that picturesque scene... again

Had been busy wallowing in self pity and regret about losing my phone in the wee hours today that I didn't realise when I finally fell asleep. It was a nice change... having been immersed in frustration in reality, it was somewhat calming to be slowly drifted into nostalgic surrealism.

In my dream, I saw a wooden bench... It was empty. As my view widened slowly, I could see that the bench was perched on a grass slope set against the background of the beautiful night sky... Deep blues and purples swirling with darkened greys, lent the night sky such visual depth that made the scene utterly breathtaking. It was absolutely picturesque...

The motion of my vision soon shifted and I found myself moving parallelwards to the bench, further away from the place. I watched as the bench became smaller and smaller. Then I heard a voice behind me. I turned to my right and my vision turned pitch black.

I woke up.

..............................................................................................................

I recognise that place...
It was at a reservoir where I used to frequent during my childhood.
I actually had the same dream... that very same scene before and I've been meaning to revisit the place ever since.
But I haven't... till today.

And I was just recalling how and when I first had the dream months ago when I realised what today's date is.

missing a piece of myself

a page from my history
a part of my life’s journey
like taken away from me
so suddenly, unexpectedly

now here i am...
mourning for what’s been gone
cursing what should've been done
nursing whatever that's left
and missing…

missing a piece of myself

..............................................................................................

Lost my handphone last night... barely a month after I received it.
All these years of owning one, I've never lost any. But I guess there's always a first time.
I don't know which is worse... the fact that it was a birthday gift from my beloved colleagues or that it contained precious numbers of old friends whom sadly I've no other points of contact.
Guess that's how things go the minute you begin to think that the year is ending quite well.

As much as I'd like to let go, I can't stop thinking about it.
It's really hard when sentimental values are involved and especially when to me, my phone entries tell a story - a story of my life; a page from history that reflects the people I've met and known along in a part of my life journey; a reminder of the experiences I had shared with them.

But it's gone now.
I've lost a huge part of myself.
Sigh... how my heart aches.

never rush into a relationship

when i first set eyes on Faber
i was reminded of my desire
i pictured him, his cool exterior
hand in hand with me as partners

but just before i inked my signature
i caught the firm presence of Parker
and in a whirlwind, i decided on no other
in Parker, i believed i had found my answer

i realised however, a few notes later
when sharing stories, to Pilot i'd rather
that i couldn't truly be myself with Parker
i knew then, we weren't meant for each other

...............................................................................................

For Lamy, now my heart grows fonder
Is he really the right one? I wonder
But this time I definitely know better
Than to rush into a relationship with another

obviously ununanimous

amongst nods of appreciation, blinks of repentance
and awkward attempts of reconciliation
blank stares of no retreat continued in existence

.................................................................
(entry after HS1's wedding)

It was weird.
Obviously ununanimous.

It made me wonder.
Did HS1 even appreciate our presence?

So much for hopes. Only time will tell.

i am but a kite...

gripped in a clench
strained tension cuts
your skin bleeds
but tears me apart

i am but a kite...
hold me
but let me go

......................................................................................

When has love ever been equated to fear?
Fear of hurt.
Fear of being forsaken.
Fear of not being loved in return.

Why don't we try to hold on to faith, let go of fear and watch love soar?

sunny song by granny

meow, meow
meow, meow, punaykutti
veetai suthum punaykutty
attan manesu velekatti
(a missing line here)
meow, meow

........................................................................................................
(DA: sunny song by granny)

what it means (had a lil help with the translation):

meow, meow
meow, meow, little kitten
wandering around the house, little kitten
my darling has a sweet heart,
and then the missing line (think it's about her darling looking good...)
meow, meow

walking in your shoes...

you could have
travelled a wasted journey
only to reach a house that's empty

you could have
faced your brand of cruelty
received greeting words of hostility

but still you came...

and you came alone

..................................................................................
(LMK entry 3: that visit)

Anger aside, I placed myself in her shoes. After all that has happened, she couldn't possibly have imagined what she might face, turning up unannounced. Yet still, she came...alone.

I guess that really spoke volumes of her sincerity.

I can choose to remain doubtful and discontented that the apology wasn't exactly what my heart had demanded for. Or I can choose to give trust another chance and be grateful that our prayers were answered, albeit, partially.

