by whose conspiration?

when love existed and inspired
but whispers of the heart gone unheard
just with whom the universe conspired?
whatever happened to what was desired?

…………………………………………………………………………………….……………………………………
(S.H. when it felt like the whole universe conspired with others except herself)

It may not feel like what you want at all…

But we are only a part of the universe and the universe is only a part of God’s masterplan. We can’t always see beyond the distance of humans’ sight. What may not feel right at this point is really bringing us towards where we may not know but the universe may know and where He knows best.

the alchemist

I remember talking to a friend about the book.
I remember later reading the book review and falling in love with a line quoted in the book,

“when you desire something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it”.

I remember how I wanted to read it so much but I didn’t have the time to borrow or buy it.
I remember vividly how lucky I felt when it just landed on my desk, being related to a project.
It felt as though the line came alive… that the universe conspired… that fate worked its magic…
just so the book could land in my hands.

“God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the omens that he left for you”.

I had hoped to find clarity, an answer to a simple question. But having read the book recently, it left me more confused. As though my senses were heightened, and I became overly observant… unnecessarily reading into new things that may bear no meaning… and what I had long understood soon became foreign.

Just whom is the universe conspiring with and for what reason?

…………………………………………………………………………………..………………………..………..

been standing at a crossroad
in clouded deliberation
broken by distraction
of birds flying in a row

in a momentary reflection
I wondered if I should follow
but they headed in a direction
to where there’s no existing road



Read:
The Alchemist by Paul Coelho

an unannounced visit

memories, an old friend
just paid me a surprise visit
with invisible hands
that almost reached out to my feet

holding my breath, I stood rooted to the floor
wondering to God why I should open the door
………………………………………………………………………………..…………
(the night memories knocked on my door)

Memories...
A paradox in itself
How something visual
Can be invisible
Seeping through cracks on my door…

yellow

the colour of naivety
harmless with unhurried quality
yet innocently, unsuspectingly
it possesses underestimated ability
an oft-overlooked power
to fuse itself with others
and magically transforms colours
into greater shades of wonders

..................................................................................

Yellow.
Isn’t directly my favourite colour.
But I’ve always understood its power...
Never failed to feel its presence...
in the analogous palette of the world.
It's there in the cheerful petals of my favourite orange gerberas.
It’s there in anticipation of sunset, true beauty at the end of daylight.
It’s there in the sparkling stars, brightening the distant night sky with hope.
It’s there in the highlights of autumn, capturing shades of sunset in a season.

..................................................................................

When I was very much younger...
I’d look at my coloured pencils and think to myself...
If I could ever be a coloured pencil, I’d wish to be in yellow...

My yellow-coloured pencil...
Always terribly much shorter...
than all the other colours.
And although a primary colour...
it works best as companion to others…
Soothing fiery reds into harmonious shades of orange...
Uplifting subdued blues into joyous tones of green...

Though always leaving the world much earlier
than all the other colours...

I’d like to think that my yellow-coloured pencils truly lived life to the fullest.

..................................................................................

So when you wake up tomorrow, ask yourself…

What is the colour of your day?

Is it missing some yellow?



Listen to
Yellow by Coldplay



A random entry inspired by the line...
"... it's never hard to be ordinary if you feel ordinary and the paleness of surrender becomes the colour of Eddie's days".
From "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom.

a simple wonder of fate

my golden flawed beauty
has changed in discolouration
unexpectedly completing me
in my current bronze obsession

………………………………………………………………………………
(what wasn't perfect was perfect for me)

Call it serendipity
Call it transformation

But I simply choose to see it
as a simple wonder of fate

no longer know what's true...

Can't sleep... Was somehow reminded of a bitter exchange... how I felt when I was cynically dismissed as naive... I remember sarcastically admitting simply for the fact that I repeatedly fail to learn my lesson, despite having lost faith in people again and again. But bluntly I was told that I was probably the one who caused people to lose faith in myself first...

At that moment, I felt so cruelly misjudged... so wrongly accused...

But I wonder now...
maybe they hurt simply because they rang true...

Just the other day my heart told me...
that nothing hurts more than trying your best, only to be told that it wasn't good enough...
But just WHAT is good enough?
How would we know?
How would I know?

I think of the legions of American Idol fans queueing up for the auditions, believing they will do their best... believing they ARE the best. When in reality, they can't even carry a decent tune...

I think of an ex-classmate who would proudly show off her work, believing they were wonderful... believing SHE was talented. When in reality, her work was clearly lacking in standards...

I can't help but wonder... if like them, I have been disillusioned all this while...
That my best is in fact a distant reality...
And that I'm really far from fragility...

I don't know...

And frankly, I no longer know what's true anymore...

struck thrice

like walking on tip-toe
around broken glass
avoiding the shadows
yet repeatedly they passed

……………………………………………….
(hat-trick coincidence)

Uncanny, it was mysterious
Silly, it was my carelessness
But ending up in familiar residence
Was truly the ultimate coincidence

Coincidences...
Seems as though they are all around
Just waiting...
Waiting...
And waiting...
To spring up on me
And hit me with pangs of reminders

But maybe I'm just overly-sensitive

a pictureless dream

I had a dream today... a dream unlike any other...
A dream without images...
A dream without characters...

