never thought of it that way...

Had a long talk with a friend...
Though we were actually trying our best to make sense of my predicament... it turned out to be a session in trying to understand more about myself...

Question, reflection. Question, reflection...
I'd always be pondering and thinking real hard, to the point of straining myself, only to eventually mutter, "I don't know". Those three words have been residing at the tip of my tongue these days. I don't know... somehow... it's not that I don't really know, but I guess I don't exactly know where to begin. My thoughts are always tangled, tied up in knots...

Even as I'm typing now, I don't really know where or how to begin. We spoke about a lot of things... One of which was that she thought that I think like a man in some ways... (though I doubt it) Okay... she had always been jokingly instigating me to join her club despite all my protests and proclamation that I'm really straight (roll eyes). Fine... so sometimes I don't think or act the way a typical girl should. But I never thought that was a problem.

I realised that I had been growing up with a particular mindset - that I dislike owing anyone anything and that I'd rather depend on myself. I don't know who planted it in me... my mum, probably... But I think I remember a scene once when I was young, my sister had planned to watch a play with her friend and she had bought a set of new clothes to wear. But I just couldn't understand it why she had asked for a reimbursement from my mum... "What did it have to do with my mum?" I had thought. I stood there at the door, seeing her off in her new clothes, vowing silently to myself that if it's nothing related to school... if something's simply a personal satisfaction, I shall account for it myself.

I grew up proud, attaining things I wanted with my own efforts. While keeping myself self-sufficient, I strive to ensure that I could help people around me feel complete emotionally. I don't know how to explain... the feeling... a certain sense of responsibility...

But everyone is human. And there can never be complete independence. When there finally came a time when I caved in... when I finally needed something... and yet I couldn't find it... it just... it just crushed me...

I told my friend that I have a problem. That I am selfish, all the while wanting to satisfy my personal emotional needs. The constant need for space... the need for control... and I have a problem in giving.

But her reply to that completely surprised me...

She said, "It's not that you're not giving. It's that you're not taking".

I've certainly never thought of it that way...