I choose the latter.

And with that, I promise that I shall be present at HS1's wedding this weekend.

subconscious coincidence

I just had a dream.

I dreamt that I woke up feeling weak and exhausted. I walked into my own room and the setting... it was just like in my previous home. And there she stood by the bed, my late granny. She ushered me to sit down on the bed so that she could massage my aching shoulders. And as she kneaded my shoulders, I suddenly thought to myself that I had forgotten to pass her monthly allowance.

Then I woke up to reality.
That my late granny was no longer.
And my shoulders.... they ached.

................................................................................................................................

I wonder if it had anything to do with what's been hovering in my mind.
I recall now... about three months ago, I had dreamt of LMK, HS1 and late granny.
Weird dream... but the scene wasn't tensed at all. It was peaceful yet I found it strange cos frankly, I don't regard LMK and HS1 as part of my life. Not anymore.

But what a coincidence it is, that it was just them two. The rest of them weren't there.

What a coincidence...

I need a reason to believe

though she's expressed her due apology
my heart refuses to believe completely
for since they hated us collectively
sorry shouldn't be from her solely

................................................................
(LMK. entry 2: that day)

Only You know how we had prayed incessantly
for the day enlightenment will dawn upon their family.

Yet today...
I'm dissatisfied.

God, please give me a reason to believe.

blood is thicker than water... they say

if truly blood is thicker than water
then what is this that flows within us?
that we deserved those accusations
our ties of kindred, strained with enmity

if truly blood is thicker than water
then what is this that flows to my heart?
that i'm unmoved by tears and sorries
my faith eludes, skepticism rules me

................................................................
(LMK entry 10 Dec 2006: the unexpected visit)

I am furious.
That I wasn't there to witness it for myself.
Would I and the rest of us be convinced?

All those tales they had spun...
How my parents were shunned...
How late granny was cruelly neglected...
The relation we shared was woefully inferior to ordinary.
Repeated misdeeds. Repeated chances.
How then would I know if this is for real?

God, I know we should always have faith.
But what is this doubt that haunts me?

resignation

a new beginning that hasn't begun
acquittal declared yet sentence lives on
do you require my words in blood
before you listen to my exasperated heart

.....................................................
(nothing more to say)

happy birthday to me...

my dear heart, it hums a bittersweet symphony
how midnight rejoices a grand quarter century
yet sadly laments the end in beautiful Bali
.....................................................................................
(entry on 28 November 2006)

Listen to
My Favourite Song by Rivermaya

a quarter century of existence... almost

if I ever lost touch of my faith in You
my place in this world, my purpose forgotten
if I ever turned deaf to the cries of others
my heart unwavered, sympathy unspoken
if I ever lost sight of those who matter
sacrifices and love, blindly forsaken
and if my presence is of no significance

meaningless it would be, my long existence
....................................................................................
(five days away)

I think of the wish I'm entitled to each year.
I only wish for this much...

To always remember.
And be remembered.

just another bad dream...

Had an awful dream last Saturday...

There was a lady, another figure (I can't make out the gender) and a baby... a toddler rather, each sitting in a supermarket trolley (as weird as it may sound) on a road. The lady, perhaps the mother of the toddler, was too engrossed in a conversation with the other person, oblivious to what the toddler was doing.

Meanwhile, the toddler... he was moving his body about such that with each movement, the trolley inched further down the road towards where there was a plunging slope. "He'll fall", I remember whispering to myself.

I knew he was in danger so I ran towards him with all my might, shouting, "He's gonna fall!" Things happened too fast for me to remember, to capture the details. Was there a crash? I can't remember. But I remember crying my eyes out in the dream and how I awoke suddenly. It was strange... but I felt drained just as I would after crying my heart out. Like it was real.

I remember the blood-curling scream ringing in my ears.
I remember the wild thoughts running in my head, pulling pieces of my reality and desperately trying to find links to the dream...
I remember hating how I felt.

It bothers me still. But I keep trying to convince myself that it was only nightmare... a bad dream...