It was pitch black... There was nothing to see...
Only beautiful soft sounds played at the back of my head...
And the words, they drifted to me...
The lyrics, sad and haunting...

"precious and fragile things...
need special handling...
my God what have we done to you?"

It played repeatedly...
Pulling me...
Immersing me...
Sinking me...
And there I drowned in melancholy...

...........................................................................................

When I opened my eyes to reality... everything else felt blurry.
But my dear heart, it spoke to me...

Nothing hurts more than trying your best,
only to be told that it wasn't good enough.
Nothing aches more than waiting for that lil understanding,
only to leave in forlorn resignation.
And nothing... nothing kills more than believing that everything is possible,
only to surrender to the painful reality that maybe it just isn't.

Dreams are beautiful...
Time is precious...
Love is fragile...
Everything and everyone needs attention.

But I had forgotten...
That I am precious... that I am fragile...
And that I too...

Need special handling



Listen to:
Precious by Depeche Mode

guilty passion

the moment, it accused
traitorous heart of mine
undecidedly refused
the successor in my new find

………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(the day I finally fell in love again)

Have always held a special value for all things aged and antique...
Somehow the lack of perfection charms me…
Makes them human, I feel…
Makes them resonate with me.

My antique silver rings
Only two I’ve long been wearing
Where all stones have disappeared
Yet still pretty like no other

I finally fell in love again
With a golden flawed beauty
A possession I wanted to attain
Till my heart, it tugged at me

It spoke to me as though accusing
That I was conveniently replacing
What had been gracing my fingers
For no less than five long years*

But still I held the new successor
Calmed my heart in gentle assurance
Cos deep down I truly knew better
That a bond made in endurance…

Forever remains unsubstituted


* (1999) a gift from mother (2001) a personal reward for my 1st job

uncanny coincidence

I blinked and blinked at the uncanny
but the words, they still remained unchanged
is God somehow playing a trick on me?
reminding me of a bond estranged

...................................................................................
(the night of the mysterious reminder)

I was there...
It was usual.

Searching for songs, old and new
Keyed in an old favourite band name
Waited my time until the list came
But the list, it brought to me
Of songs totally unrelated
Neither name nor first alphabet
But the long list were all of the same
Of one song that only reminded
A song related to a once familiar name

It was strange...
It was impossible.

But there it was...
Right in my face.

got a minute to spare?

so maybe not a single day
and maybe not a whole full hour
but do I even have the slightest honour
of being in your thoughts though just a single minute?

do thoughts of me make your smile linger
just a lil while longer though just a single minute?

does my absence ever make your heart grow fonder
or your thoughts wander though just a single minute?

…………………………………………………………………………………………

tell me...
and tell me honestly...
cos frankly...
I'm no mind reader

rendezvous

deep in my sleep
my natural waves awake
the only time we meet
is when I step out of bed

..................................................
(sassy sleepyhead)

My crown of glory...
Makes me feel pretty...

Only when I step out of bed...
Only when I'm groggy in the head...
Only when there's nobody to see it.

Oh damn it!

black rain

in the eye of the storm
where calmness should maintain
betrayed from collected form
as kohl bleeds blackened rain


Listen to
November Rain by Guns N' Roses

old dependency, new distress

old discomfort recurring
I recall now the feeling
yet old prescribed relieving
new distress now it brings

…………………………………………………………………
(it’s all in the mind)

God, please help me
Numb me through this dependency

So I may focus on not focusing
What my body is feeling

nodule

onelud
duelon
udonel
lodenu
olnue
nuol
lon
no
o

......................................................................
(something I had written the day I had learnt a new word)

I had wished that I could redefine its meaning...
as easily as I could reshuffle its letters...
That I could reduce it...
Simplify any possible complexity...
Into nothing...

Into zero.



I thank God again for his leniency.

Listen to
Metalingus by Alter Bridge

and the dreams keep on coming

I should've known... once I start having one, the dreams just keep coming.

I dreamt I was sleeping in my bed when I was suddenly stirred by the cries of a baby... I think in my dream I truly believed it was my nephew, crying and making baby noises. Concerned, I stepped out of bed and opened the door.

But strangely, he wasn't there.
Not a single soul in the living room...

I woke up.

...........................................................................................................

I didn't think much of the dream when I woke up.
But somehow... when I related it to a friend, I started to have goosebumps...
And then I began to realise how eerie it was.

all I wanted was to sleep

Had wanted to try catching the sunset last evening... the one I had missed last month... but it rained... Probably it was nature's way of forcing me to rest while I could. I slept early, hoping to wake up in the wee hours to work, but I overslept. Though frustratingly... I now feel as though I had never slept at all...

I dreamt. It's been some time since I last dreamt. If I remember correctly, the last dream I had was that someone stole my bag while I was unaware. Well this time, it wasn't any better...

