was, "I get mistaken as gay too".

It wasn't effective though... apparently it didn't bring them much comfort. My situation was inevitable, I was told. I suppose that's true, since I hang out with friends who are gays. But the difference was, I never took offence, I'd just be curious each time I was mistaken as one. So their obvious discomfort was simply too irresistible for me to not be cheeky. Lol!

Well, that was just a few hours before I learnt something from a friend. She shared with me how a gay friend of mine described me and said that I have a "hot bod". Yikes.. I wouldn't even begin to think or use such words on myself... hot in my definition are the likes of Kate Moss and Nicole Kidman (sighh...) and I'm definitely nowhere close. Plus I've always believed that I dress modestly (much to the disagreement of my friends though... lol!)

Ok, the point is, I know how full of crap she is, and I love her for that. She'd always jokingly "hit on me", and I'd always attack her back with a bout of pinches. But that bit of information... that phrase... it just made me feel uneasy and weird.

I can't help it.

It just doesn't sound right.

out in the open

I ain't some kind of martian
I've got no appreciation
for any space invasion

let's skip all explanations
and tiring justifications
gather all thoughts and actions

have them out in the open

when planning fails me

all dressed up, all happy
then girlfriend cancels on me
and worse, spontaneity fails me
cos nobody, nobody is free

........................................................................

Planned to manage time effectively
Planned not to work late this evening
Planned for some serious catching up
So much for planning!

Lonely me
So in need of retail therapy

no thanks

afraid of losing my sanity
wanted to run away and fly
but I don't give a damn really
for any captain of the sky

.............................................................
(parents: unwelcomed suggestion)

I'd rather be happy
when you leave me
just leave me be

parents... love em and hate em

you want? you want?
my friend has a son...

blunt words ringing, lacking in tact
no cares for subtlety
no cares for disguise
as if it were an interesting fact
though frankly to me
it was no surprise

...........................................................................
(the day my mum decided to be 'helpful')

No prizes for me
for having guessed that one day
this might just spring up on me.

The day I dread.



Current favourite song:
Ready for Love by Bad Company

I wouldn't really know

had made up my mind and it was a no
but maybe... then I wouldn't know
why you decided that you love me so
why you rethought about letting me go

would the missing once again grow

............................................................
(distant)

Would a tiny grain expand
enough to make me understand?
I wouldn't really know, would I?
Not if I give it a chance to try



Listen to:
Auf Achse by Franz Ferdinand

auf achse

you see her, you can't touch her
you hear her, you can't hold her
you want her, you can't have her
you want to, but she won't let you

.......................................................
(lyrics from Auf Achse by Franz Ferdinand)

16 days

Had been so caught up with so many things that I haven't had the time to blog. It's a busy month with plenty more to come...

It was only just now when I was asked the date of my latest entry that I realised that it's been 16 days...

I guess I just need to find the right time...
the right state of mind to write things out...

unconscious carelessness

tight-shut the windows
padlock the door
lay buried in pillows
but the gaps...
the gaps...
near the walls and floor...
I had not intended for

....................................................................................
(a day so guarded yet so careless)

Careless unconsciousness...
My weakest link...
forgetting whom I'm with
forgetting whom I'm talking to

Exposing the very thing
I had wanted to protect...

My heart.





Listen to:
Stars by Switchfoot

untitled

God...
I don't know how to describe this feeling...

It overwhelms me...
I can't breathe...
It's like I'm choking...

Like I can break down anytime...

I don't wanna cry...

Not now... not at work...

I wanna run away...

all of worries and control
just release, simply let go
run away, burrow a hole
hibernate and just lay low

...........................................................................................
(one more day)

Someone told me I'm sensible...
that even in times of uncertainty, I try to gain as much control as possible...

Well today,
I feel like I've lost my senses...

including my sense of control.

the hardshell code

My irritating friend had this to comment on my blog (are you reading this? :OP)

A.T: some blogs are just so difficult to decipher that you have no idea what they're talking about. After a while you just feel like giving up.

hardshell: then give up already!

A.T: eventually you just do.

...................................................................................

LOL!

Frankly, I don't give a damn whether I'm understood or not.
This is not some commercial project that needs to be intuitive, to reach out to the public.

This is a side of me.

So maybe I'm difficult to understand...

As if I didn't know that already.

never thought of it that way...

Had a long talk with a friend...
Though we were actually trying our best to make sense of my predicament... it turned out to be a session in trying to understand more about myself...

Question, reflection. Question, reflection...
I'd always be pondering and thinking real hard, to the point of straining myself, only to eventually mutter, "I don't know". Those three words have been residing at the tip of my tongue these days. I don't know... somehow... it's not that I don't really know, but I guess I don't exactly know where to begin. My thoughts are always tangled, tied up in knots...

Even as I'm typing now, I don't really know where or how to begin. We spoke about a lot of things... One of which was that she thought that I think like a man in some ways... (though I doubt it) Okay... she had always been jokingly instigating me to join her club despite all my protests and proclamation that I'm really straight (roll eyes). Fine... so sometimes I don't think or act the way a typical girl should. But I never thought that was a problem.

I realised that I had been growing up with a particular mindset - that I dislike owing anyone anything and that I'd rather depend on myself. I don't know who planted it in me... my mum, probably... But I think I remember a scene once when I was young, my sister had planned to watch a play with her friend and she had bought a set of new clothes to wear. But I just couldn't understand it why she had asked for a reimbursement from my mum... "What did it have to do with my mum?" I had thought. I stood there at the door, seeing her off in her new clothes, vowing silently to myself that if it's nothing related to school... if something's simply a personal satisfaction, I shall account for it myself.

I grew up proud, attaining things I wanted with my own efforts. While keeping myself self-sufficient, I strive to ensure that I could help people around me feel complete emotionally. I don't know how to explain... the feeling... a certain sense of responsibility...

But everyone is human. And there can never be complete independence. When there finally came a time when I caved in... when I finally needed something... and yet I couldn't find it... it just... it just crushed me...

I told my friend that I have a problem. That I am selfish, all the while wanting to satisfy my personal emotional needs. The constant need for space... the need for control... and I have a problem in giving.

But her reply to that completely surprised me...

She said, "It's not that you're not giving. It's that you're not taking".

I've certainly never thought of it that way...

if you had to choose...

would you be with someone because...
you love him or simply because...
you love the way he loves you?

...................................................................................................
(S.H: tough question)

end of time

ominous clouds up high
the sky threatened to cry
darkness loomed even closer
warning me the end is near

and my eyes…

they overtook the sky

……………………………………….…………………….
(impending end of grace)

I stand alone
In the eye of the storm
completely surrounded
by the whirling tornado
of thoughts and time



Listen to
Always With Me, Always With You by Joe Satriani

I’ve got a disease

contemplation
hesitation
the symptoms so damn clear
so hard to trust another

frustration
desperation
psyched myself, though I fear
letting go, handing over

dissatisfaction
exasperation
yet trust, how will I ever?
always end up doing things over...

I need a cure

……………………………………………………..…………………………..……………..
(bloody sunday)

The last thing I need
Is having to worry about things I have to hand over
And yet… It’s always the first thing I do
And always the next thing that reappears...
on my list of to-dos