And I pray it will remain that way.

spontaneity, my ecstasy

a lil surprise, a lil spontaneity
lifted my life out of mediocrity
defying all of planned rationality
such was the death of routine monotony

it ruled the moment intuitively
revived in me a spark subconsciously
lingering within, a blissful ecstasy
such was my encounter with spontaneity

.....................................................................
(the overnight high)

I was high.
Oblivious to time.
Oblivious to setting.
And the catalyst?
It's called 'great conversation'.

Time to turn in.

won't you please let me find you?

the link to your thoughts, tonight I rediscovered
my long-time questions, they finally answered
bitter words you used for the things that occurred
painful insights, why you disappeared

it's been so long, it's almost a year
no sight, no replies, no news I hear
twelve hours away we are from each other
this asian friend, do you still remember?

oh babe, won't you please, please let me find you?
give me the chance to be there for you
I know I can't promise to make you feel better
but this I promise you

I promise you my presence
................................................................................................
(LM. entry: cleared my old mails and there it was - the link to her blog)

No current entries since the last.
No sight of her online...
But if she can see me, I hope she finds her way here.


Listen to
Precious by Depeche Mode

if only it's that simple

if the signs aren't mere coincidence
but drops of gentle hints from God
we'd see their worth beyond distraction
and move along in full assurance

if only life's path were easily chosen
with the simple flip of a coin
we'd spare ourselves the contemplation
and lead our lives in pure perfection

if only...
if only it's that simple
......................................................................................
(EZ)

coincidence...
are they clues to finding our way?
or are they little distractions planted to test us?

I honestly don't know.
But I'd say let's open our arms to embrace the mysteries of fate
and pray that we'll pass the test.

Current favourite song:
Read My Mind by The Killers

lost conviction of a good intention

your sharp points of reason
and blunt words of caution
though bearing good intention
were drowned by cynicism

.................................................................................
(after stories of IR's new-found love)

Everyone wants their views to be heard, respected and taken seriously. But to some, it's never occured to them that it's got to start from respecting others first.

It's not just what you say, but how you say it. When concern or good advice is presented in a rude, insensitive, sarcastic and cynical manner, it's only inevitable that the receiver loses focus of the intended message (regardless of its sound content), and shifts attention to the hurt they are inflicted with.

If that happens, could you really blame the receiver for dismissing your valid, well-intended advice?

a familiar ring

"trying", "doing your best in something"
somehow, those words had a familiar ring
although what it's interpreting
may actually bear no meaning

.............................................................................................
(EZ. after the 'baring-our-souls' session)

shared my dream with EZ and she said,
"You probably didn't feel afraid cos you were calm and comforted. Maybe it meant that while you're trying or doing your darnest in something and eventhough it's not going your way, someone's there for you... supporting you."

I could definitely relate to "doing my darnest in something"...
but someone supporting...
we'll see...

should it mean anything?

It’s still on my mind… the dream that I had a couple of nights before.
I had worn my tea tree facial mask to sleep due to exhaustion prior to the weird dream.

I was in the bathroom, hovering over a sink, trying to rinse my mask off. But it stayed stubbornly on. I splashed water onto my face… warm water, hoping that’ll be more effective. But frustratingly, to no avail. And when I looked up into the mirror in front of me, I noticed a person behind me leaning against the bathroom wall, looking at me. I failed to see who it was... water was streaming down my eyes… but I knew he was observing me. It might sound really creepy as I’m typing this… but he had his arms folded casually and in my dream, I wasn’t afraid at all.

.............................................................................................................
Strips of thoughts at the back of my mind…
I applied the mask to rejuvenate my tired skin. By deciding to wash it off, I must have believed that it’s been treated or that my skin’s had enough ‘nutrients’. But it refused to be washed off… Maybe what I thought was healed is really not?

Maybe it was simply a way to get me to wake up and rinse my mask off for real, but then again… what significance did the person in the dream play?

An interpretation a friend offered:
Is there someone who's supporting me silently from the back?