I was sitting comfortably in my seat in the train, enjoying the ride when suddenly a lady walked in with a medium-sized brown dog. I felt a surge of fear rise up to my throat. Immediately, I pulled my legs up onto my seat, exclaiming to her to back off.

I was really frustrated - her reaction was so slow! And it was made even much slower with the fact that the leash was long so she didn't have firm control of the dog's movements. The minute there was space between us, I made a dash for the other end of the cabin.

But the dog followed me, panting and trying to get close to me. In my fear, I didn't notice that he was just being overly friendy - all I could think of was, "Back off". And all this while, the lady owner was feebly trying to control him. I couldn't hear my own screams but I'm certain now that it was the only thing I could ever do. Then another lady who was seated in the row of seats raised her palm at me as though to stop me and then she turned to speak to the dog. Damn, I can't really remember what she said but it was something along the lines of, "I don't know who she is. So just ignore her".

I was extremely furious! Exasperated, I screamed at the top of my lungs hoping to make her understand, "I have a phobia of dogs!" And she looked at me wide-eyed in disbelief and asked, "Phobia? So what will you do?" I stared at her. There was an inner voice in me that said, "I can kill in my reflex to fear". But amazingly I still had some sense in me to hold myself back. "There was no way I could say that in public," I thought. "What if it were to be used against me". I then stormed off to the next cabin...

I can't remember what happened next but I remember the dream ended with me on the phone, describing the whole incident to a friend.

...............................................................................................

I hate that feeling.
That feeling of fear when I'm being sprung on with my phobia...
That feeling of frustration when things aren't moving the way i want them to...
That feeling of exasperation of not being understood...

... and all the while all I wanted was to sleep.

the five people you meet in heaven

Bought this particular book ages ago but never got round to reading it. Well, was somehow reminded of its high reviews and its existence on my bookshelf. And yes… I finally read and completed it... yesterday.

The book sheds light on how the world is a web of stories - interconnected and related to one another. It told of the main character whom after his death, awakened in the afterlife and met five people who explained his earthly life by sharing their stories with him - how each of them had changed his life's path.

There were plenty of quotable quotes and beautiful phrases. But one particularly caught my eye because of the simplicity in its words but power in its meaning... one which led me to curse myself for not bookmarking it when I had first chanced on it as that would’ve spared me the frustrated impatience of scanning through the pages over and over just to find it again… one that spoke about lost love and how the main character put his heart to sleep by letting his days go stale after the death of his beloved wife.

Well here it is and I quote:

"It is never hard to act ordinary if you feel ordinary, and the paleness of surrender becomes the colour of Eddie's days".

………………………………………………………………………………….……………………………

I think…
It’s just profoundly scary how powerful true love can be…
How it can impact two extremes, both positive and negative…
How when present, it colours, brightens and enriches one’s life…
Yet how when lost, it strips one of any feelings of importance or worth, and all colours cease to exist except that of the paleness of resignation...

I wonder…
If I were the main character, who would be the five people that I would meet?

And I wonder…
If I could stand in line as one of the five people in someone’s life, whose life would it be?



Read
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

self-execution

choosing to let the hour slip away
your actions warranted my dismay
but before attempting to arrest the guilty
I was held hostage by my own inadequacy

................................................................................

The firm believer that I am.
Yet well aware of the firm reality...
Of my own spiritual inadequacy...
Of my own inner complacency...

Which probably…
Denies me any right to discern eligibility.

fortune cookie

The message in my fortune cookie says:

"Luck is coming your way."

......................................................................

Am not one to believe in such things...
But it sure leaves me feeling good.

leaner and meaner

the simple shutting of our doors
immediately opened up new doors

wait, let me think…

did we even blink?

..........................................................
(the femme fatales: only the beginning)

It’s the estrogen in the air…
I swear!

:O)

time's up

I could never live in all acceptance
if I couldn't give others the assurance
if I couldn't be of any significance
if I couldn't give even some assistance

cos I'd feel ashamed
I'd feel guilty
I'd feel useless

and I would reflect on my competence

............................................................................
(no testosterone, no loss)

Oblivious to the ticking clock...
Numb to the passing days...

I wonder how some people can take it easy...
too easy...
All in the midst of urgency.

I don't know how.

But I know I'm done waiting.



Listen to
Plans by Bloc Party

the pursuit of happiness

Don't ever let anybody tell you that you can't do something.
If you've got a dream... you gotta protect it.

You want something...
Go get it.
Period.


Watch
The Pursuit of Happyness The Movie

wasteful assumptions

the time spent carelessly
your mind consumed completely
endless wondering daily
of nothing but the ambiguous reality

…………………………………………………………............................
(anonymous: my reply)

You’ll never know...
Whether it’s impossible between you two
Whether it’s just infatuation you’ve fallen into

Not till you ask him yourself.
But not till you ask yourself, first.

... and you let it slip away

it's friday, the hour has slipped away
besides someone who thinks of me everyday...
I need someone who loves Him more than I do…
who fears Him more than I do…

...................................................................................

Do you?