Or hell, maybe it’s simply someone waiting in line to use the sink.
LOL.

tresses over fingers

my hands are much too precious
as they help me do wonders
so i'd rather snip my tresses
than to eat my lil fingers

...................................................................................................
(yannis)

Maybe your hair's too short?
I wish I could read your blog too, but it's not in English.
Anyway, thank you for dropping by.

will it stay indefinitely?

resurfaced, returned, will it stay indefinitely?
oh how my heart had shrunk initially
at the very thought of a recurring possibility
indeed, now my fear has revisited me

.....................................................................
My confidence shortlived.
I pray it's the odd month.
Four months more to prove my independence...

goodbye tresses of distress

she looked at me through the mirror
thoughtfully assessing my features
then with a swift motion of her fingers
she worked her magic with her scissors

something funky yet still mature
not too short, but definitely shorter
was it a tough brief? I had wondered
would I end up looking absurd?

but there wasn't need for such worry
for she managed to awaken skilfully
the waves that had laid dormant in me
unveiling a newly-styled crown of glory

there I emerged, a happier, new me

....................................................................

it's about time too

autumn... that's me

where days are shorter, the nights are longer
and my thoughts travel and wander
the warmth of yesterday, unforgotten
and my mind pauses in reflection
the shades of sunlight in transition
and my senses dance in celebration
falling from height, the leaves, red fire
and my heart leaps in faith and desire
the horizon creeps, a silver beauty
and my spirit embraces my destiny

.........................................................................
(WL)

I'm just a simple girl.
Who wonders and dreams.
Who indulges in life's beauty.
Who immerses in melancholy.
Who sometimes throws her worries in the wind.
Who believes that God always has something in store for her.
And who feels blessed...
for knowing a friend like you.

Thank you.

I saw myself in you

as your fear drifted to sunny songs by granny
overwhelming pity surge high within me
then on our faces, shades of pink reappeared
our eyes locked suddenly, and you burst into tears

did you just hear me? did you just feel me?
I wondered then, almost immediately
and later it finally dawned on me...

God had made you just like me

..............................................................................
(DA. the night I saw myself in him)

I pray that in future, he'll grow into a much stronger person

breaking the silence of the night

never knew those shy eyes had such temper
I never knew so thin was his patience
crying's your speech, no words can you utter
but it's no ticket to any bad experience
...............................................................................
(DA. the night he cried)

It was the first time I heard, though it wasn't the first time, I heard.

i'm no exception

"never intended", "i never meant to"
similar words i once said to you
gave me a chance, you never chose to
but i've never held it against you
cos everyone has but different perceptions
it's only human and i'm no exception

..........................................................
(TS)

the difference between proclaiming and practising

those words which you thought were harmless
served to confuse 'outsiders' who heard
as they taint the belief of the religious
the faith wrongfully dismissed as absurd

.....................................................................................
(after an interview with a 'modern' follower)

Whoever came up with the logic that proclaiming a religion and not practising it would define one as a modern follower?
The term 'modern' is totally unnecessary - an awkward, ignorant escape from the uneasy curiosity of others. It only serves to undermine the faith, dismissing its practices as traditional and irrelevant to today's time.

Something everyone should know - there is a difference between proclaiming and understanding & practising a faith.

It's sad how these 'modern' followers flood the city and continue to disseminate the wrong message.

I think I'm flying

I feel happy...
the wind in my face
a skip in my step
the spunk of arctic monkeys within me

I feel pretty...
the glow of the day
shimmer round my eyes
the brush of soft fabric against my skin

I feel free...

...........................................................
Things are going well. it's a wonderful day.
And to end off the day, I'll be watching a play...
it's gonna be a wonderful day.

Current Favourite song:
Blue Light by Bloc Party

hit by a happy meteor

Read the horoscope today...
"Sagittarius: Stop hiding out and face up to whatever needs to be addressed. You cant possibly move forward until you tie up loose ends and rid yourself of the things that are holding you back."

How apt, considering my 'unloading' the past few weeks. And I actually... I AM feeling better. Never mind the overnight stress, rush and sleep deprivation, I don't know what's gotten into me but I am feeling happy.

when the sun goes down

when the sun goes down
it'll be the beginning of my favourite time of the year
the time I feel peace and calm
the month I wished would go on forever

.......................................................................................
Today also marks the end of my diary entries to an old unhappy phase.
I know it's simple, but I feel accomplished.

Listen to
When the Sun Goes Down by Arctic Monkeys

which will you see?

won't you see what I do
not what I can't do
cos that's what I choose to do
I love you for you

....................................................................
If we're gonna give this another go,
I suggest we take it slow.
I think of ST, his heart, how it's much bigger
Though different, yet easily accepting of another
So why is it so hard for us to work this together?
Let's stop being critical but more accepting of each other...

the sun's shining on me

the past nights have been
like a page out of a book on astronomy
love stories, the stars were sharin'
it seemed that way, if they could speak to me

now I'm back in my own city
and tho I miss the sand and the sea
I can't help but notice the sun's shining on me
it's lovely how beautiful life can be

................................................................
(entry: 1st day back in singapore)

Time to start afresh.

emotion - my strength, my weakness

i felt myself consumed from within
by the flame of anger and frustration
it's time I rip open the seams
tear the binding threads of emotions

..........................................................................................
(Entry on 24 Aug 2006:
the day I vowed to liberate myself from ripping emotions.
the day I requested to cease my dependence on medication)

God, I know that I can't control everything. But I need to control my emotions, cos that equates to protecting myself. Why should I hang on to the people I believed in when it's so easy for them to sever things?
Only if they return to me, then I'll know it's meant to be.

God, I know that I can't help everyone. And if there's anything I've learnt, it's that I won't be able to help anyone if I don't help myself first. I know I'll have to work hard at nursing my heart.
So I can do the same things I've been doing before, and better.

I must be strong

work's saturated
I'm physically drained
mind's constipated
I'm mentally drained
heart's frustrated
I'm emotionally drained

but I have to be strong
I need to be strong
gonna have to be strong
yes I must be strong

........................................................................
There couldn't have been a worse time... Having to battle the urge to cut myself from work, friends and family.
G needs me. JC's not here and I know AT looks upon me as the only pillar left after YT.
A pillar... I feel like a pillar that might crumble at a touch.

(I struggled to pick up the pieces since you uttered those words)

won't you walk beside me?

can't you feel my faith and understand
walk beside me and hold my hand

the future may be uncertain
but passion spurs my journey
I look ahead to the horizon
where my vision awaits me

can't you share my dreams and understand
walk beside me and squeeze my hand

why can't we face things come what may
rather than walk our separate ways

.................................................................................
(entry 2 on that night)

Lying in my bed, I pondered on the beauty of "us".
What had made us so strong?
We understood the importance of individuality.
Freedom. Growth. Exploration. Passion...
How it contributes to a bigger picture of a healthier "us"

But what has made us lose that strength?
Do you truly believe that it could only come down to this -
me choosing between my passion and you?

the night you chose to walk the other way

through narrow paths, by your side I have been
so you'd never imagine... i can't even begin
to describe how my heart breaks when you said
you'd like to walk the other way

................................................................................
(entry 1 on that night... the night you chose to walk the other way)

won't you understand?

said I can't promise, will try if I can
am doing my best but it all depends
we're now one man down, won't you understand
and I'm only human, I've only two hands

...........................................................................................
JC's hospitalised. Work's a mad rush.
There's only one me. I can't be in two places at the same time.
Everyone... everything vying for a piece of my attention.
At this rate, maybe I'll split.
So I really, really, really need you to understand.

rediscovered the elixir to my weary soul

there we sat in calm silence
sieving through the box of history
reading through pages of your diary
it felt magical, the experience

remembering delightful pieces of you
discovering treasured thoughts of me
reminiscing our journey fondly
rejuvenated - I feel fresh, I feel new

.....................................................
I love you

it's all i could say

I know it looked so wrong
walking with another yesterday
having avoided you all day long
but my conscience's clear, it's all i could say

I wanted to run away
desperately needed time away
wasn't myself to act that way
but it's the truth, it's all i could say

.......................................................
the morning after that sleepless sunday

easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb

oh how I had been so certain
but this new wound inflicted
refuses old scars to stay hidden
once again I feel conflicted

"just washing it aside
all of the helplessness inside
pretending I don't feel misplaced
it's so much simpler than change"

.................................................
I hear you chester, your voice drifting me
the lyrics resonate with me.
Listen to
Easier to Run by Linkin Park

thank you morrie

I've always been sure
that I love no other
but debate's now over
no more need to ponder
for this time I'm sure
we should stay together

.................................................
I love you with all my heart, never once fallen for another.
But have you changed? I wondered. I feared. The 'tension of opposites'...

"But Love solves everything", Morrie said. "Love each other or perish (W.H Auden)"
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

paralysis of the mind

a tiny whisper knifed through my head
a lightning moment, yet leaving me weak
for what felt like an eternity

.....................................................................
The debate of the mind and heart... I can't quite decipher.
Or do I refuse to?

from the corner of my eyes

it's been years since I've seen those eyes
yet I never failed to recognise
that same look, today, they greeted me
those green eyes, they bored into me
though never committing an offence
I stood there, gazing elsewhere in pretense

..................................................................
I wondered what ran through her mind as she stared at me. I recalled the things she did, the things she called me, "A hindrance to her ambitions of schoolgirl fame. A distraction to her objects of affection".

It's been 14 years, and I decided I truly couldn't be bothered at all.

I can't sleep

the fifth opinion that I'm seeking
what is this I'm experiencing
if it doesn't run in my family
neither mother nor sister but me

anxious, what news await me tomorrow
so could you not add to my sorrow
asking if I could bear kids in future
don't you think I'd be the first to wonder?

...................................................................................
Doctor said I shouldn't worry. Give it time and it'll be regular, normal - that was ten years ago. Each effort to make it right proved only temporary, later rendering me weak and vulnerable. I'm sick of medication. But I guess there's no other way. Now I'm under observation... discreetly. I wouldn't want my family to worry. But yea, at least I tried.

I know you love children. Well, so do I. So if you'd please, don't hurt me anymore with your questions.

the sun didn't shine on me today

will you lay by my side
lend your shoulder for the night
so I may welcome the stars tonight

....................................................
I wasn't seeking for a solution.
Only your undivided attention.
Listen.
Will you?

make this wound disappear... leave no scars behind...

As much as I'd like my recollection or "release" to be in chronological order, I can't help what I'm feeling today. As I stood deciding on my bracelet for the day, scenes of the incident flashed past me.

I've forgiven you. But why is it so hard to forget?
...............................................................

God,
please let me forget
the force of his hand on my wrist
the string of beads limp in his fist

please let me forget
who he was in that split second
the look in his eyes that moment

but God,
I know I'll never forget
my own regrets
for not picking up the pieces
of the bracelet...
a gift from mother

searching my soul

tension I couldn't utter
emotions I couldn't conquer
questions I couldn't answer

have I been closing an eye... an ear
to something that may be so clear
have I been denying... justifying
just so I could hang on to the familiar

searching my soul...

will i find you there?

........................................................................
if there's no room for me on your shoulder, are we truly meant for each other?

heart in my tummy

many a time my heart rose
wishing time ran much faster
the week to end much sooner
so early it'll come to meet each other

but when it comes,
and if it comes
my heart sinks
wishing it were much easier
the day to be much simpler
but sadly it sinks lower and deeper
all hopes of joy disappears

....................................................................................................

Hope, I still do... may we rediscover those happy times we shared.

revelation

You wonder. You think. You assume. You still have no inkling as to how I feel when "we" go wrong...
............................................................................................................................

heavy...

encased in a hard shell
protected it should be
safe it should feel
unaffected it must be
but a tiny vein of crack
betrays everything that should
denies everything that must be
and reveals the only thing it truly is...

my fragile heart

drop the sandbags so I can fly higher...

I truly believed I was alright. Till I unconsciously revealed the inner thoughts in me to another. "My alter ego gets carried away sometimes", has always been my convenient excuse each time I made such a mistake.

But more concerned than impressed, a fren asked, "Do you truly believe your heart and mind has the strength and capacity to store the emotional stories you've written mentally?"

I paused. "I do write them down... sometimes. But many a time the entire writing process proved to be too emotional for me to handle. There's something about writing in a book and seeing, in front of your very eyes, the letters, being handwritten to form words that only served to add gravity to how I feel."

"What makes you think that by keeping them to yourself, you're not weighing yourself down?"

.................................................................................................................................
g3 babe, I'm sure you'll be happy to know I'm giving blogging a chance. Back from my short trip, I shall take my time to release all the "months worth of diary entries in my head" - words that I strung up mentally on my bus journeys... and slowly revisit my scribbles on scraps of papers.

Perhaps this will untangle all the knots in my heart and mind...